Anyone Else?

[puma046]

I've been out of CEDU for almost three years but that place still haunts me. I feel like every experience I had there dampened my ability to really feel anything. Before I went, I'll admit I was caught up in some unhealthy things and that I needed to change a bit, but at least I was happy. I had real friends that I cared about and that cared about me.

Boulder Creek was always so miserable, but I always felt this hope dangling in front of me that one day I was going to be happy again, just like I had been before those escorts showed up and changed my life. But I just haven't been able to shake this incessant feeling of sadness, loneliness, almost a depressed state of mind. Three years later I'm not just sitting around idley in this shit; I'm doing pretty well by social standards, but I just haven't been able to feel truly happy again.

Is there anyone else out there who can relate? I've seen some of the nasty, insensitive posts and responses that people on here are capable of, but I'm hoping that at least someone can feel me on this. Send me a private message or something along those lines if you think you can help. I appreciate it.

[Cooked RMA until 1990]

:scared:

I was not "a kid" I went to work at RMA back in 1987 or about then.  I had to go to work as my hubby could not find enough work or a job that would pay enough wage for us to "make it"  from pay check to the next pay check.

It was the offer of the money that got me in the door and I think it was the need for a good cook that kept me there.  "Until the day that I made the mistake of standing up to someone with more power than I had."  (It was over the veggie diet, I know what you need to combined to have a balance if you are not eatting meat or dairy but they did not want to hear me.  The students who ate that diet knew when I had made the dishes but the staff just did not GET IT!)

I had just came back from a paid vacation when I was called in and told the following.

(From this point on you will not speak with the kids you will do your job and talk no-one anymore.)  Well I'm a big talker, and I in fact felt that alone was a killer, but I did as I was told for about 4 days...  Then I was told "You do not work here anymore.  Leave!!!"  When the young gal who I had just helped get her dress for her graudation made called me at home to ask why I was not there told me I was invited to her "Big DAY" I went.  I remember getting starred down by some of those "powerful folks" I held my head high it is like a dream now looking back.   As time went by students returned to Bonners and in time many found me.  It has been almost 14 years now and my own kids who so needed me for the years that I was gone working over 40 hours a week are grown.  My younger child was only 7 when I was told to leave he seems to remember more of the pain I went through then I do.  

When I worked at RMA there were only wood cook stoves, "I think Blown Away was there in the weeks before I was gone."  In time not only did the wood stoves get replace but the food changed.  

The name RMA will never have students again, but the building you remember if you were at RMA is still a school it is now called North West and Boulder Creek is still where it was.

As for the Law Suit there has not been any news here in Bonners as to how it is going.  I would hold out hope that in time everyone who got ripped off gets their needs meant.  

But most of all I hope that someday everyone who was hurt can heal.  

I Love to read the broard here, you all are great, I do wish that people who do post could take the time to log-in so I can follow better where they are coming from.

Life IS A GIFT....  

We are here in this body at this time and in this world as a gift, we are in a place of high learning, and I hope you all are going to have a very wonderful year.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I hear what you are saying and I am on my 4th year "on the outs" as my friends used to call it.

I used to feel the same, the emptyness and sadness, and I think that the knowledge of it never really goes away, only the ability to cope with the feeling gets better. What I have basically drawn from the emotional waste of repressed feelings and callused emotions I had become after BCA was that like any survivor of a traumatic event, such as war or being taken hostage, a survivors mind (i.e. you or me) has to build up these barriers in order to stay in control and to rationalize the atrocities of its current situation.

think of it this way, if you had remained a caring happy person, passionate and full of life, the staff there would tear you limb from limb until nothing of you was left for them to break down. I'm sure you know people like this. they used to call them "upper school leaders" or something like that. they left their original feelings and emotions behind and exchanged them for the bullshit they were fed by the staff.

It was purely our ability to build those emotional barriers which kept us human and in my opinion, good people. I faltered during the middle of my stay there and began to lash out at others using the desructive language and ideas that they taught me as the truth... but my mind and it seems your mind were too strong for even CEDU's evil to nestle into.

so don't think of it as CEDU directly scarring your emotions, its rather your mind having to let your emotions come back after hiding them into a place the CEDU staff could not break down. think of it as your personal strength, and its just not needed like it used to be. you have to live in the moment, feel happy when you want to, or sad, or go anywhere your mind wants to go. just dont let those emotions stay buried forever, its what the staff would have wanted.


hope any of this helps, and good luck.

Mike BCA 99-01

[blownawaytheidahoway]

I too remember being awash with emotions. Talking to people who were my own age who did not know the program was difficult at first. It wasn't until I made the realization suddenly that people CANNOT relate and it is uncomfortable for then to be made to try.
 I felt SO ALONE. For about two years I was alone in a world that I could not yet relate to. What was the purpose of this Higher Education that I received? I couldn't share but small amounts with people who were willing to hear about my philosophy on life. It was life altering for some people just hanging out with me. I did not know how to make light/idle conversation.

CEDU ed does something else. It makes you ego-centric. Even though you DO probably have more empathy than most people on the planet, the ME first mentality is duly magnified by the program itself. I was way, way too self aware to be in a high school setting again, with peers I could not relate to, with girls that were really turned off by too deep conversations too quickly. And oh, a dozen things like that.

But the lonliness and the sadness will disappear/ and shrink like an apple in the sahara, the further your thoughts from the program get. Translation: We will ALWAYS be affected in some way by this experience, and there are a few things/ tools that we know about humanity that others don't that are good, but by and large you need to incorporate what was drilled into you and separate that from what you probably always knew (namely, that you did experience something unique) and squish them together to get some semblance of your own identity.

I think I could keep writing but for now- IDENTITY!
If I had realized this a few years earlier I would have shortened the amount of time I was negatively impacted by my RMA stay. My identity (how I relate/ compare myself in the world) had been tread upon and it took years for me to take myself back into my own Soul.
So, I'm still incorporating all of my RMA time with my perspective on life. Still hammering away at my identity and slicing away judgements that were borne against true identity.

[Son Of Serbia]

On 2005-02-15 16:20:00, puma046 wrote:

"I've been out of CEDU for almost three years but that place still haunts me. I feel like every experience I had there dampened my ability to really feel anything. Before I went, I'll admit I was caught up in some unhealthy things and that I needed to change a bit, but at least I was happy. I had real friends that I cared about and that cared about me.



Boulder Creek was always so miserable, but I always felt this hope dangling in front of me that one day I was going to be happy again, just like I had been before those escorts showed up and changed my life. But I just haven't been able to shake this incessant feeling of sadness, loneliness, almost a depressed state of mind. Three years later I'm not just sitting around idley in this shit; I'm doing pretty well by social standards, but I just haven't been able to feel truly happy again.



Is there anyone else out there who can relate? I've seen some of the nasty, insensitive posts and responses that people on here are capable of, but I'm hoping that at least someone can feel me on this. Send me a private message or something along those lines if you think you can help. I appreciate it.  "

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
I've been out of Cedu for 13 years now, and I'm still pissed off about what goes on there.

They did quite a number on my head too, I had nightmares for at least a year after I got out of Cedu...but compared to other people I know, I got off pretty easy.

My advice to you is this: fill your life with other positive things, work, hobbies, relationships, school,family,friends,exercise, etc... keep your life so busy that you don't have time to stew and think about Cedu.  

Isolation and lonliness are a fact of life at Cedu,we all went through it, but you're out now. You don't have to feel this way anymore, so don't let yourself! You will have to make a concious effort to reject these horrible feelings that Cedu Instilled on you. This is hard to do at first, but it does get easier.

Another thing, don't let your own experience go to waste... share it with others, because you can still help the kids who haven't yet been hurt by Cedu.

I personally have had the privlege of talking two sets of prospective parents out of sending their kids to cedu.  It really is a great feeling to know that you've saved someone else from the pain and misery you went through.

I'm around here quite a bit, so feel free to send me a PM if you ever want to talk.