Anyone else feel like Straight made them ascetic?
?i think that's the right word. if not, i will edit?. No, no reason to edit your chosen word. At first glance my first thought was of the ?Ascetic? Hindu. These individuals take a vow of poverty, isolation and most often don?t even speak, but the reason they do this is for religious reasons, it is self imposed.
Not sure myself, if the word ?ascetic? was the proper word (even though I knew exactly what you meant) I went to the Merriam-Webster Online dictionary to find out and here is how that site defines ?Ascetic??
Etymology: Greek askEtikos, literally, laborious, from askEtEs one that exercises, hermit, from askein to work, exercise
1 : practicing strict self-denial as a measure of personal and especially spiritual discipline
2 : austere in appearance, manner, or attitude
synonym see SEVERE
Interesting synonym---SEVERE?.no doubt!
Although I personally do not practice ?strict self-denial as a measure of personal? or ?spiritual discipline?, I am all too familiar with the concept of hermitage.
Because most of my working life has been devoted to the mental health field, I was in a position to give of myself, on-demand---as situations would arise. Once I was off the clock, I morphed from a gregarious, caring individual to one that would not even engage in simple eye contact as I walked down the street, or thru a mall. And as time went along this practice increased and perfected itself.
I am no longer in the mental health field, and yet this pseudo-asceticism thing is well engrained into my daily life. For example; Saturday night, I attended a small gathering of my girlfriend?s co-workers. I knew about this gathering for almost a month. My girlfriend politely reminded me weekly as the time went on. Each time she would mention it I cringed. No clear thought ever really emerged, and by that I mean that I never came up with any firm reason for not going. Yet, internally, it was very clear?.I did not want to go.
Subtle albeit palpable fear was clearly evident. All morning long I felt panicked, I even had lower back pain along with a piercing pain right below the left shoulder blade. During the day, I ran scenarios thru my head. Much like Antigen?s ?What-If? scenarios she mentioned. According to my keen calculations---there was no way I would be comfortable, fit in, or be accepted by this group of people. That sense of impending doom that was mentioned earlier in the post was certainly beginning to manifest. I managed to keep that impending doom thing to myself and did my utmost not to let my girlfriend in on my dilemma, or at least the full gravity of it. Yet, I was extremely anxious and that was much more difficult to conceal from her.
This is not my first experience in this type of situation. I suspect it won?t be my last time either. And it is interesting to me how justified this behavior seems to me. I work (and keep to myself) come home, and art. I know my neighbors names because they introduced themselves to me, despite my best efforts to avoid them. We have never engaged in any socializing with our neighbors and have no plans to do so. One particular neighbor approached me about a job working with his father in-law. I got the job, and it took me over a week before I approached him and say a simple ?thank you? for the heads up on the job. It wasn?t that I didn?t have the opportunity earlier, I was simply afraid to approach him and express my appreciation. When I finally did cross the street and step in his yard to say ?thanks? I felt incredibly awkward?but I did manage to get the words out and I simply thanked him.
This idea of asceticism or hermitage seems so right, feels so comfortable. I once was called a troglodyte by a client when working in the Mental Health Field. At the time, I maintained my composure but scurried home to look the word up. Troglodyte=Cave Dweller. I remember thinking to myself?how appropriate!
Now, everything written so far describes my emotional reactions to people, social settings and simple courtesies. And as I mentioned, they seem perfectly justified and worth defending. Yet, there is an intellectual understanding that as a human being I need interaction with other people. You remember that old corny song from the program. ?No man is an Island??. Well, intellectually that makes a lot of sense. But in practice, I create my own island of imprisonment.
Having had periods of incarceration, other than Straight, I fully understand what it means to be ?free?. One might think I would celebrate this freedom enjoying other people and liberties that follow incarceration. But I think somewhere along the line I confused ?freedom? with ?security?. If I would have been asked if I preferred ?freedom? or ?security?, verbally I would have responded with ?freedom?, however, internally I would have sided with ?security?. I don?t like anything/anyone fucking with my ?security?! I despise anything that threatens my ?security? or nudges me from my comfort zone.
Can any of this be traced to Straight? In my personal, direct experience I believe I can answer that with a resounding, YES!
I don?t pretend to have any answers regarding this ?Ascetic? issue. However, I do have the experience. Sometimes I wish could be the gregarious creature that I know lies dormant within my being, but I don?t see that happening anytime in the near future for me. Of course that would mean I am truly free. But for now, and the foreseeable future I will simple settle for being secure and just do the best that I can.
Sometihng else that may sound corny, but has alot of truth to it...You are not alone in feeling the way you do.
Namaste
