Remember your first days in the program, before you understood what they were talking about, with the feelings and everything ?? I was in there about 3 weeks when I was called on to talk about my past. I stood up and began to talk about some incident. I exaggerated my shame and guilt and even tried to cry(sorry to disappoint, it's not easy to write) for the group, but I was confronted and accused of pushin out feelins or something and the staff told me I better get in touch with my feelings or something and I sat down and felt a ton of pressure and more forsaken and alone than I ever had until then.
What occurs to me now is the extreme pressure you were kept under in the hope that you would not only conform but also become "aware". The pressure to correctly analyze and articulate in specific words your deepest thoughts and emotions. If you were inspecific you would be told about it by some group member or staff and encouraged to put your general abstract thoughts into very specific words, which you could then be manipulated with.
There was a time before $tr8 when I was not so "aware" in words or "in my head" in words, as it were. But since $tr8 I've never left my head for long again. I mean, I was aware before $tr8 too, I always have been able to feel things; strong intuition. But I was never very articulate about the feelings, I just knew what they meant. I can remember when my consciousness shifted and I understood the $tr8 trip. It was sometime after I was returned from my 1st cop-out. So maybe I was there 3 months or so when I developed the ability to articulate the program mind back to the group. And I was good enough at it that from then on I avoided unexpected confrontation from the group. I became "aware". remember that ?? Do you remember when your mind changed and you could speak the language sincerely ??
That was a major development in my life. Most people out in the world don't function in such a conscious state. It's not practical. But with the words came beliefs and new illusions to confuse and distract. I really did turn inward about 3 months in and I've since had to deal with it. $tr8 turned me inward to "search myself" for what they wanted. I was under constant duress until I learned to think and speak in the way of the program. I had to develop the ability to dissect my own most inward beliefs and trace the root of my every conscious thought and know what to call it in order to avoid the group's wrath. I became adept over time.
What am I gettin at ...?? I'm not sure...but there is something in the way they made you confess your mind to them. The way they made you put it all into very specific words, they made you aware of yourself. Even if the program was misguided, the principals they applied were real. The way they trained you to focus on what you felt and how to articulate it. That was the transformation. The essence of the cult. Some doors of perception, once opened can never be closed again. Or is that the Chronic PTSD ??
Do you remember when you became overly obsessed with articulating the inner workings of your own psychology ?? Do you know what I'm talkin about ?? See what I'm sayin ??
Sting sings ..."...With words they try to jail ya..."... Right on Sting, says I.
Ugh. Such is life....
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