My 16 year old daughter's first love

[Anonymous]

My 16 year old daughter started dating a 16 yr old boy at her school about a year ago. Over last summer, he became fairly heavily involved in substance abuse. We also had concerns about our daughter. Her grades were falling, she was defiant, she displayed all the signs of having a subtance abuse problem herself. One day in the Fall, he told my daughter that he had to go to a doctor's appointment with his mother, and would see her the next day, but instead, he ended up in a wilderness camp and has not been seen since. He's now in a school in Oakley, Utah.

My daughter was distraught when he left (her first love) and was not allowed any contact with him even by letter. I thought long and hard about what was best for her, and decided to watch her like a hawk, rather than send her away or into any program. In the intervening months, she has completely changed her group of friends (who are not into drugs) and her grades have improved. She's working hard and I have no reason not to believe what she told me, which was that she was trying to get him off substance abuse and that she never did the drugs herself. I'm proud of her.

However, she has never stopped loving this boy and lives for the day he will be allowed home. Even after 6 months, he is all she thinks about. Now, in the last week or so, he has (apparently) been given privileges to communicate with her. She has received 2 phone calls and a letter.

In the letter he describes how he wished he had listened to my daughter, but he didn't and now he has lost her, and that all he dreams about is seeing her. He says that the only reason he is behaving at school is so he can get a visit home to see my daughter.

Question: Should I tell his mother this?

My husband says that this boy has not changed and that if they allow him home for a visit, he will fall back into substance abuse or run away, so he doesn't have to go back to Oakley.

Question: If the boy wanted to run away, couldn't he do that anyway from Oakley? What is Oakley like?

Question: Is my daughter at risk if I allow her to see this boy again on his return visits? And what kind of emotional damage would it do to her if I tried to prevent it?

[Anonymous]

You have no reason not to believe that your daughter was using drugs?  Did you have her tested?  What about the defiance and dropping grades?  

He is all she thinks about?  That is NOT healthy and giving her even a single thread of hope that she will see him again may keep her from taking care of herself and finding an inner strength that she doesn't NEED this guy in her life.  

It doesn't sound like she needs a residential program, but it does sound like it's time she get honest with herself about what she is willing to accept into her life.  Keeping friends that are not involved with drugs is a good start, but what else could give her a way to move past this obsession?  

First loves won't be forgotten.  Ask her what she learned from this relationship. No one can find healthier relationships but her.  She has to want to decide to take what she learned and either repeat it or find other ways to be in love.

BTW - even A students, star athletes can be self-destructive and if they don't want us parents to know about it, they can hide it for a while and look very good in the process.

Have her drug tested.  Watch her eating habits, monitor her phone calls.  Sounds hard?  It may give you more peace than you realize to know what is happening, either good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Geez, WWASP people, weren't you ever teenagers yourselves?  Didn't you ever obsess about a boy?  Constantly?  Did you get over it?

Or did you need your parents to drug test you and try to coerce you into dropping him?

Do you think that would have made you any less into him?  You might not like the idea, but you ACTUALLY CANNOT CONTROL WHAT YOUR CHILDREN THINK OR WHO THEY LOVE.

I bet you never drank, never stayed out late, never mouthed off to your parents.  Give me a break!

This girl sounds like a NORMAL TEENAGE GIRL AND MOM SOUNDS LIKE SHE HAS A CLUE.

Leave her be.  Don't tell his mom.  Let her see him.  You're not going to be able to keep her away from "innapropriate partners" forever unless you are going to lock her in the basement for the rest of her life, and the only way she's going to learn
about relationships is to have them in all their screwed-up glory.

You got over your first love.  Your parents, I would bet, didn't have any say in it or if they tried to, you did the opposite.  Let her be.

People cannot learn without making mistakes and people cannot take responsibility for their actions unless you let them take their own actions.

And what if your daughter was smoking pot and it wasn't interfering with her grades or the rest of her life?  Then, you could find out about it by testing, put her in treatment, convince her she had a problem (even though the defition of a drug problem is use that has negative consequences)and surround her with peers who DO TAKE DRUGS AND CAN TELL HER WHERE TO GET MORE, HARDER DRUGS AND HOW TO HIDE THEIR USE.

You don't put someone in treatment who is not having a problem.  50% of American teens smoke pot and 80% drink.  They do not all need treatment.

Putting kids without drug problems in with those who have drug problems and trying to get them to admit they have problems only convinces them that they have problems.  Then, if they do use again (and they are told they have a 99% chance of relapse), they will believe they can't control themselves, even if they actually can.

This is not helping, it's hurting.

it's often said in medical school, don't just do something, stand there!  this is wise advice for parents as well because they never stop to think that some of these "treatments" do more harm than good.

that's not to say that people with serious problmes don't sometimes need help.  but if there is no problem, shit, there's no problem, why make one?

[Anonymous]

http://groups.msn.com/WhispersofAbuseSa ... abuse.msnw

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the feedback. I find the first two responses very useful, not quite sure about the third.

What's interesting is that both responses agree that residentail treatment for my daughter is not appropriate. It's reassuring to think I'm at least on the right path.

Also let me say that I'm not so naive as to think that my daughter has not experimented with substance abuse, with or without this boy, even though she denies it. In some ways I think that experimentation is a right of passage. Even though that thought makes me chill, I remind myself that experimentation is not the same thing as getting a habit and not to overreact.

I did have her tested a while ago and she was negative. She begged me last week to repeat the test to prove to me she was not lying this time either. That was enough to convince me without doing another test. I would test her again in a heartbeat if I ever have more doubts.

For me, the second response puts things in perspective. Let's face, there are A LOT OF DRUGS OUT THERE, so it's almost inconceivabkle that even the perfect child would not know a user by the time they reach High School, and probably by age 10. To me, that means my daughter has survived 6 years of peer pressure already, and already made her choices, fo better or worse. If the worst she has done is associate with an abuser and try to get him off it, it would be wrong of me to treat her as the abuser herself. Better to leave her alone and do nothing on the basis that she seems to know what she's doing.

Having said that, where I think the first reesponse has got it right, is pointing out to me that my daughter does not need this boy in her life, at least there's very little that I can can see that he is doing for her, rather than the other way round. That's something I really need to ask her to think about, so thank you for that suggestion.

And for the record, I watch her very closely indeed. She used to come in the house, shout hi and go straight upstairs to her room. No more. Now I make sure we haveat least a few minutes of conversation when she comes in, about what she's been doing and more important, she gets a hug. This not only helps the bonding, but gives me an opportunity to look her straight in the eye, judge whether she is on any kind of mind altering substance, and also to smell anything significant - strong mints - alcohol - whatever. I'm also checking her room more thoroughly than I ever used to do. So far - nothing sends up a flag.

Why someone would point me to a self mutilation website is beyond me. Although I can accept that a person with low self esteem gets a certain amount of payback from playing the victim (oh look at me, poor me, be nice to me blah, blah), that's a far cry from where my daughter is today.

Finally, thank you to whoever said she sounds like a normal teenager and that Mom has a Clue. I'll hold that thought until she's mature enough for me to ask her whether you were right, then let you know ( don't hold your breath...:smile:.

[Janet]

Mom, your daughter may just take one look at her "first love" and think, "What did I ever see in him?"  Happens all the time to 16 year olds.  Remember when you were 16?  But your daughter needs to make this decision.  

I am an old woman with 3 adult adopted children.  All of them have found birth relatives.  My daughter was the last one to find her birth parents, and they are a real set of doozies!  Both of them have been through a few marriages, (or sort of marriages), and now, that they have been reunited by the daughter they gave away, they are ready to drop their present spouses, and marry each other!  The point of this  is that my daughter's birth grandparents should  have let those two get disgusted with each other while they were young.  Then hopefully they would have learned from their mistakes and would have chosen better mates!  If they didn't learn from that mistake, they probably never would.  You cannot live and control your child's life.  And no matter what kind of parent you are, your child is going to be what he or she wants to be.  Just hope your child will be happy, content, and reasonably secure.

[Anonymous]

I think the link to the "cutting" was just a heads up.  This is one way kids can be secretive when they are depressed.

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with you people? The "defiance issue"?

I'm sorry, teenagers are defiant. They rebel. They always have, and always will. That's something you need to accept. It's their way of weaning. The fact that you would even consider sending your daughter to one of these horrible places speaks volumes about you and WHY your daughter would behave "that way."

[Therion]

Your daughter sounds like a normal, wonderful teenager.
Drug use and teen rebellion are not one and the same.
Teengaers are learning to think for themselves..developing their own beliefs.

You can guide them, but forcing them to do things your way will only alienate them and force them away from you.

Try to just be her friend and offer suggestions..you will get alot further..kids that are friends with their parents are alot less likely to turn to drug use.

Kids that were constantly overpowered by Mom and Dad, and thus see Mom and Dad as enemy...are going to turn out alot worse..

Trust me, I know..

Let her love the boy...and see him..she may be the only good thing in his life. She sounds like shes smart enough to make good decisions on her own. If she wants to see him she will do it behind your back, you cannot stop someone who thinks they are in love....

[kaydeejaded]

I know Therion I was just horrified when I read this thread.

Why would you want to be so manipulative and controlling in your childs life.

And of course that poor boy is thinking only of her he is being tortured in a wilderness program, and you are about to sabotage his progress to meet your own adgenda.

I am sad, for your children for that boy it is a shame.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Necessity never made a good bargain
--Benjamin Franklin Apr. 1734

[ehm]

On 2004-01-24 10:11:00, Anonymous wrote:

"You have no reason not to believe that your daughter was using drugs?  Did you have her tested?  What about the defiance and dropping grades?  



He is all she thinks about?  That is NOT healthy and giving her even a single thread of hope that she will see him again may keep her from taking care of herself and finding an inner strength that she doesn't NEED this guy in her life.  



It doesn't sound like she needs a residential program, but it does sound like it's time she get honest with herself about what she is willing to accept into her life.  Keeping friends that are not involved with drugs is a good start, but what else could give her a way to move past this obsession?  



First loves won't be forgotten.  Ask her what she learned from this relationship. No one can find healthier relationships but her.  She has to want to decide to take what she learned and either repeat it or find other ways to be in love.



BTW - even A students, star athletes can be self-destructive and if they don't want us parents to know about it, they can hide it for a while and look very good in the process.



Have her drug tested.  Watch her eating habits, monitor her phone calls.  Sounds hard?  It may give you more peace than you realize to know what is happening, either good or bad.  "

FUCK OFF.

Is uniformity [of opinion] attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites.
http://laissezfairebooks.com/product.cfm?op=view&pid=FF7485&aid=10247' target='_new'>Thomas Jefferson

[Cayo Hueso]

PM me.....I have two girls, 18 and 16.  Went through a very similar situation with the older one.  I'll be glad to talk with you about it.  My oldest is doing great now, studying to be a nurse....but it was shaky for a while.  She's getting ready to move out on her own and I'm biting my nails.  MOst of what you described sounds like normal teenage behavior to me.  I look at this as it's my job to GUIDE her through it, not hold her under my thumb, even if I think it would be for her own good.  I never learned anything that way.  I know this is a very scary time for you, but hang in there......the vast majority come through fine.

Perhaps the sentiments contained in the following
pages, are not yet sufficiently fashionable to procure them
general favor; a long habit of not thinking a thing wrong,
gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises
at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom.  But the
tumult soon subsides.  Time makes more converts than reason.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0679433147/circlofmiamithem' target='_new'>Thomas Paine, Common Sense

[Therion]

Hi...try to love your daughter rather than push her away...
 Shes only going to grow to hate you, then her troubles will really be bad.
 Dont be a parental failure...Try an open mind before you lose your daughter forever.

Just so you can come back if you choose not to listen Ill leave this

  I TOLD YOU SO !!!!!!

[Therion]

On 2004-01-26 06:05:00, kaydeejaded wrote:

"I know Therion I was just horrified when I read this thread.



Why would you want to be so manipulative and controlling in your childs life.



And of course that poor boy is thinking only of her he is being tortured in a wilderness program, and you are about to sabotage his progress to meet your own adgenda.



I am sad, for your children for that boy it is a shame.



The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Necessity never made a good bargain
--Benjamin Franklin Apr. 1734

"

I agree K.. What is it that makes some parents so blind and...just ignorant. Jees!
Come on guys this stuff is not that hard.
Parent, do you not have a heart?
Can you not follow your heart and make a decision
without coming on the Web and tying to find which "program" to send your child ...so that they can raise your kids for you?! And you think this boy is troubled..
 You people are blind...you dont deserve children you fools! I wouldnt let you adopt my dog...

[Therion]

Now go take another Xanax and scream at your daughter...or rummage through her room...or listen to her phone calls....IDIOTS!


Hmm Ill just disregard my daughters right to privacy and force my beliefs on her..Ill decide whom she loves, and how she dresses..and oh its not working I better have her put into a wilderness camp!

 Dont you see ythe flaws in that??!!!

[ This Message was edited by: Therion on 2004-01-26 19:15 ]