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Messages - lookatmenowbitch

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1
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Are all CEDU employees really evil?
« on: April 03, 2005, 06:30:00 PM »
friends have their secrets too. just to let you know. who was your friend? maybe i knew them. i know there was a few "good" staff... but that few had left before they could get too far into the shit that cedu was doing.  im sorry to say that if your friend was supporting helping the "troubled adolescence" (which i believe means "normal teenager") then they were helping the crushing of my self esteem. so no offense to you friend.... but fuck them and let them find a real job....

2
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / i graduated but......
« on: April 01, 2005, 05:36:00 PM »
I have posted some things on here that i dont like talking about, but you know what? I did it so others could see the pain i went through and so they know that someone out there knows an experience of hurt.
I wrote a topic called "all the hurt"
i got someone who just said a couple words, but those words have made me think the most.
the words were:
and yet you graduated on stage?

listen my anonymous poster:

Yes i DID graduate on stage. I DID... and if i didnt? I WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN THERE UNTIL THE SHIT HOLE CLOSED DOWN!
do you understand that i had tried SOOOO hard to get out before?   5 hospital visits.....5...
can you count? do you realize i had to compromise the way people looked at me because i was trying to escape? I tried.
And god dammit the only way i figured to do it was to do everything underground. I knew if i graduated i would be walking off stage without being the bitch they wanted me to be... I am proud to say i HATE cedu. and you question that? you dare question my pain and the fact that i hurt???  
do you think i have lied  about all of this?
i most certainly have NOT...

and the best way i could get back at cedu was not to refuse and make a mockery of my life and everyone else there... but to do it as a parasite would the victim... my revenge would slowly grow in time with others that feel the same way.

so id like to say HOW DARE YOU even question my pain and hurt.
just because i graduated does NOT mean that i EVER had the intentions of being the brainwashed BITCH they wanted me to be... it means i had no other way out...

thank you for listening anonymous poster if you did.


"the one who does not feel the others pain, will never be able to judge the amount of crying the other can do."
                        -noelle

3
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / All the sluts From Cedu
« on: March 30, 2005, 07:22:00 PM »
so what? seriously so what if she was the most sexually active girl??? she probably wasnt the only one being that way... who cares if you didnt like her... and if your not going to treat someone with respect, at least treat them like they are human. ashley DOES have feelings
*even though i dont know her i know i am correct on that one)
so all of you who say these things about her, maybe you should look at what people say about you... im sure you would not like it at all. and i think by ashley not saying anything vulgar to you... she has the most maturity here.

to ashley: dont listen to what they say (which you probably arent and are having the time of your life laughing at them thinking how stupid they sound to be making fun of someone long after they need to.)
you are a girl i admire for not responding to these insecure assholes...

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
--Unknown


4
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Holla at your Boys!!!!
« on: March 29, 2005, 11:28:00 AM »
do you people really act this way? I mean, i know that ive said some vulgar, immature things before, but that was like what? when i was 13?
Im 17 now and i think i have ALOT more insight on what goes on in life... or really anything.
you all have points to your arguements and you have opinions that i know you want to get across and ill certainly listen, but not if you type nasty words to people.
 i mean, do YOU listen when people cuss and type obscenities?
am i just typing for no reason? because apparently people dont seem to get this far into reasonable sentences...

just remember, they wont read it if you say it like other people are lower than you

5
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / the steal that used to feel
« on: March 28, 2005, 05:19:00 PM »
not many people read my posts because of the fact that i dont yell and scream and my posts you must read to understand the next one, but i post them anyways just to get my thoughts and experiences out on the table:


i was once a golden curtain with softness to the touch and could be opened with a swiftness.
 I am now a unbreakable wall of steal. Those who try to penetrate its strength, shed the blood from their hands and go through battle trying to get in. They want to see inside. But what they dont and will never know is that there is a cold and unloving land that lies beyond those steal walls. And the golden curtain that had got laid behind the walls to be protected somehow got taken by someone who found a way to get in. I have made the walls stronger yet it is now protecting nothing except my hope that the golden curtain will be returned again.


I sit there watching the video to Beautiful" by christina Aguilera thinking only one thing...
why don't i seem to hear the words to what she is saying?
"you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down."
Words. That is all that can bring you down. and from my experience that is all that has brought me down.

Before i went to cedu i was at a group home in redding called 'victor youth'. I was unhappy at first ,yes, but i understood why i went there afterwards... I was helped. There I understood why i was held down. I was a very unsafe 13 year old who was unstable and couldnt keep her anger in control. I wouldn't have called it 'held down' there, because the hands that held me down loved me and told me this everyday. those hands were the hands of people who never broke me down just to see me cry, who didnt emotionally or even physically hurt me. Yes they did hold me down but only to keep me from hurting someone and did it only when necessary, and they did it so gently as if i was a baby.
After two weeks of leaving the group home, I thought I was on a cloud, hovering over the sadness I used to have. That is when i heard the news that I was leaving to go to a new school. I was confused and didnt understand what i did wrong. My mum and pops told me there was nothing wrong just that I needed a little more work to get better. I didnt get it. I was already gone for a year and a half! i mustve been dong something wrong. I was 14 by this time and it was september 2002.
The night before the morning i had to leave it was sept 4th and a beautiful night. I had just got off the phone with one of the staff at my last placement telling them that i was going to another place. they seemed worried for me, and they told me that they had heard about those places, that they werent like the group home. I told them not to worry and that i would have fun. I sat in bed thinking about everything, about my friends, about my parents. Thats when i thought about why they were sending me away. I realized i had no clue. they never really told me. oh well, i thought. maybe my life will be better there... If i had known that it would turn out like this I would have ran away the night before never having to deal with this amount of pain that i hold today.
SEPT 5th:
I got there and i did the whole deal with searching and the settling in. That night i sat and cried. On the couch I isolated myself and thought i would never see my parents again. people passed by and looked, yet kept walking. I thought i was being a baby crying like that. One girl walked by and stopped to ask what was wrong. I said i missed my parents and i didnt know why i was there. She looked at me with no sympathy in her eyes and said "you know why your here, dont play that game." she scoffed and mumbled 'stupid discovery' under her breath. I was so razzled and sad to care, so i continued to cry.

that was my first day.


thank you for reading if you did... there will be more... about more days and more history...


revenge is not a goal as much as it is a satisfaction of doing what was done to you.
                   - noelle

and for the top of my page:

The words of a human are more powerful in damage than any stick or stone that I have ever thrown.

                               - noelle

actions of a "damaged" child always come from the neglect of the careless parent.
                       
                           -noelle


ps...i want some of the people who actually read this to tell a story about a day in there life... first day or the 137th day...doesnt matter... or any in there life... ill listen...coz thats the only thing i can do.

6
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / made me a rock
« on: March 27, 2005, 08:55:00 PM »
people are so unaware of how i feel inside partly because i am a rock now.
i have been mentally abused to the point of insanity.
people think that the insane are not normal people. infact though, that is their cover.
    i would sit in a rap listening to people scream, at me, and not hear the words they were throwing at my face. WHORE, SLUT, CRAZY, UGLY, FAT.  and if i said something back which i always did if i didnt just sit there and take it, i would be laughed at and shut down to the point where i would be laughing at them inside thinking of the way theyre faces would be if i had killed myself in the most horrifying way ever at cedu. they would keep yelling of how i had not said a word the whole time, and me being me saying a good comeback like
"how could i, your mouths have been open the whole rap. i dont like to interupt." or look around and say "my god is it time for me to talk already?" in a sarcastic tone of absolute hate.
i was hurt, ridicouled, stabbed in the back, tormented,and my heart was horrendously torn apart by staff and students*...

*the staff were not the only ones who have done the pain causing...im not sayin the staff were rightim just saying students have done many outrageous things to go out of there way to hurt another student for really petty reasons.
**many reasons were the same the staff had.

i would say more but then that would leave less posts for me to talk about...
here are some quotes that i made and if i have accedently said someone elses then im sorry... i tried to think of my own.

 

i have died only once,
next time i will be in my coffin.
-noelle

you get hurt once,
you understand.
you get hurt twice,
you feel it.
you get hurt three times,
your heart stings.
the last time,
automatic death.

-noelle (not my best but a start.


when you tell a grown adult to erase bad memories,
you tell the child inside to erase the hope of a good future.

-noelle (getting better)


if you leave a wounded heart to rot,
you will forever leave the mending to stall.

 - noelle (my favorite other than the first one i ever wrote)

7
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / all the hurt
« on: March 27, 2005, 04:59:00 PM »
I went to cedu from sept 2002 to june 2004. Pain I will certainly never get over and grudges on the people who have hurt me so.

I went a cold lonely sad 14 year old coked up 98 pound little girl...
I am now a cold lonely sad 17 year old drugged up with pain and grudge still in my heart, just waiting to be free and happy from the memories again, hating every single thing my parents do and taking control with them but nothing else in life, i live on my own and have no money, everyday i am called a slut at school because of nasty rumors, i am now more knowledgeable about my eating disorder and how to hide it very well, i cry every night and at random times and wish i was dead.

maybe this is all from the fact that i didnt "cope" with my pain and that i am not getting over the cedu memories.
all i know is i went in knowing nothing about anything harmful, and i came out knowing everything about the things i hide now today.  I know to never cry when someone close hurts me.
I remember in raps how i sat across the room from the screaming demon who was my "friend" but who had turned her heart cold towards me because of the fact that i had gotten caught for something that she had been involved with and most of the kids in the room had been too. they knew i would say nothing. they knew i was a "softy" and would do nothing to hurt them or get them in trouble. instead, i took the blame of the plans to run away and get drugs. yes it was petty, wut i got caught for, but every rap i would get yelled at for something that i knew someone else was hiding in that same room that i was sitting in.
i was human, they were robot. and when they got caught... all of a sudden they were human again, and there they were asking for help on their restriction (after i had helped myself get off). and i, being a forgiving 14 year old, young and god damn stupid, said sure, ill help. indside i was crying out to people, "care about me."
After my first hospital visit, i came back, and was hoping to see the look on the staffs faces when they saw me again. thinking maybe they would forgive me of my terrible sins and care about me. no.
they sat me down in raps and i was the first to be started out with:

"so noelle, how was the visit? it went well i hope?" i looked at them confused as to why they said it calmly. i stupidly didnt hear the tone that they were using with me. i didnt understand the horrid things people would say to me from then on.
"good, actually i met alot of people. It seemed like they cared."
there was a silence in the room, in the corner i heard someone trying to hold in their laugh.
then the sick uncold words started to flow out from the mouths of, who i thought to be nice, people.
"cared? do you know really anyone who cares? i mean about you? do you have any idea what kind of crazy people go to places like that??? did you throw up there too? to get skinny for the boys? HA! you are a twig yes, ill admit that, but when you sit with the guys and flirt? they are disgusted by you!"
I sat with a hard face, trying not to cry. right then i knew thats exactly what they wanted.

When i refused to eat for a while i would not go to meals... i was put on "plate check" and was forced to eat or i would get my punishment...
*now for all you people who dont know anything about Eating disorders, this is the hardest thing for a person with it.)

I was weak going in, and i was extremely powerless and numb going out.
i have learned to fake my smiles and make everything better by keeping my mouth shut.
I get hurt everyday by people i care about, but i have learned to never tell what i really want to say.
My parents had expected me to be "fixed"
but now i am a hurt girl with intentions of revenge.



never send away something to be fixed when it was never broken in the first place

       -noelle  but couldve been someone else

8
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / All the sluts From Cedu
« on: March 27, 2005, 02:45:00 PM »
oh my god! did i just find a human being who has feelings! ... ashley i just dont understnad why the STUDENTS who got ridicouled by staff and others have to say shit to other STUDENTS who didnt do anything! I used to be thought of as the "slut" at cedu RS. Staff said it all the time in raps. i mean really... i was there from age 14 to 16... honestly thats a child who does NOT need to hear that. Im older, I can hear it and handle it.

But to the ones saying this shit:
Yeah i have no consideration for cedu and i absolutely hate everything about that huge space of constant mental abuse... but all of you who went know that the problems were either forced out of someone, true or not true, and were made to cry in front of everyone... and we were judged for the SHIT we did. you know exactly how we feel, why would you turn around and say our shit on the internet. you of ALL the damn people in this world should know we were forced to say something or we would be sitting in raps for a LONG time. We werent there to torture YOU into hearing our problems!  

Remember we had to hear yours too... someone can just as easily turn on you and pour all your fuckin shit out on the table...
so... me, ashley, and all the other fuckin girls you thought were sluts, shut the hell up because I am SO sure you are labled as something else.

noelle

9
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / All the Cedu Look goods and narcs all the kids u hated
« on: March 27, 2005, 01:04:00 AM »
i agree...fuck daniella..... but hey lay off the fuckin dirty shit... i was dirty through everything and i didnt really give a shit..but what i hated was when something was remotely wrong...(like my fuckin drawers were dirty) they would emotionally piss on my face and make my life hell... daniella was a "good girl" and got  fuckin everything.... i was yelled at for fucking nothin...that bitch lied through everything. i at least was fuckin said wut i was doin ... i would like her ass to be fucked up.. i know its harsh..but she sat there when i got ripped in raps. and she was always part of it.. always

10
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Cedu is mother fucking gone shut the fuck down
« on: March 27, 2005, 12:22:00 AM »
im sorry deborah...i guess i missunderstood ... and wut exactly r u dissapointed in?  i didnt get that part?

11
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Running Springs
« on: March 27, 2005, 12:12:00 AM »
mine has been negative ..but hey thats just me and the rest of my peer group...and the others that i knew... i am worse then when i went in... it should not be a regret to not have graduated... i graduated in june...and i am now hard as a rock and hold grudges against alot of people... cedu has only taught me to hold my dirty laundry in or else i will get laughed at. i am incredbly happy i graduated for the fact that i was strong enough to make it through a mentally abusive hell.

12
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Naming Names
« on: March 26, 2005, 11:56:00 PM »
wow...u r a sad individual... to push out peoples things like that, so wut? they did things in the past...so did u ... u probably did worse shit just in a different way. my god we have our own stuff to deal with. if that was your best friend would u post that shit on here? or if it was you? god damn dont be an idiot. yea i hate cedu...but have some common sense of respect[ This Message was edited by: lookatmenowbitch on 2005-03-26 20:56 ]

13
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / SPLITTING
« on: March 26, 2005, 11:50:00 PM »
i tried every possible way of getting out other than running...yes i admit i was scared shitless of doing that...so i got sent to places while i was there...never ascent...i dont know why they never thought of that...thank god they didnt... anyways... i went to hospitals and i went on home visits and tried everything i could to get out,...i even went to AA just to leave. i know its pathetic...but i tried.

14
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Ok...does this name of a Cedu RS HS ring a bell to any of yo
« on: March 26, 2005, 11:42:00 PM »
i went to RS cedu HS....yo wut is it?

15
CEDU / Brown Schools and derivatives / clones / Cedu is mother fucking gone shut the fuck down
« on: March 26, 2005, 11:30:00 PM »
why dont the parents have morals and take care of their own children?  hows that as a decicion? im sorry if im harsh but the parents need to take a look and see that they are part of the problem as well. deborah :

dont send something away to get "fixed" when it was never broken in the first place.

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