Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Benchmark Young Adult School / Benchmark Transitions
ST Cluelessness
exhausted:
Yes I've been trying to rack my brains on how to make him pay a fine off, as he is cut off from all finances right now, simply because he spends the money on cigarettes and steals form me - I'm not financing his smoking and train fares to go wherever it is he goes to, I have however refused him money at the shop for sweets and also not given him money for his youth club this week, not sure that's enough, I'll take up your suggestion and let him decide his punishment
although he categorically denies it and says someone must have given his name (Yer right....do I look stupid?)
AtomicAnt:
One of things I learned the hard way as a parent is not to threaten the removal of some priviledge or activity that I myself wanted.
His money for the youth club, if this club is something that is positive for him, might not be the thing to cease. Promote the positive.
Based on your description of your sons, I don't have any easy answers. They seem quite independent and willful.
AtomicAnt:
--- Quote from: ""TS Waygookin"" ---More like a huge sense of entitlement. Sort of like they are entitled to act they way they act.
--- End quote ---
Maybe so, but we're too far away and only have one person's written perspective on the situation. From what exhausted has written, I conclude:
These boys have adopted a lifestyle that rides along the fringes of the law. They seem poised to fall either way as they grow, but might just stay in lifestyle they are currently in. There is an absence of positive male role modeling. The 19-year-old is probably the closest adult male the 13-year-old has. This is not a good thing. Older brothers can be a huge influence; especially with no father in the picture.
Am I correct that no father is actively in the picture?
From where I sit, the boys aren't that bad. They just have not had the appropriate concepts of personal integrity modeled for them by close adult males. They don't know what it looks like to be a responsible, caring, adult male. So, they are not growing up.
I don't have clue what to do about it, except to try to instill a sense of personal pride and integrity in them. I think the only way to teach them responsibility is to give them responsibility. That is surely easier said than done.
exhausted:
Yep you're right in that the male role model is the older brother, and it's not a good one, in fact it's a terrible one, my 1st move has to be that he has to leave the house, I can't say that the younger two are out of control because of his behabviour, they do have their own minds, but I certainly don't think it helps seeing him get away wiht keeping me awake until early hours of the morning swearing & creating, smashing the house up and getting away with it, to their minds, they are only 13 & 14 after all, if he can get away wioth that behaviour, why shouldn't they be able to? I do understand where they come from with that.....it's not just me letting him get away with it either, I call the police, they take him away and then bring him back with a telling off....I'm not protected at all by the authorities
I also discovered recently he has been violent towards them, they haven't told me because they had been intimidated by him into keeping quiet, he smashed the house up with a tennis racket, then hit them with it, hit them with a golf club because he had to get up early to go to court and decided they should be up too - and he also does it when he wants them to make him something to eat late at night, if they refuse he bites them, hits them and beats up on them in general, my problem is that he's getting nastier and nastier towards me - I cal the police and they release him, it's me who gets the backlash once he's free to do so, I can sort of deal with that, although mentally I'm not dealing with it at all well, it's the boys I worry about getting the consequences of his anger
I did have a surprise tonight thogh, my boys came in and it was like someone gave me back the kids I once had, removing their bad attitude and delivering them as they once were, they told me they wouldn't be late but had to go finish helping a neighbour whose wall had been knocked down (they'd been picking the bricks up and stacking them) they also told me a friend of theres, who I really didn't want them hanging out with as he is real trouble, smokes weed and drinks heavily, is always in trouble, had been arrested, and it was the best thing that ever happened to them as they don't want to be around him because he will drag them down woth htem.....I actually got a mature conversation out of my kids :o and I didn't initiate the converstaion at all
As they went back out they said "love you mum, promise not to be back too late" - I'm not fooled, but I encouraged their way of thinking and have left it that I believe them and to stay safe, the normal parent stuff you say, i would never say "I've heard it all before I dont believe you" and I certainly don't expect them not to do something that will get them into trouble, but for now, I want to enjoy the moment while they're in this frame of mind
Just to clarify about the youth club, yes I can understand why you would say to encourage that, but if I give them money, I cnat trust them to actually go - I'm wondering if next week I should take them and pay their money in and then go pick them up - it's humiliating for them I agree, but at least I'd know where the money is going and they're really turning up there and spending my money on what i give it to them for, if they're that desperate to go, they'll understand it's what i have to do for a while until they earn my trust back
So - that's the story so far! Now help me to get the eldest out of here!!!!
Anonymous:
Woah, hold the fuck up... your eldest has been hitting his own little brothers with a fucking golf club?
Jesus no wonder they were so aggressive.
Hasn't it been more than 30 days since you gave him notice to leave? Why,.exactly, is he not gone now? If you were on this side of the pond, you could basically walk into any courtroom in the country and walk out with a temporary restraining order.
--- Quote ---if I give them money, I cnat trust them to actually go - I'm wondering if next week I should take them and pay their money in and then go pick them up - it's humiliating for them I agree, but at least I'd know where the money is going
--- End quote ---
Really easy solution: If the business of fees works the same way it usually does here, write a cheque made out to the youth club and give it to your kids.
--- Quote ---had been arrested, and it was the best thing that ever happened to them as they don't want to be around him because he will drag them down woth htem.....I actually got a mature conversation out of my kids :o and I didn't initiate the converstaion at all
--- End quote ---
You remember when you told them that they were responsible for their own futures? This is a direct ramification of that.
You're completely on the right track with regards to where they're going and what they're doing but I want to warn you about this phrase:
--- Quote ---it was like someone gave me back the kids I once had
--- End quote ---
This is an extremely dangerous line of thinking. Don't ever say this to them or anyone else in person. You can express it this way on Fornits if you like, but thinking "get back the kids I used to have" or any variant leads directly to perdition, with a brief stop in pandemonium. The only way out of adolescence is through it. If they think for an instant that you're trying to go backwards and belittle them (actually the correct word is many times worse than 'belittle'), they might react in horrible, unexpected ways.
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