ASR

[Troll Control]

Another option would be to replace all the oil in her crankcase with STP and the sound will go away, but research has shown that although this is correct it is only a short term fix and will only serve to mask the problem and postpone the inevitable and probably makes things worse.

Got it.  You sent your kid to someone else and all they did was fill her crank case with STP and tell you she was all fixed.

Even though you backed into it, Who, what you've described in a little analogy nutshell is the Teen Help industry.

"We make the noise go away, and, if it ever comes back, you can send her back to us.  It's called a 'guarantee'!"  :roll:

"Why do they offer a guarantee on the box?  Because they know what they're selling you is a guaranteed piece of shit!  I could take a dump in a box and mark it 'guaranteed.'  I've got a lot of spare time..."  - Tommy Boy

(parenthetical note:  As sick as it seems, most of these "TBS's" do indeed offer a guarantee, in writing, on your kid's behavior - if that doesn't make you run like hell from these shysters, nothing will...)

[Deborah]

:roll:
Kids don't just wake up one day and fall 'off the tracks'. If you look back through the kid's/family history, you will find the causes for uncooperative, self destructive behavior.
If you want to know where these problems begin, watch Super Nanny and Nanny 911. I prefer the former.
You'll clearly see that kids' behavior is of the parents' making. And can rapidly change when the parent becomes a parent.
There is a serious epidemic of lousy parenting in this country, and TBSs are filling the void. For a price.
If structure, responsibilities, consequences, appropriate modeling, learning tools, conflict resolution are provided at home and the child's not responding or cooperating, how do they achieve it in an institution?
I know, but I don't think you do.

[Programmie-Trans 9000]

Okay try this one:

Its like waking up one morning and realizing that your car has grown itself into a high-end Dodge Viper, despite your careless neglect of things like its transmission fluid, brakes, tires, etc. You can't drive it anymore- it's way too fast for you and the handling is too precise for you to be able to make a left turn without skidding out of control. So in order to destroy the car's capabilities and make it easier for you to handle, you get right to work, order the Chiltons manual do some online research, maybe adjust the valves, but all to no avail. So you call up some local people to come look at it, but they say something like "Worsen the handling? Screw up the brakes and the engine? We're not going to do that to a car." So you find someone who gets paid a hefty referral fee to send the car to someone who performs massive downgrades to vehicles. Research has shown that this is only a short term fix and the car will end up regaining some of its capabilities and end up becoming a very twitchy, unpredictable vehicle, and hasten the inevitable and definitely make things worse, but that's not the man's problem as the car will be out of his hands by then. This makes the man very relieved- the other cars won't try to become Dodge Vipers and he doesn't have to try to drive that thing anymore. Another option would be to replace the fucking driver, but he's way too egotistical to see that as an option.
So this decision to send the car off basically means the driver doesn?t know enough about Dodge Vipers to drive one, he knows the sacrifice will affect everyone but he honestly doesn't give a shit as it's not his problem anymore.

[Deborah]

(parenthetical note:  As sick as it seems, most of these "TBS's" do indeed offer a guarantee, in writing, on your kid's behavior - if that doesn't make you run like hell from these shysters, nothing will...)

HLAs guarentee had a stipulation- you must send your kid to one of their pre-approved traditional boarding schools. Didn't want the kid coming home and dashing the illusion that they had fixed him/her.

[Troll Control]

How's that working out for HLA?

[Charly]

Deborah- What were some of the boarding schools they referred to, if you recall.  Thanks.

[TheWho]

Another option would be to replace all the oil in her crankcase with STP and the sound will go away, but research has shown that although this is correct it is only a short term fix and will only serve to mask the problem and postpone the inevitable and probably makes things worse.

Got it.  You sent your kid to someone else and all they did was fill her crank case with STP and tell you she was all fixed.

Even though you backed into it, Who, what you've described in a little analogy nutshell is the Teen Help industry.

"We make the noise go away, and, if it ever comes back, you can send her back to us.  It's called a 'guarantee'!"  :roll:

"Why do they offer a guarantee on the box?  Because they know what they're selling you is a guaranteed piece of shit!  I could take a dump in a box and mark it 'guaranteed.'  I've got a lot of spare time..."  - Tommy Boy

(parenthetical note:  As sick as it seems, most of these "TBS's" do indeed offer a guarantee, in writing, on your kid's behavior - if that doesn't make you run like hell from these shysters, nothing will...)

I agree 100%, filling the crank case with STP would only serve to mask the problem  (Thats the point, that can be done at home) we dont want to ignore the problem or put a band on it to cover it up and move on.....  So lets finish my analogy....

Another option would be to replace all the oil in her crankcase with STP and the sound will go away, but research has shown that although this is correct it is only a short term fix and will only serve to mask the problem and postpone the inevitable and probably makes things worse.
So this decision to send the car off doesn?t mean the stretch limo caretaker doesn?t care enough about Mercedes stretch 2002 to keep her home, he knows the sacrifice will affect everyone and in the end she will become a happy member of the fleet again.


So the decison was made not to mask the problem but to seek help above and beyond what could be done locally.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't get the point. Please stop replying to him.

::troll::

[Troll Control]

I know he doesn't get it, but I can't resist the image of him - to use an analogy - flopping around on the floor gasping for air while looking up at the fishbowl he just jumped out of...

It's funny.

And, yes, sending your daughter to ASR to get her crankcase filled with STP is exactly what you did.  If you could have shut her up at home, you'd have done it.  You couldn't so you engaged the "professionals" at ASR to shut her up for you.

[TheWho]

I know he doesn't get it, but I can't resist the image of him - to use an analogy - flopping around on the floor gasping for air while looking up at the fishbowl he just jumped out of...
It's funny.

And, yes, sending your daughter to ASR to get her crankcase filled with STP is exactly what you did.  If you could have shut her up at home, you'd have done it.  You couldn't so you engaged the "professionals" at ASR to shut her up for you.

See, DJ, you made a funny!!  That was good!

Well, as far as my daughter goes, time will also tell.  She is on a good track and has been for years.  The STP would have warn down long ago.....the permanent help is more lasting

[Deborah]

Deborah- What were some of the boarding schools they referred to, if you recall.  Thanks.

The two I know my ex considered were
Gould Academy in Bethel, Maine
Vermont Academy in Saxtons River, Vt

There's a list here:
http://www.hiddenlakeacademy.com/Boardi ... ances.aspx
but I'm not sure they're ALL on the approved list. Some may just be listed simply because a student moved there.

My son was set to enter Vermont Academy when his dad apparently had a revelation and pulled him from HLA two months early. He finished at his old high school.

[Deborah]

Well, as far as my daughter goes, time will also tell.  She is on a good track and has been for years.  The STP would have warn down long ago.....the permanent help is more lasting

Time will not necessarily tell. Your daughter may never tell you her true feelings, or the intimate details of her experience. My sons have a reasonably good relationship with their father, albeit surface. They know his limitations and don't exceed them. That could change someday if one of them ever feels wronged or violated by him. As long as the money flows and the good times roll, all will probably remain the same. And that will remain a part of the past they just don't revisit.
The effects can be as obvious as depression and/or intense PTSD to unexplained difficulty in intimate relationships to difficulty with authority- from rebellion to being unable to advocate for one's self. And it's quiet likely that the 'victim' doesn't connect the dots between the social difficulties their experiencing and their conditioning in program.

[Oz girl]

Well, as far as my daughter goes, time will also tell.  She is on a good track and has been for years.  The STP would have warn down long ago.....the permanent help is more lasting

Time will not necessarily tell. Your daughter may never tell you her true feelings, or the intimate details of her experience. My sons have a reasonably good relationship with their father, albeit surface. They know his limitations and don't exceed them. That could change someday if one of them ever feels wronged or violated by him. As long as the money flows and the good times roll, all will probably remain the same. And that will remain a part of the past they just don't revisit.
The effects can be as obvious as depression and/or intense PTSD to unexplained difficulty in intimate relationships to difficulty with authority- from rebellion to being unable to advocate for one's self. And it's quiet likely that the 'victim' doesn't connect the dots between the social difficulties their experiencing and their conditioning in program.

Great post deborah. One thing that the Who and those of his ilk never seem to get is the idea that if a kid is "On track" this is all that matters. Locking kids up so that they toe the party line eventually robs them of the chance to actually learn anything for themselves.

[Charly]

Oz- Toeing the party line is not what most parents hope for when a teen is sent to a program.  They WANT the kid to learn about themselves and get at what is motivating the destructive behaviors.
I have a kid who got kicked out of pre-school. He never did toe the party line. That didn't always work so well for him, but he needed to figure out when he could compromise and when he couldn't.  He didn't toe it at his program and he didn't always toe it afterwards.  
What parents want for their kids is for them to 1. stay alive 2. love and respect THEMSELVES and 3. achieve the happiness and goals they set for themselves.

[TheWho]

Well, as far as my daughter goes, time will also tell.  She is on a good track and has been for years.  The STP would have warn down long ago.....the permanent help is more lasting

Time will not necessarily tell. Your daughter may never tell you her true feelings, or the intimate details of her experience. My sons have a reasonably good relationship with their father, albeit surface. They know his limitations and don't exceed them. That could change someday if one of them ever feels wronged or violated by him. As long as the money flows and the good times roll, all will probably remain the same. And that will remain a part of the past they just don't revisit.
The effects can be as obvious as depression and/or intense PTSD to unexplained difficulty in intimate relationships to difficulty with authority- from rebellion to being unable to advocate for one's self. And it's quiet likely that the 'victim' doesn't connect the dots between the social difficulties their experiencing and their conditioning in program.

True, but how are any of us ever going to know.  The same effect could take place by tough displine at home, drawing a hard line.  The kids feel wronged or their rights violated and never see you in the same way again or afraid to challenge the rules because they dont want to be grounded again.  This effect doesnt have to be limited to a TBS stay.....