The "gift of awareness"

[Cayo Hueso]

Does anyone else remember being told that if we ever left we'd do worse drugs, be more miserable etc. etc.  because we had now "received the gift of awareness" and would now know just exactly how bad of a fuck up we really were?

Talk about planting a seed.   :flame:  :evil:

All we ask is to be let alone.
-- Jefferson Davis (1808-1889): First Message to the Confederate Congress, March,1861.

[starry-eyed pirate]

yeah. :skull:

[Anonymous]

I remember that.  AA also uses that saying that their knowledge will ruin a drunk time.

And them saying that we would hold deep regret for not finishing the program if we didn't.

Are there any straight non-graduates out there with deep regret for not finishing the Straight Inc. program??

[Cayo Hueso]

On 2005-05-24 14:28:00, Reagan Youth wrote:

"I remember that.  AA also uses that saying that their knowledge will ruin a drunk time.



And them saying that we would hold deep regret for not finishing the program if we didn't.



Are there any straight non-graduates out there with deep regret for not finishing the Straight Inc. program??
"

I am filled with deep regret that I was forced TO finish the program.  

If you want a voluntary urine sample from me it'll have to be a taste test.
--Bumper Sticker

[Anonymous]

Yes. And I've seen it OVER and OVER again.  It turned out to be SO true (in many cases).

[PerfectStraightling]

I've never regretted not finishing,  :lol:

But yeah I remember them saying that all the time. You'll never be able to enjoy it, you can try but it will always be in your mind how dishonest you are being.

[Antigen]

I heard it over and over since I was a little kid. That line is just another held over from The Seed. But I never believed it.

The funny thing is that when I finally did start getting high or drinking socially, I used to laugh about those dire predictions. I've never in my life wittnessed anything close to those drama queens constant harping. The things that reminded me of the Program were things like school, DARE and the year they closed off the beach and stationed guards at all points of ingress/egress for the 4th of July celebration. I guess someone didn't get the memo explaining what we were celebrating. . .

The fatal pedagogical error is to throw answers, like stones, at the heads of those who have not yet asked the questions.

                               
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=%22Paul+Tillich%22&btnG=Google+Search' target='_new'>Paul Tillich

[`]

On 2005-05-24 15:55:00, Antigen wrote:

"...I guess someone didn't get the memo explaining what we were celebrating. . ."

have they taken the explanation out of the public school textbooks? i hope so, i wouldn't want another generation of kids to be as disillusioned as i am. what would be better is if they taught kids that a fanatical and wealthy oligarchy rules the country and they better buck up and get used to it, or else.

[Cayo Hueso]

I don't know what I believed.  Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out.  I hadn't had the time or opportunity to figure out any of my own beliefs period.  I was lost when I went in there and completely fucked when I got out.  I had no clue what I had just been through.  Don't get me wrong, I knew it sucked but I guess I did buy into a lot of the "it's all your fault, you put yourself there, look at all the trouble you caused the family etc.".  It's just been in the past few years (not so coincidentally when I cut my last remaining tie to Straight, my dad) that I've realized how badly I was mind fucked.  I got pregnant and started having kids about 3 months after getting out.  Oh then there were all the custody fights, parents hiring Straight board members partners to take the kids, threatening that EVER SINCE.  Ahhhh, I gotta stop, I really get pissed when I start going over this shit in my head.  I was so controlled by them for so long.  Some of it was overt and I could psychologically defend myself against that, but some was so deeply embedded that it wasn't until I started talking to others here that I found out just how insidious it really is/was.  I've said before that sometimes, most of the time, I feel like I went from 16 straight to 39.

Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man.
--Thomas Jefferson, U.S. President, author, scientist, architect, educator, and diplomat

[ScottM]

FYI,,, This is going to be a ramble, I guess you hit a nerve...

You bring up a really good point Cayo,

That so called "gift of awareness" is what I personally think, drove alot of people to suicide.

Like everyone else, I had that whole attitude smashed into my head the whole time I was there. Once I actually got back out into the real world, that piece of the program really haunted me. I was miserable. I was hell bent on self destruction and the worst part about it was that I just did not give a fuck whatsoever. I guess I had completely given up and was fufilling the whole Straight prophecy that was drilled into my head for so long.

I truly believe that one attitude is what causes so many people to go over the edge after Straight as well as in most any 12 step type program. It leaves no middle ground. You either are a shining star of recovery, or your some dead junkie on the side of the road. Fuck That!!!
There has to be a better way, right?

I truly believe that we were all (at least those that swallowed the program to get out, move along etc...)  setup for complete failure once we were on are own if we tried to "test the waters". After 2 years of having the fear jammed into my psyche that if I ever dared drink a beer or smoke a joint again, I would end up dead, insane or in jail (remember that shit!) I was sub conciously trying to fufill that. For a while after I got out, I was completely insane, quietly planning my suicide and pretty much spiraling my way to jail.

One very! very!! fine day, I FINALLY woke up (actually woke up one morning) and decided that I wanted to take door number 2 and that I have a choice (dare I say, Complete Control) in the desicions I make in my life. This is the one main thing that I simply can not accept about 12 step programs and the like. They taught us that we were impulsive monsters who could simply not control any aspect of our lives due to our disease. If that's not a defeatist attitude than I really don't know what is.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that once I realized that I am COMPLETELY responsible for every desicion that I make in my life, things started to make much more sense and I started to feel better.

If I decide to blow off work, drink and get high all day, there will be consequences, my life will suck, I'll be broke and probably in lockup etc.. simple as that.

The funny thing is that, and I really, really!!! hate to say it... I don't know if I ever would have had that realization if it wasn't for my experiences in the program. But fuck that, that's a whole other topic.

The way I look at it is that, it was just one more tool for "the program" to take complete control of our lives.

From what I've learned here and from my own poking around, this is how Straight, AA and don't forget the Korean POW camps, are able to keep all their prisoners without any walls or barricades whatsoever. If you are consumed with fear that without the group / captors / AA, you are surely going to die, than they really don't have to work as hard to keep you coming around, drinking shitty coffee and throwing money into a hat.

Again sorry for rambling but this has been on my mind for a while.

-Scott

PS
Shameless plug below for the latest music type thing I've been working on.

http://www.myspace.com/takingthewheel

(the band name actually relates to this topic but then again that's a whole other post)

I'm on guitar and bass, recorded in my basement. I wish I had the "I hate straight" song on there but it just hasn't come out yet...Trust me though, it's in there.

[Fr. Cassian]

I truly believe that we were all (at least those that swallowed the program to get out, move along etc...) setup for complete failure once we were on are own if we tried to "test the waters". After 2 years of having the fear jammed into my psyche that if I ever dared drink a beer or smoke a joint again, I would end up dead, insane or in jail (remember that shit!) I was sub conciously trying to fufill that. For a while after I got out, I was completely insane, quietly planning my suicide and pretty much spiraling my way to jail.

But deep down you DO know that you would have ended up dead, insane or in jail had you not finally "let the program take control of your life.." Don't you??

[ScottM]

But deep down you DO know that you would have ended up dead, insane or in jail had you not finally "let the program take control of your life.." Don't you??

Mr. Dr./Fr./Cassian,

Unfortunately that point was lost on me once I realized that was the way out.

Better luck next time :wink:

-Scott

[`]

[ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-06-02 11:46 ]

[Carmel]

Hmmm...awareness. Well, I think maybe it gave me a heightened awareness in the literal sense.  I am able to be in a room and focus on everything thats going on....notice whats on the walls, the floor, who is in the room, what they are doing.....it comes in especially handy when you have kids.  I can HEAR when he is doing something wrong.  Being aware of newcomers did have a small advantage in preparing me for motherhood.

As far as self-awareness, it eventually only served to teach me the intricacies of deceit and manipulation.  I am perfectly AWARE now that Straight gave me a class-A ass fucking, no more really.

[Antigen]

I think we're talking about the core concept of authoritarianism. Conform or be cast out; the individual is worthless, helpless, even dangerous to the good of the whole.

Truth in matters of religion is simply the opinion that has survived.
--Oscar Wilde