so I guess I'm going to have to get used to those few steps forward meaning giant leaps back at times
I was so pleased they were settling in to some normal behaviour too
Yeah, it does mean giant leaps backwards sometimes. Sucks, I know. I went through this for about 6 years with my oldest one. She's now 21 and finally has a direction in her life and is doing well, but it's been a long, hard road for both of us. From what I've been reading (I haven't gotten all of it, but the general gist) you're not doing so badly a job. If he breaks someone's window, let him suffer the natural consequences. Your job is to help guide them through this period of thier lives, not to make them behave...although I understand the desire to do so. All you can do is teach them right from wrong, try to set the example and above all, be realistic with them. Realistic in expectations of them (letting them figure out what they want for their lives, not what you want for them), realistic about drugs and sex (not spreading the propaganda about pot being dangerous, give them condoms instead of preaching abstinence) and realistic in what the natural consequences of their actions are. If they steal and get caught, they pay the price. Mom doesn't pay the fine, ground them and let it go.
It does eventually get better, really it does. Just be real with them. Both of mine tell me that's the best thing I ever did for them. I didn't talk just to hear myself talk, there weren't arbitrary rules in our house and I was pretty damn open and honest with them about my own life and what happened due to some of the choices I made. I didn't buy into or teach them the anti-drug crap that's shoved down our throats in this country or freak out when they wore stupid, freakish clothes or hung out with idiots. Teenagers are idiots a lot of the time, it's normal. It's a part of cutting the apron strings and figuring out who
they are and what
they want for their own lives. It's easy to get caught up in the kind of thinking like "I'm just trying to ensure their future" or "if they don't finish school life will suck" or "I'm trying to keep them away from bad influences". None of that kind of thinking works. They're supposed to be stupid morons for a while. They're supposed to hate us for a while. They're supposed to do crazy things that keep us awake all night and jumpy, waiting for a phone call. It sucks, but it's true and it's all necessary for them to grow up.
I wish you the best. It will get better...someday.