Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Troubled Teen Industry
Looking for school advice
Anonymous:
--- Quote ---On 2003-10-02 19:36:00, Anonymous wrote:
"Kezzy---The problem with residential treatment programs for troubled teens is the same problem with finding a good Multi-Level Marketing program to invest in or work for: It *may* be possible to build a MLM program that's not a scam, it *may* be possible to run a "troubled teen" school that's not a scam, but when you get into a game where it's common and easy for con men to scam your money and only provide the superficial appearance of "help" and "improvement" to your teen---while ultimately leaving her worse---then chances are you're going to get scammed if you play their game *at all*.
The *first* thing you need to do is *you* and your wife go into family therapy with a *good* therapist who isn't just interested in telling you what you want to hear. Deal with your own problems---because anything in your daughter's behavior that's coming from some of *your* problems that are crazy-making for your daughter will not be fixed by lesser measures.
I don't always agree with Dr. Laura on everything, but she has some good advice on getting control of a troubled teen. Strip her room. Put all her clothes and stuff in a U-Store-It facility. Get her some cheap white T-shirts, cheapo jeans, cheap sneakers, plain white sheets, plain blankets, feed her plenty of nutritious but boring food.
You are legally required to provide a roof, adequate food, adequate clothing---take her down to the legal minimum and make her earn the rest back. But make it reasonable and *possible* for her to earn the rest back.
The difference between *you* doing that and some "program" doing that is that *you* will not, of course, deprive your child of adequate nutritious (even if boring) food, or needed medical care, or appropriate education----and a "program" very well might. Plenty of programs *have*.
If she gets violent with the family, call the police and press charges. Juvie is less damaging than many of these scam troubled teen schools---the cons are so good at conning, you aren't going to be able to tell the difference between a good school and a bad con.
Now, if your daughter has a major mental illness, like major depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, which is making her violent, then she may need inpatient treatment for a limited time---but in a *real* mental hospital, not a restrictive boarding school full of underqualified pseudo shrinks.
If your daughter flunks repeated drug tests for a physically addictive drug or cocaine, or is an alcoholic, she may need inpatient treatment for a limited time---but in a *real* 12 step drug addiction program, not a restrictive boarding school full of underqualified pseudo shrinks.
If your daughter is not mentally ill or actually addicted, and is criminally violent at home anyway, then she is, sadly enough, better off in the juvenile criminal justice system---not a restrictive boarding school full of underqualified pseudo shrinks.
If she's not got a major mental illness, an actual drug addiction, and isn't committing actual criminal acts (not just status offenses), then residential treatment is a copout and an abdication of your responsibility to your child.
Nobody said teenagers were supposed to be fun to live with. Get your own psychological quirks in order, apply discipline by restricting her privileges, do your best to find a therapist she can form a rapport with, and if she's still a pill at eighteen, kick her out and let her learn from the school of hard knocks---it'll do her less harm in the long run than a bad scam program would.
Sure, programs will promise you phenomenal success rates----Too good to be true success rates---which is the best touchstone for a con-game known to mankind: "If it sounds too good to be true---it is."
Quit looking for "too good to be true" answers and cope. If it was easy, they wouldn't need you.
Not what you want to hear.
So? You're a grown up. Deal."
--- End quote ---
Well said, anon. Family Therapy is definitly in order and would help to prevent this girl from becoming the SCAPEGOAT like so many other kids who end up in these programs because their parents can't as you say "deal".
:tup:
kezzy123:
I must have been posting while Anon was also posting about stripping her room. I had actually considered something similar. My thought was to actually back off and treat her as if she was a renter in our house with some exceptions due to the law. My thought was to tell her that her moother and I will no longer nag at her about her school work. If she fails, she attends summer school or gets held back. She's old enough to know what she needs to do and do it. We will provide what the law requires an nothing more. We will buy her clothes when absolutely necessary but they won't be coming from Abercrombie, Foot Locker, etc. Kmart will do. We will provide her with nutricious food but she is old enough to cook it herself. Her clothes will be clean only if she does her own laundry. The law does not require that she does chores nor does it require that we give her money for movies and the like. If she wants money, then she can do jobs around the house for minimum wage. If she wants a ride somewhere then she will pay us 35 cents per mile. We are not required to provide her with internet access but she can have it as long as she pays part of the bill. The list can go on and on. She will have the freedom she wants as long as it does not disrupt the household and as long as she does not break any laws. There will of course still be some rules like curfew. Thoughts? My wife thinks this is ridiculous.
Anonymous:
Kezzy---The problem here is *NOT* your daughter.
The problem is that you and your wife are in total disagreement on parenting styles and aren't listening to each other and coming to a truly mutual agreement and backing each other up.
No kid is going to be a good, stable, well disciplined kid in that environment unless she's a one in one hundred natural saint.
You may *believe* you're coming to a mutual agreement---but obviously you're not----you may hammer at the idea until your wife shuts up and gives in, but she gets you back and gets her way back by refusing to enforce the parts of your discipline she just doesn't agree with.
This is not a daughter problem.
This is a crazy-making parents screwy marriage problem.
You need to go to counseling and learn how to communicate with your wife so that if she doesn't agree with you you *hear* her and negotiate until the two of you genuinely reach a compromise you both can live with, instead of her saying what she needs to say to get you off her back and then doing what *she* thinks is right for you guys' daughter.
Quit blaming your daughter. The problem is in your marriage and is between you and your wife.
Sending your daughter away somewhere isn't going to fix it, because when she comes home she'll *still* be living in the crazy, inconsistent environment that is your marriage.
I notice that you are convinced that you are right and your wife is wrong. That *may* be so. More likely, you are at least *partly* wrong about *something*---so even if your wife won't go to counseling, *you* go.
In counseling, you can find out which bits *you* are wrong about, quit doing them, and at least make your kid's environment that tiny bit more sane---which is likely to pay dividends in the kid's behavior.
I tend to suspect you the Dad have a problem, because usually it's a teen son that twists Mommy around the finger, and a teen daughter that twists Daddy around the finger. Teenage years are typically a time of great friction between same sex parent and teen. If your wife is championing your daughter like you say she is, then chances are you getting counseling and fixing your problems may improve your homelife a lot----even if your wife and daughter don't get counseling for their problems, without your problems in the mix, your life will improve.
Go see a good family therapist and work on your own problems, including your marriage, before you consider residential placement of the daughter.
kezzy123:
One last thing I'd like to see if anyone has had any experience with. It is a school that my daughter's school counselor told me about last year. The state has a residential boarding school that is part of the state school system. A wilderness program is also incorporated into it. Being part of the schoo system means that everyone that works there is certified in their fields (counselors, teachers, etc) and it is state regulated. I plan to visit it soon.
Anonymous:
It looks great on paper - good for you if you are committed to enforcing this. But if either one of you is co-dependent or an enabler it won't work. She'll push you, but you are the parent, not her friend. She chose to lose her priviledges by her actions. Good luck to you both.
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