Author Topic: seed loosing it's power over me!  (Read 4128 times)

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Offline NOT12NOW

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« on: January 19, 2007, 10:10:53 AM »
For most of my adult life I have had nightmares in which my parents were putting me back in the seed.  In these dreams, I have always been  desperate and helpless and despite the fact that as soon as I woke I knew what I dreamt was no real danger the nightmares left me shaken and often unable to get back to sleep but I've noticed a change in my seed dreams of late.  A few month ago I mentioned to my partner that I'd like to get to the point where I could remember during my dream that I was an adult now and that my parents did not have the power to commit me anymore.  Soon after my dreams started changing in subtle ways.   In a dream I had last week I had been re-admitted to the program. I was on my three nights and was still a teenager but I had an ally.  A man who knew I wanted to spend as little time there as was possible until I graduated.  He called and talked to the staff saying, I would be checking in with him instead of going to the seed sometimes then told me I had the day off.   I wasn't in any way suspicious of him. I had confidence that he was honestly covering for me.

Since then I have had several other seed dreams.  Dreams in which I try to help old friends who get sent into the program by warning them to keep a low profile.  Dreams in which I am in the program, going through the motions but with full knowledge that it's all bullshit, full knowledge that I am fooling them and feeling no fear.

I haven't had a dream yet were I realized I was an adult and could just walk out of the place but in my dream last night I chose clothing to wear to the seed in  my adult size not my twelve-year-old size.

I am getting there.  The seed is loosing its power over my psyche.  javascript:emoticon('8-)')
javascript:emoticon('8-)')
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
leveland chick 76-77

Offline Antigen

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2007, 04:05:29 PM »
Cool!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
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Offline Anonymous

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2007, 09:29:26 PM »
about five years ago I had a similar dream where I was tricked into going into some adult self improvement camp that ended up being a seed meeting for adults.  In my dream I laughed at the people and walked out.

Good going not12now.  The present is always a good time to kill your childhood demons.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline NOT12NOW

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2007, 05:32:29 AM »
Thanks guys.  It's so nice to have people who understand how that place gets into one and tries to hold on.  People who understand what a triumph it is to shrink the seed's power.

And guest, I day I dream I am in the seed and just walk out laughing, I am gonna do a friggin victory dance!!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline Anonymous

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2007, 02:46:49 PM »
jesus christ, it's about fucking time.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Antigen

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2007, 03:31:34 PM »
I used to have this recurring dream about the morning routine. I was an oldcomer and my daughters were newcomers. I was planning our escape but I had to be careful how much to let on. I wanted them to hang on to their minds but not give it away. And I worried that they'd be broken and snitch us out before I could pull it off if I let them know too much or that they'd believe my act and be brainwashed if I didn't clue them in enough.

That culminated in one very terrifying and vivid dream where I went incognito into this place I was researching at the time in real life, Character Inn in Indianapolis. There I found my daughter about halfway up the 14 story atrium, down on the floor polishing her way down an endless wooden banister. There was a moment of tension when she saw me and, thankfully, picked up on the idea that she'd better not let on.

Next thing, we're back in Pompano, having escaped somehow. We're at a spot near the beach where I used to go in the wee hours in my pre-program days just to watch the sun rise and get a little sanity break. We were looking for someone to hide us out for the daylight hours so we could sleep and plan our next move. I nice elderly couple agreed to let us crash in their condo or time share or something and we were just starting to walk toward the place when this SUV comes rolling up and two Straight staffers jump out wearing their Izod golf shirts and snide grins. They had rusted lengths of rebar in their hands and they proceeded to beat this elderly couple to death, laughing and taunting us all the while "You can't get away, nobody ever gets away. Now look what you made happen to these nice old people!...."

In real life at that time, my then 15yo daughter was not living at home. She had hooked up w/ a very controlling, abusive little fucker who I believe was a snitch for the local sheriff's drug task force. Just about every detail of the dream was fairly direct allegory to what was troubling my mind in those days. And it was impetus for me to go full on w/ both barrels against the entire toughlove hate group movement.

And words just can't relay how thankful I am to every person who has contributed in so many different ways to that effort. Even the trolls and unapologetic program apologists do their part.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline Fire Swamp

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2007, 04:03:22 PM »
Quote from: ""Cassandra""
Even the trolls . . . do their part.

Bloody well right we do!  :flame:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2007, 10:18:21 PM »
it was cool to read this... I've experienced the same dream in variable ways about CEDU as 12 and Cass for Seed.

It is scary.

I've analyzed CEDU a lot and I realized recently one of the long term effects. It taught me not to trust myself. When you don't trust your gut and yourself you can't have healthy boundaries.  When you don't have healthy boundaries, you misplace trust in others who don't deserve it.  And this has had tremendous ramifications in my life. *TREMENDOUS.

I've lost a lot due to not trusting myself.  I can't recover what I've lost, but I can move forward.  

Shanlea
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline GregFL

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2007, 12:50:48 PM »
This is exactly what we were taught in the seed...that we were powerless failures that needed the seed for our very survival...that we would inevitably fail and lead miserable lives if we ever left the seed and while we were miserable failures the seed songs would play in a horid loop within our heads reminding us of our failure to do the right thing....that we could never leave and be successfull because we were damaged goods.

I rejected the seed but the indoctrination did not leave so easily.  I was left, as Shanlea said, mistrusting and even disliking myself and had my family torn apart in the process.

I too had many seed dreams over the years but they have almost gone away.  I didnīt log in but posted above about my dream where I laughed and walked away from the adult 'seed' meeting.  I believe that is symbolic of what has really happened in my life, that I have finally as a middle aged adult walked away from the negativism and cutlism I was exposed to at age 14. Nowadays the rare dreams are framed in weird expressions of what I went thru and do not involve me as powerless but rather as an observer of the bizzare alternate reality that these programs suck you into.

 In no small part I thank everyone who participates and participated in these forums.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Stripe

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2007, 03:33:47 PM »
It sure is nice to see yourself healing from experience now instead of reliving it when you are supposed to be resting isn't it?  There's lots to be said for the value of working out in the dreamscape.  

I had weirdo dreams over the years, too.  Full of violence and fear,  that's about all I remember.  I never thought to look at the symoblisim of my seed dreams in one of those dream-meaning books.  It might make some entertaining reading.

Not12, I'm so glad to read that you are doing so well.  It's amazing what happens to us when the devil of the experience is finally let go. Personally, for me, even as painful as it was, it's a much better "feeling" than any feeling I ever got from the creepy place.

And by the way, sweet dreams tonight and everynight.  To all of you.

Stripe
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
The person who stands up and says, ``This is stupid,\'\' either is asked to `behave\' or, worse, is greeted with a cheerful ``Yes, we know! Isn\'t it terrific ?\'\' -- Frank Zappa

Offline Antigen

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2007, 02:50:29 AM »
Quote from: ""Guest""
I've analyzed CEDU a lot and I realized recently one of the long term effects. It taught me not to trust myself. When you don't trust your gut and yourself you can't have healthy boundaries. When you don't have healthy boundaries, you misplace trust in others who don't deserve it. And this has had tremendous ramifications in my life. *TREMENDOUS.

Shanlea


You are so damned insightful! I couldn't have put it half so well on my best day.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline Anonymous

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2007, 06:59:03 AM »
C, I've thought the same about you a thousand times.  

And unfortunately, my insight came with a steep, steep price.

Shanlea
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Offline Antigen

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seed loosing it's power over me!
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2007, 02:58:17 PM »
:oops:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
"Don\'t let the past remind us of what we are not now."
~ Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Sweet Judy Blue Eyes

Offline Anonymous

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dreams, recurrent and otherwise
« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2007, 03:24:21 PM »
on the subject of dreams... i too suffered many years of  frequent nightmare, and many years of sleep disturbance.. the effects of sleep deprivation are profound and can be very long lasting.. also too (louisiana parlance) how many of you are aware of damage to the amygala ( brain structure( that commonly results from prolonged abuse.. the younger the subject, the more profound the injury.. comments,please
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