Shaggys, (and whoever is following this drama ;p )
Ok, lets clear the air between us. I came here some years ago just by chance...and was shell shocked! The people who were here then could probably tell you, especially Ginger. I had/have so many questions, because seriously I really believed all that time that I was just a failure for not being able to conform and advance in the program. Yea, I knew I refused because somewhere inside me I knew it was fucked up and wrong.. But remember the staff and most of the phasers kept telling me "if you are actually ~normal~ you would just comply and get out".. But I couldn't.. there were times when I wanted to, but it just wouldn't happen. I found it very difficult to lie or "fake" it.. so I sat there, and sat there..It was sadly pathetic. I dreamed of a revolt based, knowing the place was bizarre, but of course that never happened... so I sat there..My program was fairly brutal, physically. I was restrained just about everyday for nothing.. except protecting my personal self when they tried to force motivate my hands. And you better believe it, I have a lot of feelings about those people who tried to physically motivate me or that restrained me.. feelings that I just can not process. I have the toughest time letting those specific people "off the hook." The people here can tell you though, I have the hardest times letting staff who come here "off the hook." Sorry, I still have very intense emotions about the people who personally abused me in Straight. I will evolve and get better at forgiving and understanding.. but for now, this is where I am at.
When I ask how, I mean actually HOW.. How do people fake it? And when I ask WHY, it isn't that I expect some answer, because I already know the answer. (knowing some of the dynamics of psychology) But, I can't stop asking it, because it is something I have no personal concept of. Therefore I have no avenue in my brain for it to fit and feel good.
I don't ~Blame the phasers..I blame the program and programming, but you must understand it is information I can not fully process and feel resolved. There are "phasers" I truly care for deeply. My last oldcommer and her Mom, for instance. I would not want to verbally hurt these people, so I try really hard to stay away from the subject. But if it is complete absolution you want from me, you are looking in the wrong place. It is something I can not allow, because to do so would force me to internalize something I can not process and feel resolved about. There seems to be a fine line between victim and perpetrator, when it comes to Straight Inc. It is so shameful they did this to us, pitting us against each other. I realize we were just kids. I realize there were adults in control and they are most to blame.
And I am not perfect, there are going to be times when I don't fully think things out before I write them and things will come out wrong or more blunt than I actually feel. I know my experience was different than most of yours, but it is just as valuable. I know my posting here provokes conversation about who is to blame, because there are times when I can only think of the actual people who spit in my face everyday, and those people were phasers! But, that doesn't mean I hate phasers or hold them 100% accountable for doing it. I come here to learn from you all, so that I can learn to understand and forgive where it is due. And honestly, there are staff and phasers I doubt I will ever forgive. As I am sure everyone of us feels at one time or another. I mean, wouldn't you like to pull that Dr.s toenails out someday?? ;p Even though it was the program who made him not use numbing medications.......It is hard to see who is truly accountable, especially in moments of raw emotion.
So, please don't respond so sensitively to me. I know my experience brings about difficult questions, but remember your experience brings about difficult questions for me too. And that little girl in me is gonna show herself and wanna know the how and why...on occasion. It is just something that part of me can not grasp, consistently. I am sorry for that, she is still hurting....As I am sure your child self is too.