Anyone else feel like Straight made them ascetic?

[`]

i think that's the right word. if not, i will edit. but i feel like i learned how to cut people off. after all, that is what i did to my friends. i went without music and whatever else, i think it was on first phase that i looked in the mirror and decided that it was mine to suffer. my place or my role or whatever. then also, this might not even be asceticism, but i swear i have been  so self-conscious that i hold my face in non-expression... not so much these days because i feel more what that feels like & consciously try to relax. not saying this governs my waking hours, but it is something that i notice when in public if i am feeling vulnerable.

and i know the rages started after Straight. i got in fights with my parents before Straight, but otherwise i don't think i was too impatient, you the kind of irrelevant rage at traffic and such.

anyways, i was just sitting here reading a cookbook, and i am thinking how like i don't even know what i want to eat sometimes, i hardly ever take the time to cook anything good. is that stupid? i guess it is all this depression or whatever. like i been living a certain miserable rageful, pent up way for a really really long time and i am not going back into that.

also just the feeling of freedom, liking what i like, this has spent long time being suppressed, and that was not just Straight, but maybe Straight broke my spirit so i was afraid to be.  especially with my parents, who put me there.

[Anonymous]

straight is not controlling your hunger.

[`]

okayyy. thanks for the insight, cowboy.

[Antigen]

Ascetic, yes. I grew up in a home where cleanliness, decor and style were not priorities. Around age 12 or 13 I started to take charge of that. I painted and made nice and, fwiw, was just starting to take a little pride in my little creation.

All that was swept away. So I never reinvested. I am ascetic to this day. I don't think of it as a problem, though. Just that I don't invest much in anything that can be taken away.

Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
--Benjamin Franklin, American Founding Father, author, and inventor

[`]

it could be taken away, but what if it isn't, and you're some distant day a ripe old age, wishing you had painted the house and snuggled into your nest a little more? home improvement is a good thing. even when i lived out of my van, i spent money taking everything to the laundromat, washing all the blankets i was sharing with my dog.    but yeah, this time around it has taken me a long time and a lot of reassurance that i am not on the verge of being homeless to start feeling like i maybe can settle in. [ This Message was edited by: fka on 2005-05-13 19:19 ]

[Antigen]

I know, I know, that's the sane view. And I have managed to plant some good fruit and flowers in the yard. But, as far as the house itself, I do my laundry too (or pay one of the kids to do it for me) But I can't bring myself to invest the thousands it would take to make the place the work of art that I had in mind, starting w/ my room, when I first tried it.

It's comfy this way.

I believe that all important matters have to be settled here, not in the clouds somewhere after we kick off.
--Billy Joel, American musician

[`]

i would love to see this work of art you speak of!

[PerfectStraightling]

I think what you're talking about is self-control (to the extreme)? I TOTALLY have that problem, like a disconnect between myself and, well myself. For me it manifests as anxiety and although it's much better than it has been at other times, I used to have panic attacks and feel some really insane things, like I was sliding down a tunnel into insanity, and if I didn't try really really hard, I would just black out and never know what happened to me again. That is from trying so hard to control myself I think. It becomes a spiral that spins around and around.  

In straight I learned a level of self control that I think is really unnatural and cant' be too good for you. I could control my every thought, my every action, and everything I said. I still have residuals from this, feelings of not knowing just exactly what Im thinking or feeling, and not being sure I really want to.

[Antigen]

On 2005-05-13 20:20:00, fka wrote:

"i would love to see this work of art you speak of!"

It's all in my head now. It doesn't exist. But once upon a time, it was a little room on the corner of a little house w/ windows under the shade of many trees on one side and full on eastern light on the other. It overflowed w/ plants and sentimental objects artfully arranged and was the favorite hang out of several critter friends of mine.

Hands that help are far better then lips that pray.
--Robert G. Ingersoll, American politician and lecturer

[Antigen]

On 2005-05-14 14:32:00, JMA wrote:

 I think what you're talking about is self-control (to the extreme)?

How about total control of your own beliefs? Ever have a scary episode w/ that? I have.

Most people think they have a pretty good handle on the distinction between fantasy and belief; we believe what is compelling and just play at the fantasy stuff, right? No, not even close. For the most part, we believe whatever we have to believe in order to act right, get along in society and be more-or-less comfortable inside. "Corn Pone Opinions", as Mark Twain put it. You tell me where a feller gets his corn pone and I'll tell you what his opinions are.

So anyway, I was very much aware of skating the line on belief vs. pretense and very secretly quite proud of my ability. I could believe the shtick well enough to convince anybody w/o totally letting go of the fact that it was all an act.

So one day, years later, I'm out shopping w/ my family. We decide to split up to save a little time. As my then youngest was an infant, it had been awhile since I had had any time alone. And I didn't expect this opportunity, it was spur of the moment. So I'm walking through this store and decide to play at a fantasy. What if I really don't have a husband and kids at all. What if I'm really delusional, I just dreamt them up and they don't really exist. The scary part is that, after only a minute or two of this weird sort of musing, I wasn't at all sure which was true. I was about ready to break down crying by the time I found the crew coming down one of the aisles.

Whew!

Laws are like spider webs. If some poor weak creature comes up against them - it is caught. But the bigger one can break through and get away.
-- Solon; Greek philosopher - c.630-c.555 BC

[PerfectStraightling]

Now that sounds just like a panic attack. It's like a feeling of impending doom and being completely out of control. Feeling like you can't trust yourself. I've had those feelings many times, when it first hit me, it always had to do with me going insane. Then I would get them just because I was afraid of getting them. It's a really shitty feeling.

[PerfectStraightling]

I think the first time I ever had one, I was watching a TV show about Tourettes syndrome. I started to think about what a horrible, horrible thing it would be to have, and then I started to become scared that I wouldn't be able to keep myself from getting it if I started to act like that. That's what started it all, suddenly I didn't know if I could, and I started to think at any moment I would get 'it'. Sounds kind of ridiculous, I know. It's like living from the outside of yourself, and trying to reach in and adjust everything just so. And later I was very conscious of having a fear of being locked up in a mental hospital. Maybe that's part of what I was so afriad of.

[PerfectStraightling]

God I just realized that IS what I was so afraid of. For years I had all of these fears of insanity, and they all led back to the fear of me being locked up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life, and my being completely incapable of ever getting out because I would be too crazy. I've never really realized that before and the obvious connection to being locked up in straight. How could I not have seen this???

[Antigen]

Yeah, me too. I'm not the least bit afraid of insanity. Shit, insanity's fun! I think I'd be bored to death if I were sane by modern definitions.

But I wasn't talking about a panic attack or anxiety over anything remotely plausible. I just... well, I've always been a daydreamer. I entertain myself quite often by just making up some wild scenereo and thinking it through; "what if" kinda stuff.

I'm telling you that, for a couple of minutes some years ago, I couldn't convince myself that the dark fantasy wasn't real.

You're talking about anxiety over very real possibilities. That's not paranoia or any other dysfunction. That's prescience :exclaim:

In no instance have . . . the churches been guardians of the liberties of the people.
--James Madison, U.S. President

_________________
Ginger Warbis ~ Antigen
Drug war POW
Seed `71 - `80
Straight, Sarasota
   10/80 - 10/82
Anonymity Anonymous
return undef() if /coercion/i;

[Anonymous]

http://www.straightkids.com/index.html