On 2005-04-01 16:58:00, KnottyKitty wrote:
"Well, here I am again. I'm continuously thrusted here either by other people or by my nightmares. Two people asked me about Straight within the last month.
Ain't that some shit? Lotsa people here been haunted by that exact sort of jive....welcome to the monkeyhouse, friend.
Today, my FRIEND told me that he googled me and found this posting. He had good intentions when he asked about Straight. I had plans to come home from work today, jump in the shower, and go see Sin City. I was excited.
Yeah, it's some rough shit we went through....nobody that wasn't there could even begin to understand it...IT WAS THAT FUCKED UP....I can understand your excitement , though, SIN CITY looks really cool....
In the shower, I broke into tears like an asshole (also the second time that I've done that this month). Not so excited anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this... maybe because I don't want to talk about it. But I'm not a victim. Regrdless of what happens to me, I refuse to be a victim. I don't want pity. I want to hit people. There is so much god-damn anger on this message board and it pisses me off. But I understand. And that pisses me off too.
Don't worry 'bout the tears right now. It's OK. Let 'em flow, let them flow. Pretty much, it's just a physiological response to recognizing what a fucked up situation you just got through. Don't worry 'bout the crying, it's OK.
Of course you don't want to talk about this. It's kind of embarrassing, even in front of other who have been there. You weere put into a very, very fucked up situation that had nothing to do with your choices or desires. This loss of control in and of itself can be very traumatic. Understand that you were a child with no real power of your own to avoid the situation, uncomfrtable as it may sound, you were a victim of a fucked up circumstance. It was not your fault. Reagardless of who is to blame for the very unfortunate (to put it mildly) circumstancezs you were subected to, you are able to reclaim your life. This is within your power. You need not be victim to the winds of fortune;
you can't fuck much with the past, but you can fuck plenty with the future...
Why must I be here?
Those are the words on everybody's lips.....
Nightmares are variations of the same theme: I'm suddenly in an intake room getting strip searched, or suddenly in group. Terrified. No way out. I'm screaming and crying in my head: "No No No No. I can't get out. I can't get out. I can't be here again." I'm waiting to be stood up. They will rip me for these thoughts that I'm having. I didn't report my thoughts this time... that's even worse. I should have reported these thoughts while I had the chance, but now it's too late. I know I'm going to get started over again. Theres no way out of here.
You're right --There is no way out of here. But what "here" is , is a different question altogether. We may have nightmares, dreams, wishes, desires, perceptions that can seem all tooo real at the time, but are in reality, transitory experiences. Not to get Buddhist or New Age on you, but once you recognize that you are a mind that was subjected to a serious, traumatic, weird event, the sooner and better able you can cope with it.
Do we all fail at our relationships? I can't maintain one for longer than two years (most are less than two years). I'm thirty years old and still working on getting my life going- still in college. There are letters here from my ex. Why are men fascinated with me BEFORE they have me and AFTER they've had me? I'm not complaining, just speculating, really.
Perhaps we do. Maybe all of our previous relationships are a trial run for the one we're really looking for. Maybe not. Maybe we are just too damn weird to ever find someone we can really relate to. Is that so fucking terrible? Most of the couples I know are really unhappy or deluded, mainly because the individuals involved don't know, or won't be "true to themselves" (again, please pardon any New Agish rhetoric--these are ideas that are hard to define in writing).
Are we to judge our entire existance based on our relationships with others? If so, why not simply treat others as we would be treated ourselves, as some old sage said, and let the chips fall where they may?
Also, you've got to understand that human males enjoy novelty. The first whatever. The best whatever. The wildest, the weirdest, the freakiest, WHATEVER; this is what "motivates us to behavior beyond our normal routines that we use to provide ourselves with food and beer. It's true. An anthropology professor told me, and I believe him, so don't waste your time arguing with me.
Perhaps I'll study this phenomenon after I have my Phd and I have the freedom to study what I want to. I'll look at the brains of a few of the one hundred cats that I'll have for companions by that time.
If you can figure it out, I'd love to hear it from you first hand, but those goddamn cats will stink to high heaven and I'm not sure I could stick around for the duration.
A week or two ago, I was standing in my boyfriend's kitchen and I started crying (again, like an asshole). He asked me why I was crying. I told him that I didn't know. He accepted that, held me, and said, "just cry if you need to". That couldn't have happened in my fantasies. He didn't pry, he just let me cry. When I was done, I gathered myself together, and went back to being (tough girl) and he accepted that too. He's perfect, and I'm going to fuck it up. I have approximately 19 more months with him before I push him away.
If you can predict the future so accurately, will you please provide me wit swome winning Florida lottery numbers? Please?
I don't talk about Straight because it's an impossibility. When my friend asked about it today... what do I say? There are no words. It's best to just not talk about it because there are no words. Nowhere to begin explaining and nowhere to end explaining. No letters can be strung together to form appropriate sentences that will convey the surface of this thing called Straight. Besides, talking about it brings me here; Performing a pitiful and whiney stream of consciousness to strangers.
Ramble on, Honey. If it helps you to vent, it sorta helps me. (I'm really fucked up like that---just gotta KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, Y'KNOW?)
Strangers who know. Strangers who, if they say anything at all, will probably say nasty things to me because you are all angry. Do you know why you're angry? Think about it. Or don't think about it.
Pissed off, yes. Pissed off at you, no. Of course we're angry, disgusted, indignant, and a few other "feeling" words that don't come to mid right now.....we went through some really weird, rough shit...and some of us are only now able to think about it, much less talk about it. It wasn't you that was fucked up, it was a fucked up situation you were in.....
One of the ultimatums (sp?) that was given to me by my ex boyfriend was to stop fighting. He said that he was afraid to go anywhere with me because he was always nervous that I was going to fight someone. I've been working on that. I haven't been in a physical confrontation (not counting the girl who I threatened in the bar a couple months ago) in nearly a year. Ironically, my anger worsens coincidingly.
Maybe there's some stuff you need to talk about with someone you can trust. Maybe you get angry for reasons that are perfectly justified, maybe not. I can't really tell you from this post you have read--I don't know the specifics. I do know that it's not nice to go around hurting people. Stop hurting others and you will generally find that they stop hurting you, or so I've been told....
I'm done. I feel better. I'm late for my date now, but that's just the self-centered person who I am. I hope to never come back here.
"
That's cool. Hope everything works out for you OK. If not, it's cool with me if you ever need to come back here and vent. Good luck.
