It's been a while since I've posted, I got tired of seeing my name all over this board and thought I'd give it a break. But now I'm ready - I've been thinking about what my thinking was like before, during and after the Seed experience.
Before the Seed, I was very concerned about myself, I thought maybe I was going crazy. I'd get high with my friends and just get paranoid; I'd drink and feel better, but only for a while and only before a hangover sunk in; I desparately wanted to be tough, to be cool, to be well-thought of by my peers, and especially by the opposite sex; I was angry at my parents, I hated myself, I was feeling estranged from my friends. I would spend time daydreaming about a perfect world, where I would feel free of all of this - maybe a 60s-style commune, or a never-ending roadtrip, or living in some small town. My only real escape was books - I read all the time, which gave me the reputation for being smart. However, my chaotic family life meant that I had very little self-discipline, and in fact, could barely spell, do any math besides the basics, and was ill-equipped for college or work. And it was after my first year of college that I came upon the Seed...
I entered the Seed, and felt that it was a parallel universe - being cool was a bad thing, being happy was OK, I was to be totally honest, I had been a 'Druggie' before but now I was going to be straight, which was going to be the greatest thing in the world, and then I'd be like Art or one of the guys who'd been around for a while.
OK - I had my doubts. A lot of it seemed like doublespeak to me, I mistrusted authority and hierarchy, and not everyone was funny and smart at the Seed -
BUT - I was told - what did I ever do on my own? All I had done was make myself unhappy. And I was afraid of what had happened to members of my family - alcoholics - and some high school classmates - suicide or 0D - that what I was told at the Seed resonated with me. And people told me that they loved me - I was SO SO hungry for attention.
..and so I graduated, and got a job, and stayed on...one year to the next...still a Seedling...
...waiting to truly feel happy...waiting to accept myself...waiting to feel secure...
I tried so hard to 'be straight' - which meant, to me, honesty - absolute - and selflessness, hardwork, always having a 'great' attitude, and doing the right thing, which meant, listening to staff - sometimes instead of my own heart. And not reading books, thinking 'non-seed' thoughts, and not talking with - or trusting - non-seed people!
Then - doubts crept in. I realized that there was a certain amount of selfishness, competition, pettiness at the Seed - after all, we were a group of young adults, 18 - 35 years old, some better-looking, some smarter, some nicer, and we were living in this fish-bowl environment - and NO SEX. We worked at jobs staff approved of, studied things at schools staff approved, played games or sports together STAFF approved of - there was no freedom to develop an independent identity, unless you 'split' which was a terrible thing to do...and when someone did, they simply weren't ever spoken of again, except in hushed tones.
By the time I left the Seed, I was physically ill from the stress of trying to be perfect all the time - whenever I was at the Seed, or around staff, or Art, or representing the Seed at work, I had butterflies in my stomach, my hands shook, I felt sick - and yet I would have this stupid, perfect-seedling smile plastered on my face (for some reason, this was called a 'shit-eating grin' - how appropriate). NOW, the flip side of this IS THAT I PROBABLY HAD SOME OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE. I know some of you won't believe this. But for those of us who hung around the Seed for some time, it was like a never-ending slumber party, or summer camp - I mean we'd LAUGH our asses off. We knew each other so well, and of course, we'd revealed a lot of embarrasing info about ourselves in raps, so - no where to hide, baby. And we lived in houses with 4, 5 or 6 of us together, and we'd stay up late, laughing, telling jokes, whatever. Some of us worked together, too, and then we'd go into the seed, catch a rap, and then home and on and on...
Oh, it was far from ideal. The no freedom part sucked, of course, and having to clear everything with an ever-shifting heirarchy ('cause sometimes a very senior oldcomer or even staff, would 'fuck up' and lose stature, maybe even 'start over' on the front row - and usually we'd never even find out why this happened, at least if you were scrupulous about the 'no talking behind another's back' rule), the non-dating policy for most of us (only a few were given permission in the seven years I was there), and plus - as some people got more stature and status at the Seed - doing things like getting good-paying jobs, or being allowed to go to college, or becoming a staff or junior staff person - it would be hard to maintain a friendship. They'd be out of your league, maybe, or perhaps you'd advance, and they wouldn't, and it would be kind of embarrasing to hang out with them - oh how petty.
And none of the above, to my mind, had anything to do with what I thought being straight was supposed to be - being honest, being selfless, being a friend and, you know, changing the world and all - so, after a while, I left too. And no one there ever knew why, they weren't supposed to talk about it, and I am unlikely to ever see any of them again - although, who knows...
As to my psychology now - oh, the world is not so black and white. I am so so much less inclined to worry about being perfect, about status, and maybe this is just the maturity of getting older, and being happier. But I in no way have that fundamentalist mind-set the seed encouraged!
Whether I had learned good things from the Seed - I don't know - I learned how to work hard, I learned how to 'change my attitude' and I learned to be unafraid to commit myself to something.
ONe thing for sure...I didn't need the Seed. I needed a strong, healthy family - and that I didn't have. The Seed was a temporary substitute, but it papered over it's own weaknesses and inconsistancies - you couldn't question it.
Where else did the Seed go wrong? Well, no one was willing to let us go, to really give us freedom. We shoulod have been given tools to live better lives, and set free...Instead, it was a party that went on too long, or an old-fashioned dad who can't let his kids go...because after all, he's lonely...anyway, that, and the black and white 'fundamentalist' thinking of the Seed, ruined it for me and brought it down in the end. And it spawned horrors like Straight, to boot!
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Wally Gator[ This Message was edited by: cleveland on 2004-10-08 13:30 ][ This Message was edited by: cleveland on 2004-10-08 13:33 ]
