Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

not many people read my posts because of the fact that i dont yell and scream and my posts you must read to understand the next one, but i post them anyways just to get my thoughts and experiences out on the table:


i was once a golden curtain with softness to the touch and could be opened with a swiftness.
 I am now a unbreakable wall of steal. Those who try to penetrate its strength, shed the blood from their hands and go through battle trying to get in. They want to see inside. But what they dont and will never know is that there is a cold and unloving land that lies beyond those steal walls. And the golden curtain that had got laid behind the walls to be protected somehow got taken by someone who found a way to get in. I have made the walls stronger yet it is now protecting nothing except my hope that the golden curtain will be returned again.


I sit there watching the video to Beautiful" by christina Aguilera thinking only one thing...
why don't i seem to hear the words to what she is saying?
"you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down."
Words. That is all that can bring you down. and from my experience that is all that has brought me down.

Before i went to cedu i was at a group home in redding called 'victor youth'. I was unhappy at first ,yes, but i understood why i went there afterwards... I was helped. There I understood why i was held down. I was a very unsafe 13 year old who was unstable and couldnt keep her anger in control. I wouldn't have called it 'held down' there, because the hands that held me down loved me and told me this everyday. those hands were the hands of people who never broke me down just to see me cry, who didnt emotionally or even physically hurt me. Yes they did hold me down but only to keep me from hurting someone and did it only when necessary, and they did it so gently as if i was a baby.
After two weeks of leaving the group home, I thought I was on a cloud, hovering over the sadness I used to have. That is when i heard the news that I was leaving to go to a new school. I was confused and didnt understand what i did wrong. My mum and pops told me there was nothing wrong just that I needed a little more work to get better. I didnt get it. I was already gone for a year and a half! i mustve been dong something wrong. I was 14 by this time and it was september 2002.
The night before the morning i had to leave it was sept 4th and a beautiful night. I had just got off the phone with one of the staff at my last placement telling them that i was going to another place. they seemed worried for me, and they told me that they had heard about those places, that they werent like the group home. I told them not to worry and that i would have fun. I sat in bed thinking about everything, about my friends, about my parents. Thats when i thought about why they were sending me away. I realized i had no clue. they never really told me. oh well, i thought. maybe my life will be better there... If i had known that it would turn out like this I would have ran away the night before never having to deal with this amount of pain that i hold today.
SEPT 5th:
I got there and i did the whole deal with searching and the settling in. That night i sat and cried. On the couch I isolated myself and thought i would never see my parents again. people passed by and looked, yet kept walking. I thought i was being a baby crying like that. One girl walked by and stopped to ask what was wrong. I said i missed my parents and i didnt know why i was there. She looked at me with no sympathy in her eyes and said "you know why your here, dont play that game." she scoffed and mumbled 'stupid discovery' under her breath. I was so razzled and sad to care, so i continued to cry.

that was my first day.


thank you for reading if you did... there will be more... about more days and more history...


revenge is not a goal as much as it is a satisfaction of doing what was done to you.
                   - noelle

and for the top of my page:

The words of a human are more powerful in damage than any stick or stone that I have ever thrown.

                               - noelle

actions of a "damaged" child always come from the neglect of the careless parent.
                       
                           -noelle


ps...i want some of the people who actually read this to tell a story about a day in there life... first day or the 137th day...doesnt matter... or any in there life... ill listen...coz thats the only thing i can do.

I went to cedu from sept 2002 to june 2004. Pain I will certainly never get over and grudges on the people who have hurt me so.

I went a cold lonely sad 14 year old coked up 98 pound little girl...
I am now a cold lonely sad 17 year old drugged up with pain and grudge still in my heart, just waiting to be free and happy from the memories again, hating every single thing my parents do and taking control with them but nothing else in life, i live on my own and have no money, everyday i am called a slut at school because of nasty rumors, i am now more knowledgeable about my eating disorder and how to hide it very well, i cry every night and at random times and wish i was dead.

maybe this is all from the fact that i didnt "cope" with my pain and that i am not getting over the cedu memories.
all i know is i went in knowing nothing about anything harmful, and i came out knowing everything about the things i hide now today.  I know to never cry when someone close hurts me.
I remember in raps how i sat across the room from the screaming demon who was my "friend" but who had turned her heart cold towards me because of the fact that i had gotten caught for something that she had been involved with and most of the kids in the room had been too. they knew i would say nothing. they knew i was a "softy" and would do nothing to hurt them or get them in trouble. instead, i took the blame of the plans to run away and get drugs. yes it was petty, wut i got caught for, but every rap i would get yelled at for something that i knew someone else was hiding in that same room that i was sitting in.
i was human, they were robot. and when they got caught... all of a sudden they were human again, and there they were asking for help on their restriction (after i had helped myself get off). and i, being a forgiving 14 year old, young and god damn stupid, said sure, ill help. indside i was crying out to people, "care about me."
After my first hospital visit, i came back, and was hoping to see the look on the staffs faces when they saw me again. thinking maybe they would forgive me of my terrible sins and care about me. no.
they sat me down in raps and i was the first to be started out with:

"so noelle, how was the visit? it went well i hope?" i looked at them confused as to why they said it calmly. i stupidly didnt hear the tone that they were using with me. i didnt understand the horrid things people would say to me from then on.
"good, actually i met alot of people. It seemed like they cared."
there was a silence in the room, in the corner i heard someone trying to hold in their laugh.
then the sick uncold words started to flow out from the mouths of, who i thought to be nice, people.
"cared? do you know really anyone who cares? i mean about you? do you have any idea what kind of crazy people go to places like that??? did you throw up there too? to get skinny for the boys? HA! you are a twig yes, ill admit that, but when you sit with the guys and flirt? they are disgusted by you!"
I sat with a hard face, trying not to cry. right then i knew thats exactly what they wanted.

When i refused to eat for a while i would not go to meals... i was put on "plate check" and was forced to eat or i would get my punishment...
*now for all you people who dont know anything about Eating disorders, this is the hardest thing for a person with it.)

I was weak going in, and i was extremely powerless and numb going out.
i have learned to fake my smiles and make everything better by keeping my mouth shut.
I get hurt everyday by people i care about, but i have learned to never tell what i really want to say.
My parents had expected me to be "fixed"
but now i am a hurt girl with intentions of revenge.



never send away something to be fixed when it was never broken in the first place

       -noelle  but couldve been someone else