remembering what happened

[Anonymous]

I have a question for survivors.

How well do you remember what went on on a daily basis during the time you were imprisoned and brainwashed?
I feel like I cannot remember this period as well as I should...Anyone else feel like that, or can you remember everything that happened in detail?

thanks

[Anonymous]

remembering yes, the recovery of memory is very difficult under those conditions.. memory fails under conditions of very high stress and fear and fatigue. it's a biochemical thing and common to those who've undergone indoctrination

[Anonymous]

I have a question for survivors.

How well do you remember what went on on a daily basis during the time you were imprisoned and brainwashed?
I feel like I cannot remember this period as well as I should...Anyone else feel like that, or can you remember everything that happened in detail?

thanks

Wow, This is a complicated question and I definitely have a complicated answer.
The truth of me is that I remember lots of different things from the daily craphole. I remember singing toddler songs, blowing in the wind etc...
I remember basics raps, morning rap, lunch, 1 o'clock rap....afternoon rap, rules rap, night rap.....girls rap...boys rap.  Monday night blow away raps..Open meetings, open meeting reviews, parent rap, sibling rap. Basically these people liked to talk too much...lol...
Anyway, I remember things that happened daily....like kids being called to the med cart and specific staff calling out homes list at the end of the night.
Fucked up how as a newcomer you never knew to whose house you would be staying at until the end of the night....I remember feeling a constant anxiety about that as a newcomer. I remember a specific staff member laughing as he restrained kids and hurt them...and laughing as they were crying. I remember being on the bench helpless being told to look forward while staff and oldcomers hurt another child up against a wall and/or on the ground, and I remember looking forward , crying.
I remember certain cool oldcomers and certain asshole oldcomers...I remember a certain oldcomers bad breath in my face.
I REMEMBER!
And then.........
There are times when I cannot remember in what order some stuff happened. I have admitted to myself recently that I guess it just doesnt always really matter about the order in which all the bad shit happened, for me.....I just know that it happened and that is enough. I stopped digging a little bit. I eased up on the digging at myself with it and have shifted my focus currently to what I have been calling tunnelling. It is an experimental healing process that I made up and have been trying out....I am not finished with it yet....but I can say this for now...I have found it useful to my memory and it has helped me to further put that awful time period in my life into perspective for myself. I will be happy to let anyone who wants to know what I have been doing with this know whatever they want, once I am finished. I am being a human guinea pig....wow how ironic...the guinea part anyway.lol! Anyway, as I was saying about the memory thing; I have noticed the new things I have been doing have been helping me remember more things and also put them in proper order.
This is helpful but a bonus considering I had already accepted that this may not be possible. It is working for me, but keep in mind....I don't have anyone else doing it . So, I really could not even say if it would work for others. I had to think of something to help heal myself further from the hellhole...and I am a rebel and need something tailored to fit me. So, I needed to basically get creative on my own ass, and so I came up with tunnelling after a long and hard deliberation of how to help myself.

[anythinganyone]

I used to remember very clearly a lot of things, then randomly one day I just had a very hard time remembering anything in particular about it at all.

[Anonymous]

I used to remember very clearly a lot of things, then randomly one day I just had a very hard time remembering anything in particular about it at all.

The body has certain defense mechanisms that are built in to protect ones psyche. Is it possible that the memories got to painful for you and then your higher self took over and blocked them out? I think this is a good possibility, as long as their aren't any other symptoms that are co-existing that would possibly indicate a medical problem. Without knowing you  I can say this is a good possibility but cannot be for sure b/c I have not known you and don't know your psyche make-up.If the memory loss bothers you, seek help and try and trouble shoot it with a competent therapist. If it isn't troublesome the take it as a blessing and count it.

[susan]

Wow, I remember it like it was yesterday, and I had not even thought nor spoke of place in well  many moons, I am 49 now, was put in at 13, ran away at almost 14 from the seed, so many moons ago .  The day I ran, left that scene, I had blocked it, like it never happened. Till just a few months ago, when my  brother turned me on to this forum. I kinda wished I had not come here, because it was nice not remembering such horrible crap but then it feel's great at same time maybe even better for me to be able to type this stuff out of me. I am really feeling a lot of thing's from reading others stories as well. It is really emotional to remember this nightmare I kept away for so long. Do I remember yes clearly. I think I know how you feel though, it was great not thinking of that place. I hope all are able to put that part of their lives behind them, I was lucky in way I was at least young, and I was able to survive and move on. It may have been rough, but I so love freedom enough that I made it.  Remembering something that  should never have happened. Not for everyone I guess to remember, sometimes it is better to forget.    Some of this stuff  makes me feel sad at times, I mean really sad, It could also be why I feel like I am still 14 years old at times, some think I missed out by not going to school and all, but I lived, saw thing's that most would never see nor experience. I feel lucky not to have had been crippled more in life, by the force of humans. School is in the heart, and people live and learn as much as they want out of life. I have not put a dent in learning, I am grateful for that. I am also grateful I do not have to remember if I chose not to.I am grateful for surviving such memory as well. Remember to look up into the sky  once in a while, Lot's of peace in the skies. Oh, and always smile, it keeps you balanced. :peace:

[iamartsy]

I still feel like there is a year of my life that I must hide from the world! I remember being wailking from the nice main house to the "UNIT". I walked through two locked doors into hell. Then i was told to wait to see the "Dr." I was strip searched and then my suitcase was gone through. Then there was lunch on the unit. A cart came and i had to eat with a plastic spoon so I could not hurt myself. I had not planned on hurting myself but after that ? Then there was a rap. Then reading ancient magazines. Then dinner, Then another rap. Anytime I had to go to the bathroom someone had to watch. That really freaked me out.

I did  this for a month, I think. Not sure. Then I was allowed out of the locked doors to go eat. Back and forth and raps. Then eventually I got to throw clay for my anger (it was boring as shit). After 3 months I saw my parents. I was worried about this. "STAFF" told me I was not to tell my parents the truth of went on around there. I took them deep into the ball fields and told them. We figured out a system for communicating if there was a problem. I was checking everything for "bugs". My parents did not think this was paranoia. They were starting to get the idea. I don't remember much after that. Mostly daily raps, eating, and boredom. I remember fear of the weekly meetings with only "STAFF". We waited in the small lounge. We got our privileges after their meeting. Mine always had mean shit written on it. I gave up asking for much in the way of privileges. I finally got the lowest tier of a level at either 3 or 6 mos. More boredom. I remember having plans to run away and not doing it.  

Recently, I saw the music therapist at a Basketball game and I was mortified. I mean heart skipping beats. I don't remember what happened after that.

I finally got released 9 mos later. I had lost my identity and am saddened while writing this. I have never gotten my identity back. I did briefly while I lived in NYC. I loved it. I felt like I had split! Then I returned to a family that wants me to hide my identity. I won't and can't. I am planning to runaway again. I am 45 but still feel the need to runaway. I worry I will become a beggar on the street, but whatever happens to me; I will be free. Sorry, i went off subject but that is it. I lost 9 mos. and can't regain it. I lost a life! I lost my lovers. I lost who I am. I am a lesbian. I was one. I was never bisexual as I claimed in order to get releasted. I am, who I am. NYC is calling me, even if I have to move from Y to Y every 4 mos. i willl be free.

[Anonymous]

some think I missed out by not going to school and all, but I lived, saw thing's that most would never see nor experience. I feel lucky not to have had been crippled more in life, by the force of humans. School is in the heart, and people live and learn as much as they want out of life.

The real "University" has no specific location. It owns no property, pays no salaries and receives no material dues. The real University is a state of mind. It is that great heritage of rational thought that has been brought down to us through the centuries and which does not exist at any specific location. It’s a state of mind which is regenerated throughout the centuries by a body of people who traditionally carry the title of professor, but even that title is not part of the real University. The real University is nothing less than the continuing body of reason itself.

In addition to this state of mind, "reason," there’s a legal entity which is unfortunately called by the same name but which is quite another thing. This is a nonprofit corporation, a branch of the state with a specific address. It owns property, is capable of paying salaries, of receiving money and of responding to legislative pressures in the process.

But this second university, the legal corporation, cannot teach, does not generate new knowledge or evaluate ideas. It is not the real University at all. It is just a church building, the setting, the location at which conditions have been made favorable for the real church to exist.

Confusion continually occurs in people who fail to see this difference, he said, and think that control of the church buildings implies control of the church. They see professors as employees of the second university who should abandon reason when told to and take orders with no backtalk, the same way employees do in other corporations.

[karate man]

i sent my older brother an email, and we barely exchange emails. in the subject i put 'i need to talk to someone'

i wrote everything to him. trauma, abuse, manipulation, intimidation. how it made me feel, how it strained our
relationship. how it was the reason i was fucked up for all those years. i read what i wrote and it was horrifying,
but i sent it and he told me to call him the reply.

i called him and he said "thats quite a story. i believe every word of it."

he told me that no matter how strained my relationship to my familly was that there was love there that would never go away.
he is actually a class action lawyer for native residential school victims in canada and he told me that some of his clients
do better forgetting it and others do better talking about it with others. i told him i had met other survivors and had read
what their experiences and found them to be simmilar to mine.

i told him that i had always thought i was the only one who had ever gone through this! for all those years.

but since i started meeting other poeple who have gone through the same thing i have felt stronger. i feel more like
myself, which is a concept which for me is problematic to begin with. i feel lighter, more confident, and looser. i would
have never have been able to contact my brother like that if it wasnt for all the people out there sharing. i feel like
i`ve been wearing an iron mask for years  and now with a little bit of work it will begin to come off.

good night everyone, thanks again.  :cheers:

[Anonymous]

Yeah man, I remember. 4 days short of a year in there. I got out in 90' and was convinced I was an alcoholic and addict, even though I only smoked a little pot for 6 months. went to AA for 8.5 years. after 4 years in AA I knew I wasn't an addict, but kept going cause it taught me to get honest w/ myself. after 8.5, well, I could tell you what the guru's would say before they opened their mouths, couldn't relate as I never had a problem, and Lakota sweat lodges became my new support group. So I did the feal, deal and heal, thought I put it all behind me, talked about it a lot and then forgot about it. Then last year a memory brought it all back again, including the pain. Never had spoken w/ anyone else who had been in straight until last year, talked to a girl for a couple hours on the phone, very healing! I started writing names of people I could remember. My memory is great, and I never tried to suppress it, but rather thought the pain was done. Oops! not so! What really got me last year was remembering telling on a kid, Dylan, for masturbating. They sure tore into him, me too, that's gotta be one of the most aweful things I've done. Turns out he's schitsophrenic now. Logically, we played the game, told on others, restrained others, etc. out of self preservation. Emotionally, well, fuck the logic, what I did was wrong!