My son is at CARLBROOK for an addiction to world of warcraft

[Anonymous]

http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... chool.html

Ellen
I decided to start a blog because my son is addicted to World of Warcraft and we are struggling to understand it and help him overcome it. I am hoping this blog will do a couple of things: first, provide me with a therapeutic outlet; and second connect with other parents who are struggling with their kids' WoW addiction. Maybe we can help and support each other. Note: To protect my son's and my family's privacy, I have changed our names. Everything else I write about is true. My name is Ellen. I am married to Bill and we have two children, Josh and Kate. Kate is in elementary school and Josh is a freshman in high school.


http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... o-wow.html

Three Fs in School, Thanks to WoW
It's been a long and difficult spring. After Josh's weeklong hospitalization, plus week of outpatient treatment, he comes back to school and gets support from a program they have there for kids transitioning back from an illness or other extended absence. Mainly he sleeps through class and study hall, either because he is depressed or because he has snuck downstairs to play World of Warcraft in the middle of the night (or both). Sometimes I catch him playing in the wee hours and we get into a yelling match, so neither of us is able to fall asleep.

Bill and I get notes and calls from Josh's adviser letting us know that Josh is not turning in important assignments and risks failing if he does not get it together. He has already dropped French in order to catch up on his other core subjects and they have demoted him from level 4 English/world history to level 3. I beg, plead, cajole and threaten him to try and get him to apply himself to his studies. He says, "Don' t worry, Mom. I won't fail."

Josh is easily able to hack around the software we have put on on the computer to restrict the time he plays. We then put some restrictions on at the game level. But somehow Josh is able to open other accounts with someone else's credit card. The only reason we haven't take the computer away entirely is because he does need it for school. We try and limit his use to schoolwork but somehow he finds a way to play WoW. But finally when all else fails, Bill packs up the computer and related equipment and locks them in the trunk of his car. Josh is now if full "I hate you" mode and threatens to call DCFS to report us as unfit parents. He says he wants to go live in a foster home. I say, "Go ahead". What a wake-up call that would be!

As the school year comes to a close we learn that Josh has, in fact, failed three of his second semester classes. We cannot fathom how our extremely bright son has managed to do this. His teachers have given him second and third chances to turn in his work, but he doesn't, and they have no choice but to give him an F. Bill and I are at the end of our rope. We do not know where to turn.


Sunday, August 2, 2009
A Summer without World of Warcraft
Now we have to figure out how Josh is going to make up the three courses he has failed. I contact the school and learn that he can take English this summer but that's it. He'll have to make up the other classes during the year or next summer. I sign him up. The class is two hours every morning. He comes home the first day and says, "Mom, why did you sign me up for that class? It's a bunch of idiots." I say, "What did you expect? The brain trust of your school doesn't have to take summer school English. They passed it the first time." "Oh,"he says as the light bulb goes on.

Josh does diligently attend his summer school class, which is a joke as far as I can tell. It takes them two weeks to read "Farenheit 451", a book of about 150 pages. They have discussion and do little exercises in class and have no homework.

Josh continues to lobby relentlessly to get access to the game. We tell him he needs to demonstrate that he is not dependent on it. We give him a list of chores, activities and therapy he needs to do to earn back some game time. He tells us we should give him access now and he will do those things. We tell him he has to show us first. That sends him over the edge. He rants and raves but we stand firm. We take him to a new therapist because he thinks he can relate better to a guy than a woman. Fine with us, as long as he goes.

Of course, now he takes the bus down to the mall where there is a gaming place called "The Dungeon"...or he goes over to friends' houses to play. His friend Jon goes away to camp and lends him his laptop, which he hides in his room under the bed. We discover it a few days later. I try to talk to him about why the game has such a powerful hold over him and he says, "I only feel happy when I am playing the WoW." Oh, God.

[Anonymous]

We Seek Actionable Advice on How to Handle WoW Addiction
Bill and I realize that just having Josh go to therapy once a week is not going to get us anywhere. The therapist recommends doing family therapy as well. He says that even if Josh won't go, it would do us good to have someone to talk to. I don't have a problem with that but it doesn't seem to be the answer either. Finally I tell the therapist that what we really want is specific, actionable advice on how to handle Josh and his gaming problem. We have tried everything we can think of and nothing works. We don't know how to help our son. I have looked online and come across some bootcamp programs where desperate parents send their out of control teens, and thought, "maybe this is the answer". But then I found a web site by a mom who warns that these programs are often scams and do much more harm than good. She is speaking from personal experience because she sent her daughter to one. This has really freaked me out. Would I have fallen for one of these scams if I had not come across her site?

The therapist gives me the name of an educational consultant. I did not know there was such a thing and I don't know what exactly they do, but I make an appointment and Bill and I go see her. We describe our problem and she tells us about wilderness therapy and how that has been effective with kids who have addictions and other behavioral or emotional issues. Unlike the "bootcamp" programs, wilderness therapy is not based on deprivation but rather intensive therapy, self awareness etc. Also, this consultant has no affiliation with any of the programs she recommends and gets no kick back (unlike some of the consultants who recommend bootcamps). She also recommends only programs she has personally vetted. She gives us the names of 4 programs she thinks could help Josh. They are several weeks in length (open-ended based on how fast and well the child progresses) and very expensive. Also, many times it is recommended that the child go on to a therapeutic boarding school afterwards to sustain and build on the progress made at the wilderness program. Needless to say, these schools are also very expensive.
Bill and I leave the counselor's office with a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... ogram.html

We Choose a Wilderness Therapy Program
It was a tough choice, but ultimately we chose Elements for our son. We liked it because it is smaller and also a bit less expensive that the others. The founders and most of the staff came from Second Nature and the program is similar. Our counselor assured us it was top-notch and the quality of treatment was not at all compromised by the lower cost.

Since the chances of Josh going willingly to wilderness was slim to none, our counselor and the folks at Elements recommended that we use a transport service (I kept calling it an escort service and Bill kept reminding me that that is something quite different

A transport service will pick up your child and accompany them all the way to the wilderness program. They take care of everything, including rental car, plane tickets, food etc. You don't even need to pack a bag because the child just goes with the clothes on his back and the program supplies everything they need at the other end. The one that was recommended to us, and I will recommend it to you is Bill Lane & Associates. They are super professional, responsive and well-trained in how to handle situations where the teen may be uncooperative or hostile.

[Anonymous]

http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... ision.html

We Make the Gut-Wrenching Decision
Although we have now settled on a program, Bill and I vacillate about "pulling the trigger". We lie in bed late into the night discussing our options. What if we don't send Josh to wilderness? Maybe he'll play WoW so much that he'll get sick of it or maybe he'll grow out of it. Not likely, but even if he does, we know that there are underlying reasons for his addiction that won't be addressed, and he could ultimately trade one addiction for another. We list out all the things that may be causing the addiction and ask ourselves if any of them will resolve itself over time without some sort of serious intervention. Very unlikely, we conclude.

We decide that, as much as this decision pains us, it is really the only responsible decision we can make. Our counselor has told us that we can turn on a dime and get Josh enrolled within a couple of days. We call Elements and are told that it will be another week before they have a spot open. We aren't prepared for this...once we have made the decision we want to act quickly before we get cold feet. They tell us they will get back to us if they can move it up. So now we start to get used to the idea of having Josh with us for another week. When they call us Thursday and say he can come on Monday, we are suddenly freaked out. We thought we had a bit of a reprive. I briefly consider taking Josh out there myself. It will be dreadful even if I can actually get him to agree to go, but at least it seems like a more honest and above-board way to handle my son. Then Bill aks me what I will do if Josh pulls something cute at the airport like saying, "I've got a gun/bomb" . I quickly reconsider and call the Bill Lane & Associates to make the arrangements for the transport to Utah.

Bill Lane gets the flights and other arrangements set up quickly, we sign all the paperwork and authorizations, and he tells us that Josh will be on a 6:00 am flight Monday morning...that means that the two escorts will show up at our house at 3:45 am to collect him! A million things go through my mind: what and when should we tell Josh what's coming? What do we do with our 8 year old daughter when all of this is going down? What about our three very loud, barking dogs? What if Josh starts yelling and screaming and making a scene at 3:45 in the morning and the neighbors call the cops on us? I worry and stew and can't sleep or eat for days.

We meet with Brain and Randy (the escorts) at Panera on Sunday evening.


They have flown in from Boise where they work as police officers when they aren't transporting teens. They calmly explain how everything will work. They are very personable and seem competent and professional. But Bill and I feel guilty about what we are doing and whether Josh will ever forgive us. We want to sit him down that night and explain what we are doing and why, but Brian and Randy counsel against it. They reassure us that they have done this many times and that it goes most smoothly if the child does not know ahead of time. At best, he will obsess and brood about it, which does him no good. At worst he will plot his escape and the whole thing will unravel. I feel horrible about "tricking" Josh, but they convince us that he will be fine and will not hold it against us when all is said and done.

We go home and try to act normal. We have sent our daughter to a friend's house for the night so she won't come out of her room to see her brother being dragged out of the house by two strange men. Josh comes home from the Dungeon around 9:30 and is in a good mood since he has had a good long fix of gaming. We have a nice conversation and I think, "Have we made a mistake? Do we really need to do this?"

I set the alarm for 3:30 am and we lie there staring at the ceiling while Josh sleeps in his room, oblivious to what is about to happen. When the alarm goes off we get up and put the dogs in the garage with some bones. We turn on the outside lights so that Brian and Randy can find the house in the dark. I have a backpack ready by the front door with a sweatshirt, Josh's ipod and his book. When the guys arrive we go upstairs and into Josh's room. I am so anxious I feel like I am going to throw up. But I nudge Josh and tell him to wake up. We tell him that he's got to get up because Brian and Randy are here to take him to camp. I am expecting him to go postal but he is groggy and just says, "Huh?...Where am I going? How long is it for?" We tell him we love him and will talk to him soon and then the guys motion to us to leave. We are supposed to leave the house so that Josh can't try pleading or bargaining. So we drive around for a while and when we come back they are gone.
Posted by Ellen at 3:41 PM  
Labels: intervention for teen addiction, transport services, transporting teens to therapeutic programs

[Anonymous]

posting.php?mode=reply&f=9&t=28641

Now that Josh is on his way to Utah I feel a huge sense of relief and can actually get some sleep. Brian and Randy text me continually throughout the day. "We are at the airport and Josh is fine. He had a big breakfast", "We are on the plane", "We have landed in Denver. Josh is in good spirits and is eating again", etc. Finally when they reach Elements they call me to tell me he has been delivered, safe and sound. So far, so good.

Josh is taken for a physical and then outfitted with all his gear and taken to where his group is camped. He is with a group of ten boys who have a variety of issues, from substance abuse to oppositional defiant behavior to depression. By design, they have been in the program varying lengths of time. Enrollment is rolling with boys arriving and leaving each week or so. That way the boys with some time under their belts can help the new boys get acclimated, offer support and reassure them about what to expect. It gives the more tenured boys an opportunity to practice the new leadership,team-building and interpersonal skills that they have been learning.

The first phase of the program, which lasts for a couple of days, is called Acclimation. The student is assigned both a peer mentor and a staff mentor. They learn the routines of living with a group in the wilderness and begin to share in the chores. They read "The Knight in Rusty Armor", which is about a knight who discovers that he must shed his social and emotional armor to expose his authentic self, and they explore the parallels between the knight and themselves. They are given a major assignment, which is to write a detailed and comprehensive personal history.

[Anonymous]

http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... rness.html

Wilderness therapy is an effective intervention for teens who are at risk. It removes them from toxic influences and breaks the destructive cycle they are in. We are told by our educational consultant and the folks at Elements that it is not usually a stand-alone treatment. A few weeks is not long enough for a kid to make long term changes, and they will go right back to their old self-destructive patterns once they get back to their old environment. In order to sustain and build on the progress made at wilderness therapy, it is usually recommended that kids go on to some sort of therapeutic boarding school. I have been in denial about this. I had held out hope that Josh would be "fixed" and come home for the start of sophomore year. But now it is very clear that is not where we're headed.

Our educational consultant talks to us about boarding schools and recommends three that she believes would be a good fit for Josh. These are not ordinary boarding schools...there is a high staff to student ratio and therapy is an integral part of the program. We discuss the schools with Josh's therapist, who helps us narrow the list to two schools, based on Josh's issues and what he needs to work on. The two schools we agree to explore further are Carlbrook, in Virginia, and Monarch, in Montana. Both of these schools are relatively new (7 years) and both were founded by alums of therapeutic boarding schools who had had a positive experience and yet felt that they could improve upon what existing schools were offering. While on paper many aspects of these two schools are similar, they feel very different. Carlbrook is more like a traditional prep school and has a high level of academic rigor. Our consultant has recommended it because Josh is extrememly bright and she feels he would be challenged here. Monarch is more rustic and outdoorsy feeling, places more emphasis on creating a nurturing environment and has a greater variety of activities to participate in. I am drawn to it because of this. I feel that it's critical for Josh to find new interests and passions to replace his interest in World of Warcraft. Otherwise, I fear he will go right back to it. Posted by Ellen at 4:53 AM  
Labels: programs for at risk teens, therapeautic boarding schools
2 comments:
Lon Woodbury said...
Hi Ellen:

Congratulations on your son's progress. I'd be interested in hearing more about exactly how the program works with this kind of "addiction." I seem to be hearing from more parents with this kind of problem.

Lon Woodbury

August 28, 2009 8:44 AM  
Ellen said...
Hi Lori-
Both the wilderness programs and the schools are seeing more kids wit online gaming addictions, and they really are addictions...except for the physiological aspect, the effects are the same. One big issue highlighted by the psychological evaluation is that this addiction, like all the others stunts a teens emotional growth and we are seeing the effects of that in Josh's inability to confront challenges and cope with stress. These programs deal with this addiction in much the same way they do with substance abuse.

August 28, 2009 7:29 PM

[Anonymous]

http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... chool.html

I make plans to go visit the short list of schools. Monarch is first...and when I make my list of pros and cons, accessibility is definitely not one of the pros for this school. I fly to Spokane via Seattle, rent a car and drive east through Idaho and on to Heron, Montana. It's three hours east of Spokane and 50 miles or so south of the Canadian border. I guess that long, cold winters will be another con for this school.


The main campus has some dorms and classroom buildings clustered around the main common area/dining hall. All of the buildings are made of rough hewn logs so it feels more like a summer camp than a school. The barn with the horses, goats ad chickens is a little farther off near the student garden.

After speaking to the admission director I leave for a tour of campus with two students- they are very open and answer all my questions candidly. I get behind schedule because I spend too long patting and talking to each of the horses. Horses are definitely a selling point for me.

The high point of my day is lunch with the students. The food is fabulous and I learn that they have a 5 star chef who gave up the rat race to come teach culinary arts at the school. All the meals are prepared by the kids, who rotate through the culinary arts program. The kids I speak to tell me their stories: why they are there, what they have learned and what they aspire to do after they leave. They seem so mature and well-adjusted. As I watch the interactions of the students with each other and with the staff, I can see how incredibly nurturing and supportive this environment is. It is very structured but at the same time feels very casual and comfortable.

One of the things that appeals to me about this school is the variety of courses and activities it offers...in addition to the typical high school curriculum they offer things like forest management, equestrian studies, culinary arts, gardening, construction, creative arts, etc. I feel that this could be key for Josh.He needs to replace his passion for World of Warcraft with other passions and interests, so that he doesn't fall off the wagon, and this school offers enough variety that he is sure to find something that appeals to him.

Despite the inaccessibility and the long winter, this school has some real pluses. I am anxius to see how the other school stacks up.

[Anonymous]

http://wowanonmom.blogspot.com/2009/08/ ... chool.html

Carlbrook School

I had wanted to visit Carlbrook School on the same trip as my visit to Monarch, but I was told I couldn't come until I had sent in the (25 page!) application and had it approved...seemed a little inflexible, but I duly followed their instructions and made plans to visit the following week. I flew into Raleigh and had dinner with some friends I hadn't seen in 4 years; then got up bright and early and headed north to Virginia. I had been told not to be late as the admissions people had other commitments that day so, when I ran into heavy traffic on I-40, I started to stress out. I had been told that it was a two hour drive from Raleigh and it ended up taking almost two and a half hours, so I was prepared to be chastised for my tardiness. Luckily they were very understanding.


The campus is beautiful...very much a traditional prep school even though it is only seven years old. The founders had bought the main house and 100 acres of an old tobacco plantation and had then added new buildings in the same style. Unlike Monarch this school has a very formal feel.

I meet with the admissions director, the academic dean and the clinical director, all of whom have impressive credentials; then get a tour of the campus with the admissions director. It turns out that the dorms and classrooms are housed in semi-permanent trailers, as the school only has the budget to build one building per year. They are tucked back in the trees so they don't ruin the view of the main campus. The dorms are locked during the day so kids can't sneak back in for a nap. I am shown the "suspension room" where students are sent for a time-out for misbehavior or breaking rules. The point is for them to do some serious introspection and to re-think their behavior. I ask if they have to spend a whole day there and am told that sometimes kids will be there for as long as six weeks, eating all their meals there, etc. There may be multiple kids in there at a time but they are not allowed to talk to each other. Whether or not they are allowed to study depends on their infraction.


At lunch I get to sit with some of the students: 4 boys who have been at school for varying lengths of time for various reasons. Like the kids at Monarch they are both polite and friendly and very open with me about why they are here and what they have learned about themselves. They are incredibly self-aware, much more so than most of the adults I know. As we're chatting away, one of the boys mentions that, although he had been at school for several months, he had just returned from 4 weeks in "the woods" (wilderness program), where he had been sent for a "tune-up" after trying to leave campus. I make a mental note to ask the staff more about that.

After lunch I meet with the executive director, who is also one of the founders. He is an alum of a therapeutic boarding school in California where he was sent as a very troubled teenager. You would never know that by talking to him. He now has two master's degrees and is both charming and accomplished. He explains the history of the school and the philosophy. He started the school because he didn't feel that other therapeutic boarding schools were good enough academically. This school places strong emphasis on the academics and has very high standards for achievement. Many of the students go on to attend very prestigious colleges after Carlbrook.

When I ask him about consequences for misbehavior, he tells me that there are certain offenses for which kids will be sent back to wilderness for 4 weeks and then have their graduation date postponed by six months. Those offenses are: leaving campus without authorization (even if they storm out of a therapy session and walk off the grounds for 5 minutes and then come back), engaging in a sexual act or refusing to go to school. The one offense that will get a student expelled is an act of violence toward another person.This is explained to the students and all are clear on the rules and the consequences for breaking them.

I leave the school later than I had planned and barely make it back to the airport to make my flight.

[Anonymous]

Sunday, September 13, 2009
Bear bags, buckets and sumps
In my overnight stay with the boys I get a crash course in low impact camping and learn a whole new vocabulary. After the ceremony I am given a wiggie (sleeping bag), a tarp to sleep under and a bear bag with my divvy (my share of the communal food), a metal cup and spoon, a wad of toilet paper and a zippie (zip lock bag for stowing my used toilet paper).

Josh shows me to our sleeping location, which is on the side of a hill, and then goes to work setting up the tarp in an A-frame shape. The boys and staff sleep under separate tarps at least 30 ft. apart (if lightening strikes they don't want everyone to get hit) and away from the main campsite (so that they are away from where the bear bags full of food are hung out of reach of hungry wildlife).

Elements and its staff are dedicated to the practice of low impact camping, which basically means that they try not to leave any trace of having been there once they leave their campsite. The boys walk away from camp to pee (all the while calling their names so the staff knows where they are) and they use a bucket with a seat to poop in (also calling out their name while they go).
They cook their meals in a "billy", which is a large coffee can, over an open fire, which they "bust" using a bow drill (no matches used here - busting fires is an important survival skill which the boys are required to master). The fire is built on a flat, round fire pan so that afterwards the ashes can be crushed and then sprinkled around to eliminate any trace.

Busting a fire

Josh makes me dinner by first boiling water in a billy on the open campfire he has built. Then he throws in macaroni plus cut up vegetables and cooks it til soft. Then he drains the can and pours in a can of tomato sauces and some chunks of cheese. And voila, we have dinner. It's actually quite tasty.


After dinner the billies are rinsed with water and the dirty water is poured through a can into a sump. The sump is a hole about 10 inches deep over which two sticks are laid. On the sticks is a can with holes punched in the bottom. The can is filled with sage brush and leaves, which acts as a filter when the dirty water is poured through it. Only the gray water comes out of the bottom of the can into the hole. The hole is then filled with dirt and the solids that have been filtered by the leaves are burned in the campfire. This has the double benefit of having no food odors to attract wildlife and also eliminating traces of our presence.

When it's time for bed, we get into our wiggies under the tarp and Nate (one of the Elements staff) comes to take our shoes, which he will return the next morning. I protest, knowing that I will have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but that's protocol. Kids without shoes have a harder time making a break for it, so no one has their shoes overnight and I am forced to stumble through the sage brush barefooted. Luckily, there's a full moon, so at least I can see where I'm stepping.

Josh and I stay awake til late talking and catching up and he finally goes to sleep. I watch the moon rise and move across the sky and can't seem to get comfortable. I am still wide awake when Nate returns with our shoes.
Posted by Ellen at 11:28 AM 0 comments  
Labels: Elements Wilderness Program, low impact camping, teen addiction
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wilderness Graduation Ceremony

Elements' base (headquarters) is about 3 hours south of Salt Lake City in Huntington. From there we drive an hour and a half southwest into the Manti-LaSal National Forest, where the boys have been hiking and camping in the high desert for the last 8 weeks. When we get close to camp, the parents (there are two moms picking up their sons and one dad visiting) are blindfolded for a trust walk with our sons. I have not yet seen Josh, but he gives me the end of a stick to hold while he leads me through the sage brush to where the "graduation" ceremony will be. We all walk in silence, but as I stumble along he whispers, "I missed you".

When we reach the site of the ceremony our blindfolds are removed and we are shown a rock path made by the boys to symbolize the past, present and future. This is something the boys have come up with on their own and, as each mom and her son enter the path, another boy describes what it represents: "This is the west gate, which represents the setting of the sun and the end of an old era." In the first section, the boy tells me that this represents the past and gives Josh two stones which symbolize past behaviors that he is working to eliminate. Josh hands me the stones and asks me to name the two behaviors that I would like to see buried in the past. I say, "playing WOW and lying". He takes the stones and puts them in a hole. We both cover the stones with dirt.

As we proceed into the second section, the boy says: "This is the present. The present is the only moment we have and the only moment we can control. It is the only time when we can actually work to achieve our goals."

Then we come to the crossroads and he says: "There are two possible paths to the future. We can continue down our old destructive path, leading into a tree, which represents a dead end. Or we can choose the path that leads to healthy relationships and wise choices. However, there are two rocks blocking this path. They represent obstacles on the journey that will need to be overcome to reach our destination." We take the rocks and move them out of the way.

As we exit the path, the boy tells us: "This is the east gate. It represents the rising of the sun and the beginning of a new era."

And then Josh gives me a long, long hug.
Posted by Ellen at 11:24 AM 0 comments  
Labels: wilderness therapy for at-risk teens, wow addiction
Monday, September 7, 2009
We Take the Next Step
The therapist at Elements has warned Josh that we are looking at boarding schools for him...although he is not happy about it, it does not surprise him because this is what has happened with most of the other boys who have left the program. We get our second phone call with him of the summer and explain our decision. The therapist has advised us against explaining too much or giving too much detail at this point. He wants to give Josh some time to absorb and process the fact that he is going to Monarch. After that he will give Josh a brochure and arrange a call with the admissions director of the school to have his questions answered. As we tell him about Monarch we can hear him crying, but he says he understands our decision and that he is at least glad to know what's next. The uncertainty has been hard on him.

After filling out all the school paperwork and writing a hefty check, I begin to make travel arrangements to pick up Josh at Elements and take him to Monarch. I am going solo, since Bill cannot get off work and Katie has school. The whole trip will take 5 days! I leave today to fly to Salt Lake City, then drive to Price Utah tonight. It's about 20 minutes away from Elements' headquarters, where I am supposed to show up at 9:00 am tomorrow. They will outfit me with camping gear and then take me to the boys' campsite, where I will spend the night and participate in group therapy and other activities. The next day we will return to the office where Josh will be discharged...we'll drive back to Salt Lake City and fly to Spokane that night. Finally, on Thursday we will drive the three hours to Monarch where Josh will be welcomed by his mentor and peer group leader. As it happens, the kids will be on break between terms, so Josh can do his orientation and get acclimated before starting classes in a couple weeks. I will only spend about 45 minutes at school because they are trying to avoid long drawn-out goodbyes, which don't help anyone. So I get to turn around almost immediately and drive back to Spokane for a 6:00 am flight out the next morning. Whew!

As I prepare for the trip, a million things are going through my mind. I am excited to finally see Josh after 9 weeks and I am wondering how he will have changed. I also worry that he will balk about going to school and not sure how I will handle that. It's going to be really hard to leave him off, knowing that I won't get to see him until December when we are allowed our first parent visit. I hope I can stay positive and not cry in front of him.
Posted by Ellen at 9:32 AM 3 comments  
Labels: schools for at-risk teens, taking a child to therapeutic boarding school
Friday, September 4, 2009
Weighing the Pros and Cons of Schools
As soon as I am on the plane, I take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. While it's still fresh in my mind, I note the pros and cons of each school:

Carlbrook
+ strong academics
+ accessibility
+ weather
+ beautiful campus

- fewer extracurricular activities
- more rigid; more formal feel
- more expensive
- longer program

Monarch
+ good academics plus creative arts focus
+ vocational courses (cooking, equestrian, etc.)
+ structured but very nurturing and supportive
+ casual, comfortable feel
+ somewhat less expensive

- climate
- hard to get there from here


We are leaning towards Monarch, so I call some of the parent references and hear glowing reports about their children's experiences there and the positive longer term impact the school has had on them. We talk to Josh's therapist at Elements and he also feels Monarch would be the best fit.

As we are making our decision, we are confident that either school will do the job, but in the end, we choose Monarch. Even though Carlbrook would probably challenge Josh more academically, we are not as concerned about that right now. Our priorities are: 1) to make sure he has the support he needs to solidify and build on the progress from wilderness; and 2) to give him the best chance of finding other interests to replace his dependence on WoW. Because of the vocational classes and extracurricular activities, Monarch probably provides the best chance of that.

[Anonymous]

We Take the Next Step
The therapist at Elements has warned Josh that we are looking at boarding schools for him...although he is not happy about it, it does not surprise him because this is what has happened with most of the other boys who have left the program. We get our second phone call with him of the summer and explain our decision. The therapist has advised us against explaining too much or giving too much detail at this point. He wants to give Josh some time to absorb and process the fact that he is going to Monarch. After that he will give Josh a brochure and arrange a call with the admissions director of the school to have his questions answered. As we tell him about Monarch we can hear him crying, but he says he understands our decision and that he is at least glad to know what's next. The uncertainty has been hard on him.

After filling out all the school paperwork and writing a hefty check, I begin to make travel arrangements to pick up Josh at Elements and take him to Monarch. I am going solo, since Bill cannot get off work and Katie has school. The whole trip will take 5 days! I leave today to fly to Salt Lake City, then drive to Price Utah tonight. It's about 20 minutes away from Elements' headquarters, where I am supposed to show up at 9:00 am tomorrow. They will outfit me with camping gear and then take me to the boys' campsite, where I will spend the night and participate in group therapy and other activities. The next day we will return to the office where Josh will be discharged...we'll drive back to Salt Lake City and fly to Spokane that night. Finally, on Thursday we will drive the three hours to Monarch where Josh will be welcomed by his mentor and peer group leader. As it happens, the kids will be on break between terms, so Josh can do his orientation and get acclimated before starting classes in a couple weeks. I will only spend about 45 minutes at school because they are trying to avoid long drawn-out goodbyes, which don't help anyone. So I get to turn around almost immediately and drive back to Spokane for a 6:00 am flight out the next morning. Whew!

As I prepare for the trip, a million things are going through my mind. I am excited to finally see Josh after 9 weeks and I am wondering how he will have changed. I also worry that he will balk about going to school and not sure how I will handle that. It's going to be really hard to leave him off, knowing that I won't get to see him until December when we are allowed our first parent visit. I hope I can stay positive and not cry in front of him.

[Anonymous]

Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wilderness Graduation Ceremony

Elements' base (headquarters) is about 3 hours south of Salt Lake City in Huntington. From there we drive an hour and a half southwest into the Manti-LaSal National Forest, where the boys have been hiking and camping in the high desert for the last 8 weeks. When we get close to camp, the parents (there are two moms picking up their sons and one dad visiting) are blindfolded for a trust walk with our sons. I have not yet seen Josh, but he gives me the end of a stick to hold while he leads me through the sage brush to where the "graduation" ceremony will be. We all walk in silence, but as I stumble along he whispers, "I missed you".

When we reach the site of the ceremony our blindfolds are removed and we are shown a rock path made by the boys to symbolize the past, present and future. This is something the boys have come up with on their own and, as each mom and her son enter the path, another boy describes what it represents: "This is the west gate, which represents the setting of the sun and the end of an old era." In the first section, the boy tells me that this represents the past and gives Josh two stones which symbolize past behaviors that he is working to eliminate. Josh hands me the stones and asks me to name the two behaviors that I would like to see buried in the past. I say, "playing WOW and lying". He takes the stones and puts them in a hole. We both cover the stones with dirt.

As we proceed into the second section, the boy says: "This is the present. The present is the only moment we have and the only moment we can control. It is the only time when we can actually work to achieve our goals."

Then we come to the crossroads and he says: "There are two possible paths to the future. We can continue down our old destructive path, leading into a tree, which represents a dead end. Or we can choose the path that leads to healthy relationships and wise choices. However, there are two rocks blocking this path. They represent obstacles on the journey that will need to be overcome to reach our destination." We take the rocks and move them out of the way.

As we exit the path, the boy tells us: "This is the east gate. It represents the rising of the sun and the beginning of a new era."

And then Josh gives me a long, long hug.
Posted by Ellen at 11:24 AM 0 comments

[Anonymous]

posting.php?mode=reply&f=9&t=28641

Sunday, September 13, 2009
Bear bags, buckets and sumps
In my overnight stay with the boys I get a crash course in low impact camping and learn a whole new vocabulary. After the ceremony I am given a wiggie (sleeping bag), a tarp to sleep under and a bear bag with my divvy (my share of the communal food), a metal cup and spoon, a wad of toilet paper and a zippie (zip lock bag for stowing my used toilet paper).

Josh shows me to our sleeping location, which is on the side of a hill, and then goes to work setting up the tarp in an A-frame shape. The boys and staff sleep under separate tarps at least 30 ft. apart (if lightening strikes they don't want everyone to get hit) and away from the main campsite (so that they are away from where the bear bags full of food are hung out of reach of hungry wildlife).

Elements and its staff are dedicated to the practice of low impact camping, which basically means that they try not to leave any trace of having been there once they leave their campsite. The boys walk away from camp to pee (all the while calling their names so the staff knows where they are) and they use a bucket with a seat to poop in (also calling out their name while they go).
They cook their meals in a "billy", which is a large coffee can, over an open fire, which they "bust" using a bow drill (no matches used here - busting fires is an important survival skill which the boys are required to master). The fire is built on a flat, round fire pan so that afterwards the ashes can be crushed and then sprinkled around to eliminate any trace.

Busting a fire

Josh makes me dinner by first boiling water in a billy on the open campfire he has built. Then he throws in macaroni plus cut up vegetables and cooks it til soft. Then he drains the can and pours in a can of tomato sauces and some chunks of cheese. And voila, we have dinner. It's actually quite tasty.


After dinner the billies are rinsed with water and the dirty water is poured through a can into a sump. The sump is a hole about 10 inches deep over which two sticks are laid. On the sticks is a can with holes punched in the bottom. The can is filled with sage brush and leaves, which acts as a filter when the dirty water is poured through it. Only the gray water comes out of the bottom of the can into the hole. The hole is then filled with dirt and the solids that have been filtered by the leaves are burned in the campfire. This has the double benefit of having no food odors to attract wildlife and also eliminating traces of our presence.

When it's time for bed, we get into our wiggies under the tarp and Nate (one of the Elements staff) comes to take our shoes, which he will return the next morning. I protest, knowing that I will have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but that's protocol. Kids without shoes have a harder time making a break for it, so no one has their shoes overnight and I am forced to stumble through the sage brush barefooted. Luckily, there's a full moon, so at least I can see where I'm stepping.

Josh and I stay awake til late talking and catching up and he finally goes to sleep. I watch the moon rise and move across the sky and can't seem to get comfortable. I am still wide awake when Nate returns with our shoes.

[Anonymous]

K. So it's a late night. Missed that this lunatic, deranged torturer imprisoned her son at Monarch, not Carlbrook. Sorry.

[psy]

Jeez.  Can't parent's grow some balls and just cut their kids off from the net or change the password on their WOW account (or delete it entirely).  Extreme scenario: buy a computer not capable of playing WOW (either too old, or a newer model without a 3d accelerator installed... buy a cheap pci video card).  What in the fuck happened to responsible parenting.

[Anonymous]

When I read things like this, in a strange way it makes me proud of my country. Here we are just a few decades after the great depression when people were literally starving to death in large numbers, and the trials and tribulations of your average middle class american are now as tame and boring as what I just read above. Could this blog get any more boring? My, how far we have come as a country that your kid playing around on his computer too much is your biggest worry. That you have enough disposable income to even consider transporting your kid in a flying train across this great land to attend a private institution. What a great country this is!

That's what this makes me think of when I read boring stuff like this. It's their family and I figure they know how to deal with their kid. You'll see no armchair parenting here from me, because I know that I don't know enough to make a comment on that. Most parents don't do so much research, and almost none actually go to the places they are sending their kid and camp out with them. This parent is different. They are special! I also thought about the person who read through it all and took the time to highlight the different colors. Bored much? We are all interested in different things, I guess the inner workings of other families interests you. I bet you watch Trading Spouses everyday on Lifetime, am i right?

Well  lets get down to business shall we. I know what this kid is going through. No, I didn't play video' games. I always thought the kids who did were dorky. So in a way I can empathize with this mother who wants her kid to be a little more interested in the real world. But enough about this family none of us know anything about. I need to tell you a story, a story about how my life got turned upside down.

 I'd like you to take a minute and just sit right there. I spent most of my days chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool. Always shooting b-ball, outside of the school. That's up until a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared. She sent me to live with my uncle and aunt . I begged and pleaded but she packed my bags. She gave me a kiss and my ticket, I put my walkman and on and said I mine as well kick it. I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, I saw some dice in the mirror. The license plate said fresh and if anything I knew this cab was rare. But I thought , just forget it, lets go. I pulled up to their house around seven or eight, and I told the cabby  I'll smell you later.  I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of belair.

 :twofinger: