On 2004-03-29 17:49:00, Anonymous wrote:
"please know that your friend's son is safe and in very good hands. My son is there and although he didn't like it at first (what kid would?) He has adjusted well and thanks us for sending him. We are going to get our son back, not the defiant, angry boy that we sent"
Seemingly reassuring, innocuous words, yet disturbing if your think about it. You should be hoping you don't get your son back; not the way he was, anyway. Do you expect to have you son come back the way he was before he began acting defiant and angry? You should not want this. You should want your son to come back more independent of you, not less. He is growing up and should be moving towards more independence, more capable, and more mature than before. The forced compliance methods of these programs will never deliver that.
Show me a teenage boy that isn't at least a little defiant and angry and I'll show you a teenage boy that has either had his testicles removed, or has had the spirit beaten out of him. Statistically, 70 percent of teenage boys commit a crime between the ages of 12 and 18 and 30 percent of them have at least one run-in with police (taken from a TV show on Discovery Channel called Species: Boys).
This same TV show basically said that beginning at puberty, the region of a boy's brain that deals with abstract problem develops quickly complementing the increased aggressiveness of testosterone. The problem is that the boy's decision making and problem solving skills have not kept up. This makes the early teen years difficult and critical for parents as they are faced with a kid's independent thinking, when the thinking can seem crazy. Boys in this age group tend to travel in same-sex groups where the members are competitive and test and push each other.
At the same time, the boy will be moving from believing what his parents taught him towards developing his own beliefs and values. This involves devaluing the parent and looking more to outside sources (peers, teachers, media) for answers and examples. Most of the time, the boy will end up with the same values as his parents, but has come to these values on his own, not just by being told what they are. This is crucial for the developing boy to internalize these values and make them his own as an independent person. The parents role is critical here and involves being the parent, not a friend, and providing a safety net for the teen. This is where talking to the boy is critical; even he seems not be listening. He is listening. He is also considering opposing opinions and arguments. This stuff can be found in pretty much any mainstream parenting article.
Normally, things should settle a bit by the mid teens when/if the boy pair bonds (gets a girlfriend/boyfriend) and starts developing relationship skills.
These so-called schools really mess up this process. By providing too much 'structure', no opposing views, and demanding obedience, no real development occurs. The boy is forced to remain the dependent child. The results of such a deficient upbringing are unpredictable at best. You may get back an obedient son, but will his outward behavior be reflective of internalized values? If not, the original problems will return as the growing process must still take place. Or, the person returned will have a problem living up to an imposed set of standards (that he may actually believe in) but internally there is a disconnect. Also, since these kids are forced to remain in same-sex groups, they never grow beyond this stage and can have delays in developing relationship skills placing them behind others in their age group.
