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Messages - Trekker Jag

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76
Open Free for All / Jerry Lee Lewis Is the King Of Rock and Roll--Fuck Elvis
« on: March 24, 2004, 04:53:00 PM »
Jerry Lee lewis is the true King Of Rock and Roll.

He shot one of his bass players onstage.

After one of his wives mysteriously drowned in his swimming pool, it took the cops three days to catalog all the drugs they found in his house.

He used to go to the gates of Graceland, armed and drunk, and would dare Elvis to "come outside and see who the real King Of Rock and Roll is".

He is a first cousin of Jimmy Swaggart.

He actually wrote a lot of his songs, unlike Elvis.

He never got fat and  never turned into a Vegas parody of himself.

He firmly believes that he is going to Hell for playing the "Devil's music", yet he is unrepentant.  You'll never hear Jerry Lee doing "How Great Thou Art".

These are just a few of the reasons Jerry Lee kicks Elvis's ass.

77
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Open Letter to Fundy Xtian Posters
« on: March 15, 2004, 11:57:00 AM »
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. Since you posted anonymously and I am unable to personally thank you I have posted this open letter to express my gratitude. I have learned a great deal from your posts, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific Bible laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.



_________________
Miller & Mel--Burn in Hell

[ This Message was edited by: Trekker Jag on 2004-03-15 09:04 ]

78
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / On The Beach
« on: March 11, 2004, 12:33:00 PM »
A loyal Straightling, a misbehaver, and a copout were all walking on the same stretch of beach one day, and each of them saw a glint of metal shining in the distance. They all ran to it and reached for it at the same time.  They brushed the sand away and a genie lamp was revealed, which a genie proceeded to exit.

"You have freed me from the lamp!" said the grateful genie.  "Normally I give the person who releases me three wishes, but I'm not sure which one of you did it, so I am going to give you all one wish each."

"what is your wish?" he asked the Straightling.

The Straightling said, " I wish to live with all the other Straightlings on Straight Island, a place of our own were we can have raps, sing Straight songs, and be Straightlings and never have to see druggies and ungrateful straight survivors again."

POOF--It happens.

To the misbehaver, the genie asked "What is your wish?"

The misbehaver replied "I want to torture Dr. Newton and all the other executive staff for 10000 years with them never dying but constantly in pain , at a Straight-like facility that is staffed by other misbehavers that has only Straight executive Staff enrolled as clients."

POOF--It happens.

The copout and the genie are left standing on the beach.  The genie asks the copout, "What is your wish?"

The copout replies, "Let me see--all the Straightlings are on an island in the middle of the ocean where I'll never see them again, and Miller, Ruthie, and all the other Straight execs are being tortured for the next ten thousand years?"

"That is correct", said the genie.

The copout smiled. "In that case, I think I'll have a beer."

 :wave:

79
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Worst album covers of all time
« on: March 01, 2004, 08:48:00 PM »
I like "Joyce".....what the hell was she thinking?

80
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Miller Newton's Funeral
« on: March 01, 2004, 08:44:00 PM »
On the day Miller Newton dies, I am going to throw a party.  I will lift a glass high as I toast that beautiful day.  Then I will go to his funeral and piss allover his grave while I smoke a joint. :smokin:

81
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / time to get sembler
« on: March 01, 2004, 07:30:00 PM »
People like Sembler make me hope there's a hell

82
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Worst album covers of all time
« on: March 01, 2004, 07:28:00 PM »
Yep, those are pretty bad.

83
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / Join me in prayer
« on: March 01, 2004, 06:58:00 PM »
Lord, I know I don't talk to you that often, but I have a favor to ask. Please, dear God, give Miller Newton testicular cancer and give Mel Sembler AIDS.  Lord, they are real shits who deserve it.  Also, please give Ruth colon cancer and Betty ebola.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

84
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / straight incorporated 81-84
« on: March 01, 2004, 02:29:00 PM »
You might be right about the rest of the family, but I gotta agree with the other dude about Todd.  He was on staff--Sr. Staff in Cincinnatti--and is guilty of abusing a lot of kids. :skull:

85
Straight, Inc. and Derivatives / I just
« on: March 01, 2004, 02:26:00 PM »
I been all over this fine country and you can get the kill weed anywhere.  Maybe it was just Cali 20 yrs ago, but there's plenty of kickass weed everywhere I've been.  Fuck the drug war.

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