Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Troubled Teen Industry
Looking for school advice
FaceKhan:
Perhaps you should try to find a therapist she likes. They are not one-size fits all like these programs are.
A key rule in mental health is to provide treatment in the least invasive way possible that means you don't force someone into residential treatment unless they represent an imminent danger to themselves or others.
It sounds like your daughter is just really unhappy and sending her away would probably just make her feel abandoned. Sending her to one of these programs which are barely more than prisons is only going to make things worse. A short term bootcamp or wildnerness program may show an improvement innitially but the results wear off pretty fast. If the program is run well she will probably come home talking about how amazing it was but after a few months the glamour wears off.
Long term programs just isolate the kid so the program can lie to the parents about her progress. There are parents who come and post here that have not seen their kid in 2 years and insist they are doing great. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Best course is to find a therapist she likes and if she is not interested in medicating the problem then she should go to one who will respect her wishes. This can't be your therapist, it has to be hers.
Most of those drugs are rather unpleasant to take and its not surprising she wanted off of them.
A 14 year old has enough weirdness going on and those drugs can have all kinds of negative side effects.
Before you spend 20 thousand dollars sending her away (3 months of wildnerness or the first 4 months of gulag school ) you should consider the things that money can do in more positive reeinforcement.
20 thousand dollars can pay for most private schools. It can pay for a monthlong trip anywhere in the world for the whole familiy. Sometimes people just need a vacation, sometimes seperate ones :smile:
Anonymous:
Kezzy - you seem to be looking for a "perfect" place for your daughter. It sounds like you need to admit her somewhere - fast! This is not normal teenage behavior in my eyes, does it feel like that to you? I notice you wrote back in April - has anything changed, gotten worse? There are plenty of good programs out there that are under 3000.00 a month that will give you both an opportunity to get help. I had my son in a wwasp program - but there are others, I think, that offer help for the whole family. I know what it feels like to ask for help when I couldn't do it by myself. Some say keep it at home, but our kids have to be at home, be willing to live within the family values. No teen, or person is perfect, so never expect perfection, keep the communication open if your kid is even open to talking, not yelling. Identify if the behaviors, in your eyes, are normal teen behavior. Your kid is in control and you seem to be lowering your standards(by allowing this behavior in your home) to get along. You can't make her cooperate with therapy, but you can make a different choice in what you're willing to put up with. No one wants to admit their child to a program, but sometimes that is what it takes. You can't give your family a better gift if you find one that, at least, feels like the right fit.
Any program out there has the same abuse allegations. And, I wouldn't doubt, by what you wrote, that your daughter would say the same things. If you find something, go visit, talk to the teens there, both lower and upper level kids and talk to the parents of those kids if they are willing to give you some references.
If it's truly beyond taking care of her at home, it's time to get over your fear of what you read.
Anonymous:
Kezzy---The problem with residential treatment programs for troubled teens is the same problem with finding a good Multi-Level Marketing program to invest in or work for: It *may* be possible to build a MLM program that's not a scam, it *may* be possible to run a "troubled teen" school that's not a scam, but when you get into a game where it's common and easy for con men to scam your money and only provide the superficial appearance of "help" and "improvement" to your teen---while ultimately leaving her worse---then chances are you're going to get scammed if you play their game *at all*.
The *first* thing you need to do is *you* and your wife go into family therapy with a *good* therapist who isn't just interested in telling you what you want to hear. Deal with your own problems---because anything in your daughter's behavior that's coming from some of *your* problems that are crazy-making for your daughter will not be fixed by lesser measures.
I don't always agree with Dr. Laura on everything, but she has some good advice on getting control of a troubled teen. Strip her room. Put all her clothes and stuff in a U-Store-It facility. Get her some cheap white T-shirts, cheapo jeans, cheap sneakers, plain white sheets, plain blankets, feed her plenty of nutritious but boring food.
You are legally required to provide a roof, adequate food, adequate clothing---take her down to the legal minimum and make her earn the rest back. But make it reasonable and *possible* for her to earn the rest back.
The difference between *you* doing that and some "program" doing that is that *you* will not, of course, deprive your child of adequate nutritious (even if boring) food, or needed medical care, or appropriate education----and a "program" very well might. Plenty of programs *have*.
If she gets violent with the family, call the police and press charges. Juvie is less damaging than many of these scam troubled teen schools---the cons are so good at conning, you aren't going to be able to tell the difference between a good school and a bad con.
Now, if your daughter has a major mental illness, like major depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, which is making her violent, then she may need inpatient treatment for a limited time---but in a *real* mental hospital, not a restrictive boarding school full of underqualified pseudo shrinks.
If your daughter flunks repeated drug tests for a physically addictive drug or cocaine, or is an alcoholic, she may need inpatient treatment for a limited time---but in a *real* 12 step drug addiction program, not a restrictive boarding school full of underqualified pseudo shrinks.
If your daughter is not mentally ill or actually addicted, and is criminally violent at home anyway, then she is, sadly enough, better off in the juvenile criminal justice system---not a restrictive boarding school full of underqualified pseudo shrinks.
If she's not got a major mental illness, an actual drug addiction, and isn't committing actual criminal acts (not just status offenses), then residential treatment is a copout and an abdication of your responsibility to your child.
Nobody said teenagers were supposed to be fun to live with. Get your own psychological quirks in order, apply discipline by restricting her privileges, do your best to find a therapist she can form a rapport with, and if she's still a pill at eighteen, kick her out and let her learn from the school of hard knocks---it'll do her less harm in the long run than a bad scam program would.
Sure, programs will promise you phenomenal success rates----Too good to be true success rates---which is the best touchstone for a con-game known to mankind: "If it sounds too good to be true---it is."
Quit looking for "too good to be true" answers and cope. If it was easy, they wouldn't need you.
Not what you want to hear.
So? You're a grown up. Deal.
Anonymous:
Anon - you are not using Dr. Laura's philosophy, you're using ToughLove's philosophy. You know what that got me...a kid that didn't come home because he had nothing to come home to - no door on his room, nothing but a mattress on the floor.
I chose not to call the police because the juvie here is full of criminals that would have butt-fucked him - he was a very cute 14 y.o - and I knew the truth as I had toured earlier that month.
Like it was said - if you want honest non-biased advice on a boarding school option - don't waste your time here. Go to struggling teens or wwasps or do a search for teen crisis help or solutions and you'll see what's out there.
kezzy123:
I would truly like to get the whole family into couseling but again, my daughter refuses to go and I cannot force her. And if I take away a privelege or something as punishment for not going, her behavior just gets worse. It doesn't help matters any that my wife does not believe in counseling either. Our daughter has been grounded numerous times but after a day or two my wife will lift the grounding saying that she can't stand to have our daaughter in the house and just wants her to go somewhere with friends for a while. I think the primary problem that we have is that our daughter is very, very immature for her age. And she just doesn't get the concept of rules and the punishment for breaking them. I can't count the number of times that we have handed down a punishment, for example taking away her internet access for a week, just to have her ask the next day for it back and truly not understand when I say no. She will do things like, after getting in trouble for repeatedly being on the phone later than we allow and then ask for her own phone line. Our rules are simple. But she has stated many times that she doesn't think there should be any rules and that she should be able to do whatever she wants. So my wife and I are feeling that maybe whe should spend some time somewhere where she will realize that things at home really aren't that bad. And we need some peace. The last 2 years have put a strain on our family, marriage, jobs, and health. My wife is constantly worried sick and has stated several times that she has considered leaving. Our son is constantly getting the short end of the stick because we have to put so much time and energy towards dealing with his sister that we have very little left for him. There is a lot more to this story that could feel volumes but I'll end it here for now. Thanks to all who have responded.
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