Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Seed Discussion Forum

Memories of being clean and sober

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landyh:

--- Quote ---On 2005-12-01 12:53:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Well you are right. I absolutely cannot relate to the continued obsession that some people have. And perhaps that is why I just see it as something that is so black and white - if it's bad for you then its bad for you and you just don't do it.  Period.



I did experience addication with freebase cocaine for a while back in the early 1980's, post-seed.  I saw what it did to my health, my personal realtions, my honor, and least of all my bank account.  I guess I was lucky in that I did stop.  And while I may get slammed for sounding ungrateful to some group or higher power, I just stopped. Period.  There was no back and forth on the issue, no bargaining with god, no groups, no nothing. But I did lie there shaking and sick and sleepless and I never touched it again.  I don't think that makes me any better or worse than anyone else.  I just chose not to use again because the consequences were so fucked up and I could see it was a killer.



Now?  I have way too much to lose now to ever even think about going back, let alone taking a snort or picking up a pipe. The past is the past. I am not proud of it and I had all but forgotten those few months until this time.



I've not meant to be cruel in my statement, but sometimes it seems that the seedlings who go on to AA or other step-type programs really do wear that as some kind of badge of honor - like unless I have lost like you guys I can't possibly understand how complicated your feelings and thoughts are or how important they are. Maybe tht's not the intent of what you or others put out there, but honestly, that's what I perceive.  Somehow, my thoughts and feelings are less valid becasue I don't subscribe to your belief system.  Funny, isn't it that we both make each other feel that way. What is it about us that causes that?



I went to the seed, I smoked pot maybe a half dozen times before my parents got brainwashed and put me in there and I did a hell of a lot more drugs post-seed than I care to remember. But I still managed to walk away because I paid attention to the results.  



What I can't understand is why there would be any question in any persons mind about whether or not he or she could do that again (you drink -me smoke freebase cocaine (is that now crack?)).



Is there a question in your mind that maybe you can drink?  Is there some kind of "want" to do it even with knowledge that you never should because of the results?   Look at what Walter wrote about his sister and the drama.  Is that what it is?    



For me? It's just not an option.  I have have no desire to. Alcohol might be pervasive but like coke, you still gotta make an effort to search it out. And while one is searching, there's time to change your mind.



You also wrote this:

It isn't explainable or understandable in any truly scientific way but through experience. If you haven?t had that experience I am glad for you but don't try to boil down my feelings and my own experience which I have expressed unreservedly and un-anonymously here to some narrow viewpoint that fits the way you think things are. Instead of being attacked by you for what doesn't fit into perception of things why don't you share your own experience?





Sooo...First of all, what difference does it make if I chose to remain anonymous ? I have replied back and put myself out, too.



While you may have perceived my initial post as an attack, I look at your collective stated experiences (and I've been reading here on this  board for well over a year), and then I read what JaLong writes back which I will leave you to review again-then I think on my experience and I wonder why you guys feel the need to get so "strokey" and pet each other for living and getting through life. Isn't that what we should be doing anyway?   Hell, we all live life.  We experience happiness, sorrow, loss, and goodness - everything. It's the human condition.  The sun is still the same and so is the grass, birds and the flowers. Forgive me, but I think it's just a matter of whether you pay attention to what's there.  



If the stove is hot - don't touch it.  It's the lesson I was taught, it's the lesson I taught my kid. I guess I am just that simplisitic. Anyway, that's my experience with addiction. It didn't take much to turn me off of it entirely. "

--- End quote ---

I was in your shoes and I was not ignorant in any way as to the damage I was doing and perhaps that I was so aware of what I was doing made it that much worse, because in spite of all my self knowlege I couldn't stop. I would have given anything to stop but it took me awhile to find a way to do that. I accept that it is black and white for you based on your experience but I for one realize that my own experience was not that simple. All I was asking is for you to realize that the differences in our experiences fail to diminsih the validity of either. Can you see that. I don't in any way devalue your story just because things just didn't work that way for me. I just would appreciate at least the same consideration. I don't mean that to sound harsh either as your last post and the way you shared is something that reaches me. While I believe there are truths that are common to us all those truths lie at a deeper level than the things that happen to us. Those things can be quite different from person to person. You and I are different in our experience with addiction but do you really think any of us went to AA because we wanted to belong to some group? It was my refuge of last resort and I nearly killed myself trying to avoid the fact that it was what this alcoholic needed. Do I still consider drinking? Yes sometimes or a better way to say it would be to say that I sometimes wish I could drink normally and in moderation. On the other hand I am no longer the victim of an obsession to drink and believe me there is an enormous difference.
I hate to say this but "thanks for sharing"

Anonymous:
Okay.  I wish you the best.  Thanks for your insight.

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