FYI,,, This is going to be a ramble, I guess you hit a nerve...
You bring up a really good point Cayo,
That so called "gift of awareness" is what I personally think, drove alot of people to suicide.
Like everyone else, I had that whole attitude smashed into my head the whole time I was there. Once I actually got back out into the real world, that piece of the program really haunted me. I was miserable. I was hell bent on self destruction and the worst part about it was that I just did not give a fuck whatsoever. I guess I had completely given up and was fufilling the whole Straight prophecy that was drilled into my head for so long.
I truly believe that one attitude is what causes so many people to go over the edge after Straight as well as in most any 12 step type program. It leaves no middle ground. You either are a shining star of recovery, or your some dead junkie on the side of the road. Fuck That!!!
There has to be a better way, right?
I truly believe that we were all (at least those that swallowed the program to get out, move along etc...) setup for complete failure once we were on are own if we tried to "test the waters". After 2 years of having the fear jammed into my psyche that if I ever dared drink a beer or smoke a joint again, I would end up dead, insane or in jail (remember that shit!) I was sub conciously trying to fufill that. For a while after I got out, I was completely insane, quietly planning my suicide and pretty much spiraling my way to jail.
One very! very!! fine day, I FINALLY woke up (actually woke up one morning) and decided that I wanted to take door number 2 and that I have a choice (dare I say, Complete Control) in the desicions I make in my life. This is the one main thing that I simply can not accept about 12 step programs and the like. They taught us that we were impulsive monsters who could simply not control any aspect of our lives due to our disease. If that's not a defeatist attitude than I really don't know what is.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that once I realized that I am COMPLETELY responsible for every desicion that I make in my life, things started to make much more sense and I started to feel better.
If I decide to blow off work, drink and get high all day, there will be consequences, my life will suck, I'll be broke and probably in lockup etc.. simple as that.
The funny thing is that, and I really, really!!! hate to say it... I don't know if I ever would have had that realization if it wasn't for my experiences in the program. But fuck that, that's a whole other topic.
The way I look at it is that, it was just one more tool for "the program" to take complete control of our lives.
From what I've learned here and from my own poking around, this is how Straight, AA and don't forget the Korean POW camps, are able to keep all their prisoners without any walls or barricades whatsoever. If you are consumed with fear that without the group / captors / AA, you are surely going to die, than they really don't have to work as hard to keep you coming around, drinking shitty coffee and throwing money into a hat.
Again sorry for rambling but this has been on my mind for a while.
-Scott
PS
Shameless plug below for the latest music type thing I've been working on.
http://www.myspace.com/takingthewheel(the band name actually relates to this topic but then again that's a whole other post)
I'm on guitar and bass, recorded in my basement. I wish I had the "I hate straight" song on there but it just hasn't come out yet...Trust me though, it's in there.