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Offline blownawaytheidahoway

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alia23
« Reply #90 on: November 07, 2007, 07:17:04 AM »
how come I can't PM you?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Life is a very wonderful thing.\' said Dr. Branom... \'The processes of life, the make- up of the human organism, who can fully understand these miracles?... What is happening to you now is what should happen to any normal healthy human organism...You are being made sane, you are being made healthy.
     \'That I will not have, \' I said, \'nor can understand at all. What you\'ve been doing is to make me feel very very ill.\'
                         -Anthony Burgess
                      A Clockwork Orange

Offline try another castle

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Re: alia23
« Reply #91 on: November 07, 2007, 09:17:17 AM »
Quote from: ""blownawaytheidahoway""
how come I can't PM you?


who are you trying to pm?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline AuntieEm

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #92 on: November 07, 2007, 12:18:24 PM »
Please keep yourselves safe when you decide to explore old journals, notebooks, or otherwise re-live the experience. May I suggest you tell a therapist or trusted friend that you intend to do this. (I hope you have someone who fits that criteria.) Ask him or her to check on you. I would hope you would not do this without a support system of some kind.

I find your stories traumatic and I didn't live them. Please take care of yourselves.


AuntieEm
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Offline blownawaytheidahoway

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #93 on: November 07, 2007, 01:20:50 PM »
a valid concern, it always kicks up shit. every day I visit this stupid addicting website.
know you peeps can use me as a therapist. I'll advise practical revenge scheme solutions, and wiley smeer campaigning and mudslinging.

Happiness is a warm yes it is...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Life is a very wonderful thing.\' said Dr. Branom... \'The processes of life, the make- up of the human organism, who can fully understand these miracles?... What is happening to you now is what should happen to any normal healthy human organism...You are being made sane, you are being made healthy.
     \'That I will not have, \' I said, \'nor can understand at all. What you\'ve been doing is to make me feel very very ill.\'
                         -Anthony Burgess
                      A Clockwork Orange

Offline blownawaytheidahoway

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #94 on: November 07, 2007, 01:21:26 PM »
a valid concern, it always kicks up shit. every day I visit this stupid addicting website.
know you peeps can use me as a therapist. I'll advise practical revenge scheme solutions, and wiley smeer campaigning and mudslinging.

Happiness is a warm yes it is...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Life is a very wonderful thing.\' said Dr. Branom... \'The processes of life, the make- up of the human organism, who can fully understand these miracles?... What is happening to you now is what should happen to any normal healthy human organism...You are being made sane, you are being made healthy.
     \'That I will not have, \' I said, \'nor can understand at all. What you\'ve been doing is to make me feel very very ill.\'
                         -Anthony Burgess
                      A Clockwork Orange

Offline suesu

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I have so much info on staff that pulled criminal shit
« Reply #95 on: November 10, 2007, 01:56:49 AM »
I want to get something started from others that were abused in serious manners from the staff at RMA.I have legit proof of the staff that fucked with me and wonder how many others are out there and what we could do legally.
I also know of and witnessed staff doing all sorts of drugs while I was a "student".
I could give a shit what these people do but we were already being screwed with enough weren't we?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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aisedbyawildpackofinsainexhippies

Offline blownawaytheidahoway

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no. I'm still here forever.
« Reply #96 on: November 10, 2007, 09:42:50 AM »
PEOPLE: keep coming. keep sharing. keep replying. the support that i've found from my friends (entirely made up of people I never or hardly even talked to in program) on this website is priceless. I so appreciate that people are continuing to find this forum.
The mind games at RMA and CEDU were especially "respected" for a long time, there is no doubt that in many cases, and with combined personal histories, that that therapeutic quackery CAUSED lasting HARM.

You know what I actually feel right now, for the first time in a long time...



Forgiveness






Grace.





And god it feels creepy- even











LOVE
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Life is a very wonderful thing.\' said Dr. Branom... \'The processes of life, the make- up of the human organism, who can fully understand these miracles?... What is happening to you now is what should happen to any normal healthy human organism...You are being made sane, you are being made healthy.
     \'That I will not have, \' I said, \'nor can understand at all. What you\'ve been doing is to make me feel very very ill.\'
                         -Anthony Burgess
                      A Clockwork Orange

Offline Anonymous

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #97 on: November 10, 2007, 06:48:37 PM »
that's pretty amazing.  I am really happy for you.  Being lied to, betrayed and abandoned by your own family then punished for the justifiable rage it brings is no small thing.  I have really appreciated your writing and hope to see more of it.  Its hard when you realize that even if you reconcile with the family that betrayed you, things can never be the same as the were or could have been.  I hope you continue to heal and process things.  I know your comments and writing have helped other people be able to speak out too. ::cheers::
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Offline dishdutyfugitive

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #98 on: November 11, 2007, 01:55:46 AM »
Inspiring
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Offline blownawaytheidahoway

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we are the threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee amigos
« Reply #99 on: November 11, 2007, 05:34:42 AM »
Quote from: ""dishdutyfugitive""
Inspiring



"NED NEIDERLANDER
my favorite shtar, when I was little i would see all you pictures, i was most inshpired!"
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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Life is a very wonderful thing.\' said Dr. Branom... \'The processes of life, the make- up of the human organism, who can fully understand these miracles?... What is happening to you now is what should happen to any normal healthy human organism...You are being made sane, you are being made healthy.
     \'That I will not have, \' I said, \'nor can understand at all. What you\'ve been doing is to make me feel very very ill.\'
                         -Anthony Burgess
                      A Clockwork Orange

Offline stina

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #100 on: November 13, 2007, 10:49:30 PM »
Quote from: ""alia23""
i dont want to be a killer, but i dont know what i want to be.  cedu robbed me of that time in my life, the time that people think about their lives, try to decide what they want, who they want to be.  the fucking dreams propheet.  i felt like Vanessa in Freeway - o you want to hear more of my innermost fucking secrets?  they stole our dreams.  so now i am done hiding things from myself. i am done letting others tell me who/what i can/can't be.  i will allow myself the time to decide slowly, i will be the nurturing loving parent to myself that i never had.  i will brainwash myself with kindness and goodness and love and help myself be all that i can be which will not a include a soldier or a corporate automoton.

Alia, I so hear what you're saying. Those years where you're supposed to be dreaming and thinking about who and what you want to be, what career you want to go into, the life you want to build for yourself, I spent that time hauling wood around or digging out ponds or building rock walls in ridiculously cold temperatures. By the time I got out, I tried Jr. college and couldn't focus, I ended up dropping out because I was sooooooo bored and didn't have any kind of goals. Plus I had very little practice sitting in a classroom. I don't regret it though, it gave me time to tour with the Grateful Dead until Jerry died. But I would always compare myself to friends who seemed to be where I was supposed to be. I'm 32 now and was lucky to be kind of pushed into getting my real estate license and in the last month I landed a good job that hopefully will launch my "career". I still don't feel like an adult though. But it's ok.

And yes, the fucking dreams propheet. Fuck. My negative statement was "you're right dad, I'm worthless" Over and over and over again. That was one of the hardest ones to deal with.

I think at some point we have to forgive our parents (or at least let go of the pain/abuse/anguish of all of it). I really believe that giving that kind of stuff energy keeps it in control of you. We do need to nurture ourselves. And brainwash ourselves with kindness and love. But I also believe that there's a need to address what's holding us back, and I think that's a big reason a lot of us come here.

Quote from: ""alia23""
amen?  (for those of you who don't pray or don't know, amen means 'let it be done' or 'i stand in agreement with that comment'  so dont worry i have absolutely no interest in any of you becomming christian.  i use amen like slang.  why should religions be the only ones who get to use it?)


AMEN!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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I used to be Snow White but I drifted.

Offline stina

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #101 on: November 13, 2007, 10:52:08 PM »
Quote from: ""AuntieEm""
Please keep yourselves safe when you decide to explore old journals, notebooks, or otherwise re-live the experience. May I suggest you tell a therapist or trusted friend that you intend to do this. (I hope you have someone who fits that criteria.) Ask him or her to check on you. I would hope you would not do this without a support system of some kind.

I find your stories traumatic and I didn't live them. Please take care of yourselves.


AuntieEm


You seem like an amazing woman. Will you be my aunt too?
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I used to be Snow White but I drifted.

Offline stina

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Re: no. I'm still here forever.
« Reply #102 on: November 13, 2007, 10:55:59 PM »
Quote from: ""blownawaytheidahoway""
You know what I actually feel right now, for the first time in a long time...



Forgiveness






Grace.





And god it feels creepy- even











LOVE


I'm so glad. And I'm so glad that we've found eachother again. You know how sometimes things just fall into place? That's how I feel about all of this. I'm happy that you're finding some kind of peace and I'm happy that we're in eachother's lives again.
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I used to be Snow White but I drifted.

Offline try another castle

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blownawaytheidahoway
« Reply #103 on: November 13, 2007, 10:59:29 PM »
fuck, I don't even remember that negative statement part of the dreams (otherwise known as the "what the FUCK was that all about?" propheet.) and I certainly don't remember what mine was.

What I do remember were the nightmares we had to draw of ourselves with black crayon. It felt like we had to look at them for hours. Then we went around and looked at everyone else's. I remember one person in my peer group, who always got a lot of flack for being "hard" and tough, (despite the fact that he was actually a rather sweet guy, he just had muscles and liked to lift weights), had one of the most disturbing drawings I had ever seen. He basically drew his head as a cube, i.e. a block of stone. It creeped me the fuck out, because it was the most hateful self-portrait I had ever seen.

Then Bruce yelled at me in the rap afterwards about my own nightmare drawing, saying "Yeah, that's your nightmare. A fucking witch!" Yet another issue staff continued to bring up with me throughout my entire stay there. God forbid should anyone at that school have pagan beliefs. As everyone knows, "religion" is one of the summit/lifespring false belief balloons.
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Offline stina

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Bruce - RMA
« Reply #104 on: November 13, 2007, 11:41:07 PM »
I have something to say about Bruce that I've kept to myself for a long long time. I seemed to be the only person who had bad feelings about him while I was at RMA, and so was submissively bullied into keeping my opinions to myself. But I am not a big fan. I was in a rap with him in the first few months I was there and he kept harping on me that I must have had some molestation in my past because I'd "been such a slut" before coming to the school. And I kind of remembered some abuse like that (not worth going into here, because, really, what does it matter...i don't know if anything like that happened to me, I just have issues with men and that could have come from anywhere). But I told him in that rap that my father had molested me. And it wasn't true. And I ran my shit about it and carried it with me for months before coming clean and saying that it never happened. Plus I had to talk to my dad about it on his first visit with a counselor there, which killed him. But after I told the truth I got reamed by two girls who shall remain unnamed because I had lied about it and they had actually gone through it and I was a bad person, etc. I actually carry that with me to this day that I lied about that and caused harm. I have a little self hatred for that.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
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I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
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