Leadership

[try another castle]

Well? Where did you land on the douchebag-o-meter?

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel? Were you a kapo for the screws? Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself? (Ever see a dead donkey?)

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it?

Were you part of student government? Were you on a committee? What was your attitude about pulling people up? Ratting? Requesting for raps? Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction? Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition? Did you ever make dorm head? Did you go to leadership conferences? Did you give parents' tours?

Did you ever dream about becoming staff?

I'm not making qualitative statements about any of these, other than the obvious that they are examples of different levels of students policing other students.

So, where do you fall?

I'll answer my own questions as well:

I was not part of student government. I was on one committee, and it was called the friends committee. I have no idea what this entity did. I hated pulling people up, because I don't like telling other people what to do. I don't remember ever ratting on someone, but I could be wrong. I requested people for raps if I had a personal beef with them, or if I needed them  for support. I never ran a full-time or other restriction, but I did indeed talk to students who were on one, which still places me in a position of authority, because the kid on the restriction has to listen to my bullshit. I supported in one childrens' propheet and also supported on an orientation. I was a dorm support, which pretty much has to do all the same shit that a dorm head does, and has the same responsibilities when it comes to policing the younger students. So definite dick factor there. no and no for the last two questions. Although I did go to a conference that was called a leadership conference, but it was really for all of the retards who didn't get on the leadership bandwagon. We did team building exercises down at the pond all day... with canoes.

And no. I never dreamed of becoming staff. I thought that would probably be one of the most miserable jobs in the world.

And I yelled at many a person in a rap. All for stupid reasons. There never was a good reason, really.

I suppose if I had to categorize myself, I would probably be most like the donkey... too interested in his own survival to care about being a revolutionary, yet totally repulsed by the idea of being part of the gestapo.

I mean, I definitely was a genuine "be-good" instead of a "look-good". I totally believed in the program, and was truly ashamed that I wasn't up to snuff when it came to leadership.

I don't feel too bad about it now, though. Lemme tell you. But I definitely had my dickish older student moments. I yelled at my little sister in the house, in front of everyone, during breakfast, because she told me to fuck off when I confronted her about not making her bed. I read her the fucking riot act. I also always bitched at suesu because she never got up on time. In both scenarios, it would be my ass if they didn't fall into line. I hated that shit. I hated that I felt that I had to care whether someone's bed was made or not, or whether someone was up on time.

I think the most haunting thing I ever read regarding my role as an older student was a note written by one of my unofficial little sisters. She starts out nice, by saying that ever since she got to RMA, she has always felt comfortable talking to me. But then, halfway through the note, she says "You helped me stay here from all the talks we had."

Oh fucking lord jesus no. I am SO SORRY, M!!!  :cry2:

I guess this is another example of how things of this nature all go back to the stanford prison experiment.

[Anonymous]

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel? Were you a kapo for the screws? Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself? (Ever see a dead donkey?)

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it?

i wanted to impress my parents so i think i did as much as i could.  i didnt get it that i would never be able to use any of these "accomplishments" because cedu was going to be just as much of a secret when i left as it was while i was there.... but i was kitchen manager, and i dont know i guess i got on friends committee, but all of it was in the hopes that the staff would leave me alone.

Were you part of student government?

i ran for president and much to my surprise i won.  then i did nothing cause it was like, ok, i am president, woopdedoo.  that does not change anything does it?

 Were you on a committee?

i liked running dishes.  i liked catching cracks, i liked talking to people during dinner dishes, it was a chance to maybe be nice to them.  u know, no one was looking...

What was your attitude about pulling people up?

i was very poor at pulling people up.

 Ratting? ??

Requesting for raps?

i sucked at that too, i got yelled at a lot cause i would request my friends over and over or not request anyone, i hated that shit.  

Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction?

no.

 Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition?

no.

Did you ever make dorm head?

i was a dorm head, i had a girl in my dorm that liked to set her alarm super early and let it go off for half an hour to to 45 minutes on snooze.  it sucked and the other girls in the dorm hated it and i left early as kitchen manager so i couldnt stop it.  one day they were fighting about it and i tore her alarm out of the wall, as i was 'in charge' and didnt know what else to do.  so she didnt get an alarm anymore after that.  but she loved me anyway, i dont know why.

Did you go to leadership conferences?

i did the presidential classroom.  sooooo fucking ironic.  i only did it to get the FUCK off campus.  it was so fun.  that was a great time in hell.  sooooo ironic, cause they taught me all about politics, and now i want to use that knowledge to make a federal law against this kind of ABUSE!!!

Did you give parents' tours?

no.

Did you ever dream about becoming staff?

heeeeeellllls no.  i dreamt about burning that place down though...

[Anonymous]

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel? YES, MOST OF THE TIME. NEVER WORKED WELL FOR ME.
Were you a kapo for the screws? YES
Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself? (Ever see a dead donkey?) SOMETIMES

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it? NOT FAR!

Were you part of student government? NO
Were you on a committee? NO
What was your attitude about pulling people up? NO
Ratting? NO
Requesting for raps? NO
Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction? YES
Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition? YES - LOTS
Did you ever make dorm head? YES
Did you go to leadership conferences?YES
Did you give parents' tours? YES - (ACTUALLY, CASTLE, I CHECKED YOU IN!!!!)
Did you ever dream about becoming staff? NO!! I went back to visit once about 4 years after I left to visit Mare and was asked to run a rap.. which I did. I was then asked if I would be interested in a job. NOWAY!!!!!

[Psianide]

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel?

No, I went to a millitary program at one point so the self preservation instinct kicked in at Ascent.

Were you a kapo for the screws?

?? I Dont know what that means

Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself? (Ever see a dead donkey?)

I think I got put on bans from being alone at one point

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it?

as far as I was compelled to climb by my program staff; sometimes I did enjoy it.

Were you part of student government?

I don't remember having this at NWA. maybe it was called something else?

Were you on a committee?

i was one of the guys who started fires in the pit. does that count? Oh right - - I ran chores for my team at one point - - thats what you are talking about right?

What was your attitude about pulling people up?

only my dorm subs in the dorm

Ratting?

sometimes - about certain things. I tacitly refused to aknowledge agreements that seemed anti-intellectual or against religion. I never refused to write a dirt list though.

Requesting for raps?

everyone did when I was at NWA. If you forgot you were on work assignment. Most people - myself included wrote down random names so that we were technically in line

Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction?

no. I can't recall a student ever doing this when I was there

Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition?

several propheets

Did you ever make dorm head?

yup. they set me up with the worst rebels on campus so that they could hit me over the head when I failed to keep my dorm in line. my dorm was the worst one on campus, and I got put on indefinites with them for it

Did you go to leadership conferences?



Did you give parents' tours?

yup

Did you ever dream about becoming staff?

Fuck that!!!!!

I also went to parent conferences and helped Curtis Foster brainwash the "voyager parents" at one point.  And I was one of the people who did house around the pit before meals. Most of this sort of "leadership activity" was involuntarily assigned though (except supporting in propheets) was it voluntary at RMA in the late '80s - early 90s?

[try another castle]

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel? YES, MOST OF THE TIME. NEVER WORKED WELL FOR ME.
Were you a kapo for the screws? YES
Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself? (Ever see a dead donkey?) SOMETIMES

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it? NOT FAR!

Were you part of student government? NO
Were you on a committee? NO
What was your attitude about pulling people up? NO
Ratting? NO
Requesting for raps? NO
Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction? YES
Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition? YES - LOTS
Did you ever make dorm head? YES
Did you go to leadership conferences?YES
Did you give parents' tours? YES - (ACTUALLY, CASTLE, I CHECKED YOU IN!!!!)
Did you ever dream about becoming staff? NO!! I went back to visit once about 4 years after I left to visit Mare and was asked to run a rap.. which I did. I was then asked if I would be interested in a job. NOWAY!!!!!

Okay, you are one of two people. One of whom I have spoken to already on the forums. If you are the other one, i.e. the one who graduated a week after I got there and you were in Jackie's peer group, girl, we need to talk, seriously. You totally fucked me over. I'm not pissed at all, it was just that I remembered what happened literally a week ago, and it surprised the hell out of me.

Holy shit, you ran a rap? Whoa.

I SO want to run a rap! I've actually had fantasies about it, and I think other survivors do, too. Everybody will walk in and sit down. I come in and say "Okay, guys, what do you want to do? We can a. get the fuck out of here and go bowling. b. Get the fuck out of here and go to a movie. c. Get the fuck out of here and go skiing. d. Just get the fuck out of here.

Running a propheet would be even better, because that would give us enough time to do something like fly to vegas. (Have you fucking seen the pool at Caesar's?) Or just get everyone out on the underground railroad and into group homes.

Or... I would just create my own propheet and call it the "How to become an emancipated minor" propheet.

Were you a kapo for the screws?

?? I Dont know what that means

Actually, it's a mixed metaphor, because it is referencing two terms from different environments.

A Kapo is a concentration camp prisoner, usually either a criminal or a communist (green or red triangle.) who has been appointed by the commandants as a guard to keep the other prisoners in line. Most of them were brutal and as bad as the nazis were. It was incredibly rare for a jew or a homosexual to become a kapo, although there is a survivor book written by this one guy who was both, and was the only gay jewish prisoner to ever become a kapo at the camp. He was obviously nice to people and tried to steal food and supplies for everyone. (This is probably why people like that never became kapos.)

A screw is a prison guard. American term. "Turning someone in to the screws" meant that you snitched on another prisoner.

And no, I don't think anyone there was brutal like a kapo was, although a couple came close. Especially someone in my peer group. He was totally being groomed as power staff, but fortunately, he never went back, as far as I know.

[dishdutyfugitive]

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel?

Speak softly and carry a big stick

Were you a kapo for the screws?

Enough to not catch heat. I wasn't on the brown shirt prowl to get brownie points. But I could do the math - if someone did something in front of me that I knew with 100% certainty they were going to cop out to in the next 48 hours - it was going on my next dirt list. I didn't need to be accused of 'covering dirt up just because i accidentally witnessed some trivial bullshit'.       I never wrote up a dirt list and sprinted it immediately to the nearest staff but if I felt heat coming I did a quick invetory and included trivial shit like that.


Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself?

Yes....that's the way I felt 100% of the time. I talked the talk , walked the walk, drank the kool aid but, as far as the types of friends I wanted to have but was prohibited from having I felt as alive as a dead mule in a forgotten pasture. As far as how I wanted "BE"     I was as useful as a dead donkey in a manure pile at the farm.

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it?

Corps De Bois (Discovery), Challenge (forgot the horseshit name for leadership in that family). I thought  It was retarded and gay. 2 terms I don't like to use and I shouldn't use. I have gay friends and retarded friends. But as a 16 year old that's what I thought of it.

Were you part of student government?

No, but I ran for Presidente. I regret it to this day.

Were you on a committee?

Beatsheets and pushpins awareness Kohmhiteeee

What was your attitude about pulling people up?

Dreaded the thought of it. Don't remember being a pulluper like many students I despised. I'm sure I'm blocking memories of a good handful of pullups I committed.  Occasionaly, we all got a bit of wind under our sails and went on a kool aid pull up rampage.

Ratting?

Isn't this the Kapo question? see above.

Requesting for raps?

Fuck yes. Why catch heat for shit you don't have to catch heat for? Did I indict my rap requests.....maybe 30% of the time.
My favorite stories are from friends who told me they completey manipulated raps by making the most fraudulent, bizaaro, smoke screen rap requests they could think of every M/W/F. Come to think of it that may have been the only control we had of the school in 89'.



Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction?

No. And this is where the RMA mindfuckery long term detriment started to settle in to me psyche and manifest itself for me. I was a golden child there but in late challenge I got 100% choked up on being a big brother. It felt unnatural to me. Like Hugh Hefner being monogamous. I couldn't explain it. I understood it  but I just couldn't be a 'big brother', 'propheet/expedition support'. I felt guilty, I felt like an asshole, I felt fake, I felt like a betrayer for not being able to fulfill that role. I still feel bad for not being cool to the little brother assigned to me. I wanted to be his friend but I knew he wasn't going to be a programmie so I 'seized up'. He was a cool guy but he wasn't going to be a future RMA star. That scared me and threatend me. Wow, this feels wierd writing this down..... somehow being 'assigned' a 'best friend' freaked me the fuck out. And that stigma/mental block  never went away.


Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition?

No.


Did you ever make dorm head?

Yes. And I almost put my fist through Aaron's head for dipping knapkins in soy sauce and bringing them to the dorm. He was trying to piss me off and it worked.


Did you go to leadership conferences?

On campus - get out of a rap leadership conference? Maybe 1 of 4 I was eligible for.

Did you give parents' tours?

Yes, it was very awkward.


Did you ever dream about becoming staff?

In a fucked up bizarre cult way yes. Did I want to throw all the staff off the nearest cliff      -    yes.


Did you visit the campus after you graduated


Yes. Two times. I was in 1 rap and didn't open my mouth once. I completely seized up. It freaked me the fuck out. Everything about my visit freaked me the fuck out. Espically Randy Eide violently kicking a kid's wheelbarrow (who was on work detail near the field house) and swearing at the kid.

[blownawaytheidahoway]

Were you a loud-mouthed rebel?

I don't think I was 'loud mouthed' until after the brother's keeper propheet, when I learned that confronting my friends and younger students was how to be a friend to them. But I was a rebel at first, then it stopped, and after it was safe to come out again as my "real" self after the I and Me, (about two YEARS!) I was recognizably pro- program Ideology but, it was palatable that I was empathetic with the younger crowd, even enjoying the occasional Friday rap by choice, just so I could protect my little sisters, run my shit for as long as I could and keep the rap non- confrontational, (unless you were one of my rare "enemies" then God help you) go on about how the program was too long, and the isolation too great and the structure important, but far too ridged.

I was a mouthy rebel at the core, I just didn't recognize it at all that way...In fact when I went to answer the question, the answer was going to be NO.

Were you a kapo for the screws?

Yes, and No. Some of the few times I went to staff I didn't like, in peace, and like a beaten rat, I would scurry up and mention that one of their kids had been out of agreement. I ratted for the least likely possible reason: to make myself look good to the staff that already didn't like me! There was nothing to be gained from ratting on kids, It wouldn't help me, but I wanted it clear to BRUCE and CAROLINE that I was trying to help, that I cared about their program, that I wasn't worthy of being the focal point of their raps anymore. Agreements just weren't the issue at RMA, they were just the visible arbitrariness of the entirety of the program.

Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself?

I think this was the book I was rereading when I was put on bans from reading. And, unbelievably, there were no public copies of this important book. Was it unacceptable? Well, I tried to keep to myself, I was known to be on the "outside" in every activity that exist(ed)s, but by the end of the 30 MONTHS I was more interested in "leaving a legacy" and started to enjoy the god- like status of being in Summit.

How far up the leadership ladder did you climb? and once you were up there, didya like it?

I was urged to do more, but my ambitions just were to keep learning more about myself, being GOOD by THINKING I was a peice of shit and verbalizing how much I didn't trust the "giant" or the "king" inside of myself. I was completely focused on slaughtering every negative thought I would ever have again after I left...In other words, I would have been more leader- like, if I believed I was worthy of being perceived that way, but I just didn't. I wasn't worthy to be seen like those guys. In the middle school, the program did a good job of making me feel I was a snake, even if I was in agreement, that I was covering something awful up, even if I was working hard in raps and on work projects. I would never believe I was capable again, I thought. I put any leadership role I felt inside of myself way way way back on the backburner of my ambition. I  am honestly just coming out of this now.

Requesting for raps?

Ok. After I knew that I was going to graduate. After I BELIEVED what CEDU taught me, I requested staff only! From my IandME til graduation, I only requested staff for raps! To indict or to "support". I will give this much more thought. I was also fascinated with how the raps were put together, and I ALWAYS found it noteworthy that someone who didn't observe the program was the one who put the raps together. It was a job that parent communicators and bean counters at RMA did. Then Stacy or Caroline or whoever would go in and tweak it up. I always requested people for raps. For all sorts of reasons, sometimes just for stealthy reasons too. It did seem like one of the few things we were in control of...but we really weren't. They never let me voice my disdain for my accusers TO my accusers...And let's face it, after that much heart, money, energy and time, no one was going to tell me I couldn't run my shit at Caroline, when I was in summit! And so it became a game in my mind...I was scared shitless of her, but still wanted to talk to her in raps about how SHE had made me go on survival and SHE was responsible for me nearly going to a lockup for YEARS. Yeah, by the time thirty months was up ANY EMOTION I had, was correct, and acting upon emotions was encouraged. What a weird weird place.

Did you run someone's full-time or other kind of restriction?

Yes, as often as I was allowed. If I liked you I cushed it up, if I didn't, I was telling Mare you were jerking off under the booth.

Did you support in a propheet or on an expedition?

I supported in the Brother's of the peer group I had several little brothers in...I'll tell more later. Also I had to re examine my own "on the outside" mentality.

Did you ever make dorm head?

I don't think so. Like Castle, I even had a younger student be my dorm head while opted to stay support. the reasons for this do not escape me.

The last few questions look like the last chunk of my book, so I'll leave those alone, for the moment. Have a great day, peeps.

[try another castle]

Wow, this feels wierd writing this down..... somehow being 'assigned' a 'best friend' freaked me the fuck out. And that stigma/mental block never went away.

OMG, this is so terrible. I was talking about this very thing with someone a few days ago. I had a few unofficial little sisters, and I think only one official one.

She and I didn't get along, and I already didn't like her before I found out she was my little sister.

So whoever was doing the assignments came up to me and told me X was going to be my little sister.

I shit you not, this is pretty close to what I said:

"Oh,  man. FUCK. You have got to be fucking kidding me. This totally sucks."

The other girl looked at me as if I was crazy. I shocked myself by saying that.

Yet I got on the friends committee at some point. I still don't know what exactly that committee did.

[Psianide]

Were you a kapo for the screws?

?? I Dont know what that means

Actually, it's a mixed metaphor, because it is referencing two terms from different environments.

A Kapo is a concentration camp prisoner, usually either a criminal or a communist (green or red triangle.) who has been appointed by the commandants as a guard to keep the other prisoners in line. Most of them were brutal and as bad as the nazis were. It was incredibly rare for a jew or a homosexual to become a kapo, although there is a survivor book written by this one guy who was both, and was the only gay jewish prisoner to ever become a kapo at the camp. He was obviously nice to people and tried to steal food and supplies for everyone. (This is probably why people like that never became kapos.)

A screw is a prison guard. American term. "Turning someone in to the screws" meant that you snitched on another prisoner.

And no, I don't think anyone there was brutal like a kapo was, although a couple came close. Especially someone in my peer group. He was totally being groomed as power staff, but fortunately, he never went back, as far as I know.

Ok. my official answer is no then. I kept the agreements to whatever extent was necessary to keep the nazis off my own back.

[Psianide]

Were you like the donkey in animal farm and kept to yourself?

I think this was the book I was rereading when I was put on bans from reading. And, unbelievably, there were no public copies of this important book. Was it unacceptable? Well, I tried to keep to myself, I was known to be on the "outside" in every activity that exist(ed)s, but by the end of the 30 MONTHS I was more interested in "leaving a legacy" and started to enjoy the god- like status of being in Summit.

This was the shit that fucking killed me, and ultimately saved me from ever being an earnest believer in the program.

On bans from reading, and no copies of animal farm!?

My friends and I had an out of agreement book ring for a long time, where we would all exchange reading material that we brought in that either 1) we smuggled in, or 2) the staff were too goddamn uneducated to recognize.  I had a friend who brought Thus Spoke Zarathustra back from a homevisit and it got through legitimately because none of the staff there knew who Nietsche was!  My first exposure to Nietsche as well as the Beat poets and William Burroughs happened at NWA.  I guess I have something to be thankful for.

[try another castle]

Haha. That's nothing. A kid in one of my lit classes found a book on gestalt, and did his report on how mel didn't come up with what we did in raps and propheets, but that it actually originated with gestalt therapy.

They obviously confiscated that book after they found out. The teacher, by the way, was very pleased with his report. He was definitely one of the good ones.