Author Topic: blownawaytheidahoway (Read 26502 times)

dishdutyfugitive · « **Reply #105 on:** November 13, 2007, 11:42:51 PM »

dude - the dreams propheet (including the month before it and 2 months after it are probably the worst 3 months I remember at RMA). The long, cold, dark winter days at the farm. Randy being Randy and going through the Dreams? Bad times my friend, bad times. I never thought Quest would end. I despised the older students graduating at that time.

That reminds me of my discovery (canoe trip) preparatory day trip. Towards the end of the day they put us on a 1 hour solo near a bitchin creek that was beggin to be swam in. Of course the rules included no swimming during the solo.

I remember sitting there thinking this is so gay. People like Tom Waters trying to get all 'Thoreau' on me - this is bullshit! "Why does everything that RMA plans/makes/designs have to be so retarded"? Sitting there frustrated that I was a hostage at "year round dipshit camp in the Idaho woods" got my blood boiling. After working myself into a combat grade lather I eventually snapped. The kind of snap you dreamt of every day at RMA. You know the kind of snap I'm talking about - where you daydream of things like smoking in the walk in refrigerator while eating as many saturday night deserts possible. So I looked to the horizon and said, "fuck it, dishduty's going for a pleasant afternoon swim whether Tom Waters likes it or not". For 1 brief shining moment dishduty became solorulesfugitive.

It felt very liberating.

I was somehow caught and soon enough the day trip was over and we were heading back to RMA. I desperately clung on to the liberating moment as it quickly slipped through my hands during the van ride home.

I bought myself a solid week or two of work details and senseless yelling about disrespecting my upcoming solo. I still went on my discovery. And you can be damn sure I took great pride in doing my bunsen burner camping stove dishes.

dishdutyfugitive · « **Reply #106 on:** November 13, 2007, 11:46:17 PM »

I wasn't fond of Bruce and he definitely wasn't fond of me. I don't think he ever indicited me. Maybe in the Dreams when he had no choice.

We'd walk past eachother on campus and he'd always look at me with the biggest 'hand in the cookie jar' look ever.

stina · « **Reply #107 on:** November 13, 2007, 11:48:30 PM »

I forgot to say that I take complete responsibility for it. I was in control of my own actions. It's not that I blame him, I just have some resentment regarding the whole thing. I can remember the rap where I was called out with complete clarity (which is unusual). It was brutal. I felt awful about the whole thing.

stina · « **Reply #108 on:** November 14, 2007, 12:13:13 AM »

Quote from: ""try another castle""

What I do remember were the nightmares we had to draw of ourselves with black crayon. It felt like we had to look at them for hours.

I remember the black crayon. Jesus. That drawing is probably still sitting in my dreams journal.

stina · « **Reply #109 on:** November 14, 2007, 12:18:55 AM »

Quote from: ""dishdutyfugitive""

The kind of snap you dreamt of every day at RMA. You know the kind of snap I'm talking about - where you daydream of things like smoking in the walk in refrigerator while eating as many saturday night deserts possible.

ROFLMAO

absolutely

stina · « **Reply #110 on:** November 14, 2007, 12:54:13 AM »

Quote from: ""dishdutyfugitive""

I wasn't fond of Bruce and he definitely wasn't fond of me.

Check this out...you know how everyone gains some weight at RMA, whatever. So we were doing our scrapbooks and my girls had a bunch of pictures of all of us, and we were PG 41!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever. Bruce had a part in cutting out all my pictures, and he made me overly pear shaped. Ok, so pretend you have a full length picture of me and made my arms and legs skinny but gave me big thighs and big hips. Which was completely inaccurate, I look back at photos of myself and it wasn't like that, I wasn't necessarily thin, but I surely didn't look like that, I was always pretty proportionate. But he decided it would be funny or whatever. He always seemed like he was super gentle and loving, except with me. And I always used to wonder what was wrong with me that he didn't see potential in me. He sucks. Hard.

stina · « **Reply #111 on:** November 14, 2007, 02:58:13 AM »

I want to share something with all of you, because I'm not really concerned with anonymity necessarily. I had a major anxiety attack 2 weeks ago, and I could go into detail with past shit, but I feel it's unnecessary right now. I found a psychiatrist on my insurance plan who opened her door to me wearing an old school Leucadia tiedied shirt and made me feel completely welcome. I've never been diagnosed anything before, and I thought I would resent it, but it actually was really helpful. So apparently I'm bi-polar type 2, with ocd and panic disorder. And now I'm taking low doses of klonopin, and all of a sudden my life is a huge success, seriously. I always wondered why I had these ups and downs, nothing was ever stable for me, and now, I feel good, no anxiety about anything, I'm kicking ass at my job, and she's also referred me to a clinical therapist so that I can work through my shit, cause I don't want to be on these drugs forever. But honestly, it's like I feel like normal (?) healthy people feel. And I used to abuse these pills, self medication or whatever, but I have no desire to get high from them anymore. It really is amazing. So just wanted to share that. Just what's going on with me.

AuntieEm · « **Reply #112 on:** November 14, 2007, 11:53:35 AM »

Stina wrote:

Quote

AuntieEm wrote:
Quote
Please keep yourselves safe when you decide to explore old journals, notebooks, or otherwise re-live the experience. May I suggest you tell a therapist or trusted friend that you intend to do this. (I hope you have someone who fits that criteria.) Ask him or her to check on you. I would hope you would not do this without a support system of some kind.

I find your stories traumatic and I didn't live them. Please take care of yourselves.

AuntieEm

You seem like an amazing woman. Will you be my aunt too?

Well, dang, that made my day. Sure, Stina, how nice of you to ask. And I needed your kind gesture today.

It's been very rough going lately -- it now looks like we may not see our niece for several more years. They appear to be grooming her parents for one of the "finishing schools" for 18-24 year olds.

Auntie Em

try another castle · « **Reply #113 on:** November 14, 2007, 11:56:49 AM »

Quote from: ""AuntieEm""

Stina wrote:
Quote
AuntieEm wrote:
Quote
Please keep yourselves safe when you decide to explore old journals, notebooks, or otherwise re-live the experience. May I suggest you tell a therapist or trusted friend that you intend to do this. (I hope you have someone who fits that criteria.) Ask him or her to check on you. I would hope you would not do this without a support system of some kind.

I find your stories traumatic and I didn't live them. Please take care of yourselves.

AuntieEm

You seem like an amazing woman. Will you be my aunt too?

Well, dang, that made my day. Sure, Stina, how nice of you to ask. And I needed your kind gesture today.

It's been very rough going lately -- it now looks like we may not see our niece for several more years. They appear to be grooming her parents for one of the "finishing schools" for 18-24 year olds.

Auntie Em

*headdesk* *facepalm* *fistwall*

Anonymous · « **Reply #114 on:** November 14, 2007, 11:56:51 AM »

whoa. did you just find this out?

Anonymous · « **Reply #115 on:** November 14, 2007, 11:58:03 AM »

It's gotta be Benchmark right? or that thingie in Colorado? what's it called?

AuntieEm · « **Reply #116 on:** November 14, 2007, 12:28:57 PM »

Castle wrote:

Quote

*headdesk* *facepalm* *fistwall*

How did you know? It was just like that.

I don't know which one, but go to the (gawdfabid) NATSAP web site and the Program Directory Search http://http://www.natsap.org/search.asp. Then you type in Idaho, boarding school, and young adult 18 and older, and you get Clearview Horizon in Sandpoint, and Innercept in Coer D'Alene.

My money's on Innercept http://http://www.innercept.net/ because it looks expensive, and guess who's listed as the Executive Contact? (Air sickness bag is located in the seat pocket in front of you...) George Ullrich, M.D., who was the consulting phychiatrist at BCA until about 3 months ago. The web site copy will creep you out, guaranteed.

I don't even know if the parents see it coming. I heard "She's college material," and "Of course, it will have to be a college that can accomodate her needs." Then about 18 hours later I woke up crying because I realized what that meant. Her parents have been mainlining the Koolaid for almost 2 years now. BCA must love them.

Who is it on this site who was sent to "finishing school"? Was that you, Castle? Or Psy?

Auntie Em

dishdutyfugitive · « **Reply #117 on:** November 14, 2007, 12:57:12 PM »

forced Finishing school?

This shit never ends.....

stina · « **Reply #118 on:** November 14, 2007, 02:56:46 PM »

Quote from: ""AuntieEm""

Well, dang, that made my day. Sure, Stina, how nice of you to ask. And I needed your kind gesture today.

It's been very rough going lately -- it now looks like we may not see our niece for several more years. They appear to be grooming her parents for one of the "finishing schools" for 18-24 year olds.

Auntie Em

Jesus, I'm sorry to hear that. One way or another she'll be ok, and she's lucky to have you in her corner. If there's anything we can do...

stina · « **Reply #119 on:** November 14, 2007, 10:17:32 PM »

Quote from: ""AuntieEm""

It's been very rough going lately -- it now looks like we may not see our niece for several more years. They appear to be grooming her parents for one of the "finishing schools" for 18-24 year olds.

Auntie Em

Have her parents said that she won't be able to see all of you (the rest of her family) when she eventually comes on a home visit?

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