I Have A Troubled Son. What should I do?

[Dad Trying]

 

What helped another mother on this site?  Her son used to hang around with the same crowd.  Eventually, one of his friends got in big trouble.  He then realized he didn't want to go that route.  Maybe you could engineer something like that.  Hire a PI, take photos, deliver package to popo.

I think it's common sense.. but don't tell your kid you did this when the kid gets in trouble.

I have thought that I would love to see his dealer get busted. I looked up the drug laws in my state like 70'sRebel suggested. Ist offense pot dealing gets up to 5 years and dealing at school is up to another 10 years. The dealer is careful when he picks my son up and drops him off. I know a few cops. Maybe a "sting" is in order.

[Anonymous]

why are you all such assholes? are you trying to bait parents into revealing things about themselves here so you can bash them openly? it only makes them angry and sad and so they seek comfort from the people who tell them what the want to hear who are edcons and lon woodbury and sou chef and kevin august and the like. we should be thanking this dad for even coming to this shithole forum and humoring us with his posts. we should be flattered that he asks us for advice about his kid!!! instead the regulars treat him like garbage in an attempt to silence him so the forum can return to its normal garbage talk about pot, heroin and prostitutes!!! do you all treat your real parents with such disrespect? if you do i hope they smack you in the mouth the next time they see you, because some of you truly disgust me!!!

dad trying... ignore the advice here and go get help from a real professional like oprah or dr phil or someone who has been trained in how to deal with out of control teens. you are asking an art major and korean school teacher for parenting advice, are you on crack??!!

[Anonymous]

 

What helped another mother on this site?  Her son used to hang around with the same crowd.  Eventually, one of his friends got in big trouble.  He then realized he didn't want to go that route.  Maybe you could engineer something like that.  Hire a PI, take photos, deliver package to popo.

I think it's common sense.. but don't tell your kid you did this when the kid gets in trouble.

I have thought that I would love to see his dealer get busted. I looked up the drug laws in my state like 70'sRebel suggested. Ist offense pot dealing gets up to 5 years and dealing at school is up to another 10 years. The dealer is careful when he picks my son up and drops him off. I know a few cops. Maybe a "sting" is in order.

Good way to get a kid killed!

[Anonymous]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Your kid's dealer is like a soccer mom ::bwahaha::, and we've got even more trollage on top of that!

This is a beautiful thread.

[psy]

Him threatening to kill himself:

Program interpretation: Manipulation
 what happens: his attempts are ignored, on day he suceeds.  i've seen it happen

Psychologist's interpretation: Cry for Help
 what happens: he gets therapy, things improve


As for ombudsman:  sounds good.  It's part time and the kid lives at home.  It may give him something he feels he's good at.  What are his interests?

I talked to him about Ombudsman tonight. I thought he would like only 3 -4 hrs of school, zip through the material, and go home. He says he learns better by listening to teachers. He wants it spoon fed to him. Says he wants to go to "normal school."

His interests are guitar and his loser friends.

Well...  Is he open to going to this school?

There is the problem of his friends.  If he is interested in hanging around with them, trying to keep him from them will cause conflict.  Perhaps you can think of a way his other interest (guitar) could be used to get him to hang around with a new bunch of friends.

Regarding the pot and his loser friends: how bad are they?  Are your observations of them based on rumor?  Are they often in trouble?  How much pot does he smoke?

Quite a few of my IT coworkers were serious potheads when they were younger (morning, noon and night), but grew out of it...  It is not physically addictive.  If he was doing coke/xtc/meth/heroin, i would be worried, but as it is, you might be best off by telling him "not in the house".

What i'm getting at, is that maybe you can come to a compromise on some issues.  He might get into trouble, but it's better now than when he's over 18.  Unless he is dealing, in most states he'll get a slap on the wrist, and his record expunged when he turns 18.

If he feels he has a problem with something, it is important that he feels he can come to you.  An open relationship has it's benefits in that respect.  And as i said, he might learn, as another parent did on this site, that he does not want to go down the "road" that his friends are taking.  You cannot force him to choose his friends and trying to will make likely make him rebel further.  Dealing with this issue, i think is one of the hardest things you will have to do.  Compromise is one suggestion.  I'm sure others posters can come up with more.

[Ganja]

Your kid won't improve until he realizes he has a problem... He might not have a drug problem. If he's only smoking pot? Who hasn't done that when they were teenagers. As for his depression... that he needs help for.

That is IF he is in fact depressed...(let's not play pshrinky-dinks)

Could be he was just bummed out about getting hassled for getting high; happens to the best of us all the time.

I'm gonna catch a buzz right now.....with my dad!!!  :lol:

[Ganja]

What helped another mother on this site? Her son used to hang around with the same crowd. Eventually, one of his friends got in big trouble. He then realized he didn't want to go that route. Maybe you could engineer something like that. Hire a PI, take photos, deliver package to popo.

If you're suggesting what I think you are, that's a pretty fucked up suggestion you just made there, psy.

[Ganja]

Your a psych major right?

Really? I'd say you still have a ways to go before I'd let you shrink my head, psy...  :lol:

[Ganja]

This is what i would do if i were the kid's father: i would let him punch me until he gave me a bloody nose and/or black eye. If he didn't succeed. I might do it myself. The next morning. When he sees the black eye. what do you think he might feel? Might he feel guilty enough to want to get some anger management / therapy?

Damn! Yet another elaborately concocted ruse in attempt to prove some point...  :rofl:

[Ganja]

How old is this kid and what is his size?

He is 15 / 6" long, medium width.

 :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

[Anonymous]

What helped another mother on this site? Her son used to hang around with the same crowd. Eventually, one of his friends got in big trouble. He then realized he didn't want to go that route. Maybe you could engineer something like that. Hire a PI, take photos, deliver package to popo.

If you're suggesting what I think you are, that's a pretty fucked up suggestion you just made there, psy.

Many suggestions people throw out are equally fucked up. That's what  is great about this particular type of troll. It brings out the fucked up advice and alternatives people are offering parents behind the scenes. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

What we ought to be doing is trying to figure out where this king sized lunatic lives

Zul'Farrak. (Google.)

[Anonymous]

This is what i would do if i were the kid's father: i would let him punch me until he gave me a bloody nose and/or black eye. If he didn't succeed. I might do it myself. The next morning. When he sees the black eye. what do you think he might feel? Might he feel guilty enough to want to get some anger management / therapy?

Damn! Yet another elaborately concocted ruse in attempt to prove some point...  :rofl:

 :rofl:    :rofl:

[Dad Trying]

went into a rage and started pummeling my face as I lie on the couch. I took psy's suggestion and let him hit me some more after I got off the couch

Dad~

I have to seriously disagree with psy's advise on this matter.  This is abuse ... pure and simple.  NO ONE has the right to "pummel" someone else for ANY reason.

You are sending your son the message that physical violence is an appropriate method of expressing his emotions.  That it is OK to punch a human being when he doesn't get his way.

Someday, he will take that lesson to his marriage.  When his wife does not give in to his protestations and emotional manipulations, he will resort to making her his human punching bag.

Perhaps someday when he is confronted by a boss, he will resort to physical violence to make his point.

Or God forbid, someday when he has a child of his own he will resort to punching when he has no better anger management skill.

You are not teaching your son to be responsible.  You are not teaching him to respect others.  You are not teaching him to manage his anger effectively.

Violence is always wrong.  ALWAYS.  Next time call 911 and let him suffer the real life consequences of pummeling someone.


PSY ~ I usually respect your perspectives, but you're way off on this one.  If my husband was frustrated with me for something would you honestly advise me to just let him haul off and pummel me?  Or would you begin to show me that this constitutes spousal abuse?  I think we both know the answer to that question.

Read why i suggested it before condemning me.  Would you rather he did what he did before: pummel the kid back!?!?  That didn't work.  At least here, the kid admitted he didn't feel good about it.  Pummeling him back would make him feel justified and further the conflict.  He might feel it's ok to attack his father since he fights back.  Violence is ended when one party refuses to participate in it.  Period.  I'm not a Christian but there is a lot of wisdom in "turn the other cheek (offer him the other)"  The father chose not to respond, and the kid felt bad about hitting him.  From now on, if he attacks his father, he will do so dishonorably, by attacking a defenseless target.

The point is to make the kid feel shame.  The point is for the kid to look at his father ignoring his blows and say to himself "could i do that, do i have the strength?"...  The point is to make the kid realize that he hurt somebody else.  Read my original advice before condemning me.

I aggree the kid probably needs anger management, but kids learn from their parents... if the father pummels the kid back.. it sends the message that pummeling each other is a rational, healthy way of dealing with family disagreements...

Maybe he needs anger management, but let's see if he stops on his own.

What good would the police do?  What if the kid is stupid enough to fight back?  There's a reason why it's called "less than lethal force", not "non-lethal force"...  You want to put the kid in jail, and teach him that he's a total fuck-up.  No.  The solution is to teach the kid that he's worth something.. by giving him something positive to do, a sense of purpose. That's one reason why i think the computer school his father suggested (3 hours a day) would be a great idea for him.  It only works if he finds it interesting though... which is why i asked what he was interested in.

psy,

Thanks for the advice. I failed to mention that my son actually said, "I'm sorry," about 20 minutes after the pummeling (can't call it a fight;-) We went for pizza and then to a movie after I picked him up today. He didn't even ask me to drop him off at the mall afterwards. He thanked me for the movie. He's a good kid at heart, always has been....just has some emotional problems and fell in with the wrong crowd. His therapist said he's functioning at the emotional level of a 12 year old.

[Anonymous]

Robert, thanks, but he dislikes the military (not the troops, just the military life) and says he will run away if sent there. They won't take cadets unless the cadet wants to go anyway. We were going to send him to a military school at the start of the 9th grade for verbally fighting with his mother and he started having serious OCD symptoms. I guess he did have some problems before meeting the bad friends, but his 9th grade year went smoothly overall.

I think the thing youre forgetting is that you are the parent here, he is the child. So what if he doesnt want to go. Make him. If he threatens to run away wish him the best of luck. Hes threatening you with these things because youve shown youre willing to do anything to give him anything as a means of getting him to behave. The moment you finally stand up to your kid he'll back down.

Actually, the military school we were going to send him to, Camden Military Academy, requires the new cadet to sign the application with the parent. And his OCD symptoms were very real, and I doubt he could function there. Also, they require a year's tuition up front and it's nonrefundable.

I have stood up to him every time. Several times it resulted in fist fights. I always win, with him having an aching face or bloody nose. That worked for awhile, but now he wants his way more than he fears losing a fight.

Reposted to prevent editting. 2-11-07tsw

You still think this guy is real?