Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > Benchmark Young Adult School / Benchmark Transitions
ST Cluelessness
exhausted:
Nihilanthic, although I understand why you are so against the programs, I've read enough here to fully understand, and I've only scratched the surface of this site.....You alos have to understand there is always a flip side, having been one of those kids who was 'thrown away' an inconvenience, whatever you want to call it, I am also a parent who spends all day and most the nights in absolute torment with worry as to what's going to happen to my children because of their behaviour, the phone ringing, the door knocking sends me into a state of anxiety you wouldn't belive, because I am so certain that this time they've been hurt or killed - I literally wait for it to happen 24/7, I can honestly say I haven't relaxed for years and years, because I care about my kids
It's not a case of the kids can't do right for doing wrong, they do do things right, of course they do and I always thank them and make sure they know I've noticed every small thing, but, I only have a limit as to how much I can take, people aren't designed to take 24 hour stress like I do, something will give eventually, this doesn't make my kids the devils spawn, nor does it make me a melodramatic over reacting parent, it makes me human
Although I am willing to tough this out with my kids, I didn't bring them into this world for someone else to take care of them, thats my job, I still need to go out, I still need to have some sort of life and release from the constant aggro that goes round in my head, people end up haviung strokes with stress like I have....what good would I be to my kids then?
We all know here that my 19 yr old is going to HAVE to leave the house before all of us end up in mental institutions, he doesn't want to go, he says it'll screw him up, so do I keep him here and risk everyone's well being? I'm sorry to have to use the word, but he IS manipulating me with emmotional blackmail
I haven't taken any of what you said personally, I am simply speaking as someone who would have had her 3 boys in a program a couple of years back if they were available in this country, thankfully they're not, because I just know I would have done it if the option had been there, I certainly wasn't clued up to how some of these places work a couple fo years ago - to me I'd have slept at night pretty sure in the knowledge I'd done the right thing for all of us, not just me, not just them, but for everyone concerned
I hope this brings some perspective on how it works in the mind of a parent of a child who is way out of control
Thanks for reading
Anonymous:
Your 19-year-old is a man grown. He has to act like one. Be sure to tell him that, and just say it flat. Remind him that he won't have to put up with you anymore.
Your younger kids are unruly teenagers. There's no miracle cure for this, no super effective therapy that's going to turn them into something else, and the snake oil that your programmie friends on ST have bought into is guaranteed to make things worse.
Also, they are going to respond to what they see you doing. See what I mean when I say you have to accept your boys as what they are, or at least not react to it? The more you freak out about it, the more they're going to react, and the worse things are going to get. Chill out. Laugh about it, even! "I have a pair of unruly teenagers, and it's my business to make sure they don't get themselves fucked up." Forget all the sadistic nonsense about wanting to keep them under tight control or beat them with a cane- I bet you've said something like that in their presence, haven't you? Great way to up the hate meter, that is. That entire train of thinking leads right off a cliff.
They haven't been listening to what you've been saying and they're not going to suddenly start now. But if you can limit yourself to "I don't want to see you getting fucked up on alcohol or drugs and I don't want to see you fail school, and I don't care about the rest of it", and mean it, they might listen to that.
exhausted:
Milk I tell them that all the time, I'm always teling them how desperately woprried about them I am, because I don't want them to screw up their lives
I don't freak out on them, I ignore the bad behaviour nowadays because I am simply too exhausted to scream at them anymore, but it doesn't stop me worrying like mad 24/7 - they are just children who are putting themselves in an extremely dangerous situation, i am their mother, I am supposed to protect them from doing so
And yes, you are spot on when you say they've heard me say I'm going to beat them with a cane, actually it was a belt, hell I even carried the threat out a couple of times when I was absolutely despairing, I soon gave up on that, it made everyone feel like crap and made no difference whatsoever, so there's no point (see I really do only do honsesty)
Try to understand though that as a parent, I can't just let them go their merry way making other people's lives hell, including their own and sit back and laugh at it, that's not being a parent, it's just hoping they'll eventually grow out of it, i cannot live with myself in a few years time when they are junkies, dossers, in jail, no hoper losers, knowing I just sat back & watched it a happen, all unfold in front of my very eyes and I did nothing to try & stop them?
I don't think they'll thank me much for being so goddamn lazy that I didn't at least try to put them on the straight and narrow
And all kids need rules and boundaries and a certain amount of control, they are simpluy not mature enough to be making decisions that affect the rest of their lives without some guidance, the decisions they're making right now are only going to hinder them in later life and they will resent me for not even trying to face them in a different direction....this is as much about me and how I would feel if anything bad happens as much as how they would feel, I don't aks much for them, just standards, morals and a happy life, which they won't have if I let them continue as they are.
Anonymous:
--- Quote ---they are simpluy not mature enough to be making decisions that affect the rest of their lives without some guidance
--- End quote ---
Haven't you gotten it through your head yet? Hasn't it been pointed out enough times?
They. Already. Are.
We're talking about kids who are leaving the house for hours, days at a time. They're not fucking coming home until midnight and you're worried about their fucking bedtimes? Exactly how much cognitive dissonance are you experiencing here?
I mean, if you take a pair of unruly, destructive teenagers, where Option A is going out with their friends all night long where they at least have the illusion of supreme independence, and Option B is to come home to you prattling on about standards and morals and worry and treating them like little children, what the fuck do you think they're going to do?! They're openly rejecting you and everything you have to say to them, and you're making it easy for them! And the more you bloody push, the harder they're going to push back, until either you do something irrevocable that's going to turn them against you forever (programs are included in this, but there's other things as well that I'd rather not describe) or you snap like a twig!
Forget what you want! Deal in reality instead!
Nihilanthic:
--- Quote from: ""exhausted"" ---Nihilanthic, although I understand why you are so against the programs, I've read enough here to fully understand, and I've only scratched the surface of this site.....You alos have to understand there is always a flip side, having been one of those kids who was 'thrown away' an inconvenience, whatever you want to call it, I am also a parent who spends all day and most the nights in absolute torment with worry as to what's going to happen to my children because of their behaviour, the phone ringing, the door knocking sends me into a state of anxiety you wouldn't belive, because I am so certain that this time they've been hurt or killed - I literally wait for it to happen 24/7, I can honestly say I haven't relaxed for years and years, because I care about my kids
It's not a case of the kids can't do right for doing wrong, they do do things right, of course they do and I always thank them and make sure they know I've noticed every small thing, but, I only have a limit as to how much I can take, people aren't designed to take 24 hour stress like I do, something will give eventually, this doesn't make my kids the devils spawn, nor does it make me a melodramatic over reacting parent, it makes me human
Although I am willing to tough this out with my kids, I didn't bring them into this world for someone else to take care of them, thats my job, I still need to go out, I still need to have some sort of life and release from the constant aggro that goes round in my head, people end up haviung strokes with stress like I have....what good would I be to my kids then?
We all know here that my 19 yr old is going to HAVE to leave the house before all of us end up in mental institutions, he doesn't want to go, he says it'll screw him up, so do I keep him here and risk everyone's well being? I'm sorry to have to use the word, but he IS manipulating me with emmotional blackmail
I haven't taken any of what you said personally, I am simply speaking as someone who would have had her 3 boys in a program a couple of years back if they were available in this country, thankfully they're not, because I just know I would have done it if the option had been there, I certainly wasn't clued up to how some of these places work a couple fo years ago - to me I'd have slept at night pretty sure in the knowledge I'd done the right thing for all of us, not just me, not just them, but for everyone concerned
I hope this brings some perspective on how it works in the mind of a parent of a child who is way out of control
Thanks for reading
--- End quote ---
There are two things you need to keep in mind
1. You are the exception. Also, they work by making people THINK they are in your position, when they're not. That would be the 'punch'...
2. If you are as well intended as you say you are, you would have pulled them out before too long when you realized being kept incommunicado is not therapy and there's something wrong if they automatically say your child will lie to get out.
Thats why you're not a program parent, basically. There are ways to get kids in the UK into a program, and if you really wanted to you could have.
And yes, I understand that these programs prey on people emotionally, parents included - but if a grown adult falls for this shit, sends their own offspring somewhere out of contact, and lets them drive a wedge, break trust, and believes in the "dont listen to them dont pull them out its MANIPULATION" bullshit, then they are guilty of negligence, PERIOD.
I understand your defence of yourself but... I'm not "going after parents". I'm going after people who let this happen through negligence or actively do it to children.
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