i think that's the right word. if not, i will edit. but i feel like i learned how to cut people off. after all, that is what i did to my friends. i went without music and whatever else, i think it was on first phase that i looked in the mirror and decided that it was mine to suffer. my place or my role or whatever. then also, this might not even be asceticism, but i swear i have been so self-conscious that i hold my face in non-expression... not so much these days because i feel more what that feels like & consciously try to relax. not saying this governs my waking hours, but it is something that i notice when in public if i am feeling vulnerable.
and i know the rages started after Straight. i got in fights with my parents before Straight, but otherwise i don't think i was too impatient, you the kind of irrelevant rage at traffic and such.
anyways, i was just sitting here reading a cookbook, and i am thinking how like i don't even know what i want to eat sometimes, i hardly ever take the time to cook anything good. is that stupid? i guess it is all this depression or whatever. like i been living a certain miserable rageful, pent up way for a really really long time and i am not going back into that.
also just the feeling of freedom, liking what i like, this has spent long time being suppressed, and that was not just Straight, but maybe Straight broke my spirit so i was afraid to be. especially with my parents, who put me there.