Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Seed Discussion Forum
Vodka thoughts
Anonymous:
To address the issue of how I handled life after the Seed is where things get a little tangled. Speaking in the present tense I have anger. Anger at myself at the world and how difficult things have been. I have always taken pride in my resilience and fortitude and in my ability to move forward under much adversity. Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult for me when to other people they seem simple, just falling naturally into place.
I try to live a simple life without complications, yet the things I work and plan so hard for seem so elusive. I have no more tears to cry at this point and must admit on many occasions I have fought the urge of putting a gun to my head. On the outside I can look very happy and jovial but people who really know me, can see my mood swings and try hard to get out of me the thing that is tearing me so deep inside of my persona. I cannot explain things I cannot understand or put my finger on. I can only describe it as some deeply entrenched frustration stemming from my inability to move forward with my life. This frustration is all encompassing from my failed relationships, businesses but above all from failure to really leave a mark in this world. There is no sadder thought to me than the thought of not being remembered as if one had never had existed.
One thing the Seed really taught me is to think of the people around you and your affect on them. I certainly do not want to bring pain on anyone and only want to help where I can. I do not want to allow this melancholy to get the best of me allowing my dark side to once again lurk it?s ugly head. Maybe tonight in the privacy of my space and all alone I will allow some tears to flow out, but as always, being careful to only revel the pain to myself. I can?t help to hear the words from some old distant memory from the Seed to get out of my head and quit feeling sorry for myself but, I think tonight I will give myself the luxury of letting out some of my pain to others in the name of bringing some depth to this forum and to better define the struggles all of us have had to bear with our transition to life outside the Seed.
I do believe there is a reason for this life, primarily to develop our soul in; understanding compassion, empathy and to be able to give truly and freely of my love. Could this be the to true happiness? We are suppose to give and expect nothing in return but when we feel we have received nothing in return I only feel used and unappreciated.
I can only hold on to the hope that during this life I will find a place or someone who will see more in me than just another face or stranger on the street.
Maybe by posting here I can find a new direction that will alleviate some of the pain and frustration that wallows deep inside of me,
I only post these thoughts hear because I feel here is the only group of people who are capable of understanding this type of inner pain due to the fact we all share the same past and background. I have had one hell of time trying to blend in with a so-called normal world and I have given up in trying to explain my experience of the Seed to outsiders.
As I sift through what I have seen and learned I find myself trying to develop my own homespun philosophy which will not only carry me through my life but also bring some true happiness and joy.
Anonymous:
--- Quote ---
On 2004-11-17 16:05:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
To address the issue of how I handled life after the Seed is where things get a little tangled. Speaking in the present tense I have anger. Anger at myself at the world and how difficult things have been. I have always taken pride in my resilience and fortitude and in my ability to move forward under much adversity. Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult for me when to other people they seem simple, just falling naturally into place.
I was just writting about this subject earlier today- If the seed had really truly worked it would of provided us with the skills to transistion into the outside world. I remember feeling like I was from another planet moving at an entire different pace from everyone else when i left. We had been sexually and emotionally segregated so we had in reality no ability to interact in a 'healthy' manner with the opposite sex, things didn't fall into place naturally for me I had some extreme speed bumps-train wrecks of sorts painful embarrassing forays into the 'real' world, It took me quite a while to feel comfortable in my own skin.
One thing the Seed really taught me is to think of the people around you and your affect on them. I certainly do not want to bring pain on anyone and only want to help where I can. I do not want to allow this melancholy to get the best of me allowing my dark side to once again lurk it?s ugly head. Maybe tonight in the privacy of my space and all alone I will allow some tears to flow out, but as always, being careful to only revel the pain to myself. I can?t help to hear the words from some old distant memory from the Seed to get out of my head and quit feeling sorry for myself but, I think tonight I will give myself the luxury of letting out some of my pain to others in the name of bringing some depth to this forum and to better define the struggles all of us have had to bear with our transition to life outside the Seed.
Your post is one of the most honest i have ever read here, thank you. I think you will find that you are not alone and that for many of us the seed remains a 'sketchy subject' this site and everyones honesty has made the past become clearer and my future seem much more relevant than my past-
I do believe there is a reason for this life, primarily to develop our soul in; understanding compassion, empathy and to be able to give truly and freely of my love. Could this be the to true happiness?
simple and zen -but i hope so
I only post these thoughts hear because I feel here is the only group of people who are capable of understanding this type of inner pain due to the fact we all share the same past and background. I have had one hell of time trying to blend in with a so-called normal world and I have given up in trying to explain my experience of the Seed to outsiders.
keep posting and you may find you can 'process' lot of the obstacles that remain for those of us who went thru the same 're-entry'
peace and be-well :smile:
--- End quote ---
Anonymous:
On 2004-11-17 16:05:00, Anonymous wrote:
______________________________________________
To address the issue of how I handled life after the Seed is where things get a little tangled. Speaking in the present tense I have anger. Anger at myself at the world and how difficult things have been. I have always taken pride in my resilience and fortitude and in my ability to move forward under much adversity. Sometimes I wonder why things are so difficult for me when to other people they seem simple, just falling naturally into place.
__________________________________________
I was just writting about this subject earlier today- If the seed had really truly worked it would of provided us with the skills to transistion into the outside world. I remember feeling like I was from another planet moving at an entire different pace from everyone else when i left. We had been sexually and emotionally segregated so we had in reality no ability to interact in a 'healthy' manner with the opposite sex, things didn't fall into place naturally for me I had some extreme speed bumps-train wrecks of sorts painful embarrassing forays into the 'real' world, It took me quite a while to feel comfortable in my own skin.
___________________________________________
One thing the Seed really taught me is to think of the people around you and your affect on them. I certainly do not want to bring pain on anyone and only want to help where I can. I do not want to allow this melancholy to get the best of me allowing my dark side to once again lurk it?s ugly head. Maybe tonight in the privacy of my space and all alone I will allow some tears to flow out, but as always, being careful to only revel the pain to myself. I can?t help to hear the words from some old distant memory from the Seed to get out of my head and quit feeling sorry for myself but, I think tonight I will give myself the luxury of letting out some of my pain to others in the name of bringing some depth to this forum and to better define the struggles all of us have had to bear with our transition to life outside the Seed.
___________________________________________
Your post is one of the most honest i have ever read here, thank you. I think you will find that you are not alone and that for many of us the seed remains a 'sketchy subject' this site and everyones honesty has made the past become clearer and my future seem much more relevant than my past-
__________________________________________
I do believe there is a reason for this life, primarily to develop our soul in; understanding compassion, empathy and to be able to give truly and freely of my love. Could this be the to true happiness?
__________________________________________
simple and zen -but i hope so
__________________________________________
I only post these thoughts hear because I feel here is the only group of people who are capable of understanding this type of inner pain due to the fact we all share the same past and background. I have had one hell of time trying to blend in with a so-called normal world and I have given up in trying to explain my experience of the Seed to outsiders.
___________________________________________
keep posting and you may find you can 'process' lot of the obstacles that remain for those of us who went thru the same 're-entry'
peace and be-well :smile: "
sorry I do not know how to use te 'quote' system.....
cleveland:
Oh, I do feel the depth of your pain and I have been there. I don't think we can ever know what mark we have made in life - I sometimes comfort myself with the thought that a smile to a stranger can mean more than power, fame or money. Today celebrity is yesterday's news but an act of kindness can resonate forever. You are doing so much just by adding to the knowledge on this site. I wish I could convey to you that you truly are not alone.
Take care,
Anonymous:
Thank you for the kind posts
After some soul searching carrying on until this morning I was able let out some emotion that I needed to get out. Wally I remember you very well while you were at the Seed and I always thought the World of you. I see and feel you still are the kind soul that lives so itched in my memory and in my heart.
I believe to grow in knowledge is the biggest thing we can do for ourselves. Maybe there is a God after-all.
Thanks for this post and forum
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