Treatment Abuse, Behavior Modification, Thought Reform > The Ridge Creek School / Hidden Lake Academy

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AtomicAnt:

--- Quote ---And above all, make sure they know you love them no matter what. Parenting is no walk in the park, but its rewards are enormous.

--- End quote ---

I agree with this whole heartedly. I think any kid that feels loved and valued will turn out okay.

The strict thing depends on the kid. When my son began acting up at an early age (2.5 or 3 years), I felt the same way. My wife and I began to 'crack the whip.' So to speak. The marriage was failing and I think this had a lot to do with it, but it turned out that the more we disciplined, the more our son fought back. He was violent, refused to stay in one place for time outs, and was expelled from a dozen day care situations. He was expelled from one kindergarden.

At first, the more difficult he became, the more we tried to stop it. We resorted to psychologists and CSTs (Child Study Teams) and they only told us to do the same things were doing.

The breakthrough came when I realized we had a war going on with our son which was a constant battle of escalation. He does something, we punish. Instead of getting the message, he seeks revenge. He was learning nothing and we were getting nowhere and running out of options. We could only escalate so far before running into the boundaries of abuse, after all.

So, I did the opposite. I dropped all punishment completely and focused on positive reinforcement and the idea that if he feels loved and valued it would all work out. It did. It only took a couple of weeks before he settle down and our relationship took off.

For three years now, I have not punished him at all; ever. I empathize, I advise. I relate to him respectfully as a person. It is working. He has had no problems throughout 2nd and 3rd grade and returned straight As on his last two report cards. He is now 9 years old.

He's not perfect and he's more assertive and self-assured than many adults would like to see, but I like his confident, assured personality. Best of all, he has learned to trust me implicitly. He listens and responds very well.

RobertBruce:

--- Quote ---On 2006-05-29 18:15:00, SHH wrote:

"I think alot of parenting issues are when parents decide they need to start disciplining the kids when they turn 13. It doesnt work that way. Make sure your kid knows you mean business from age 6 months. Make sure your kid knows No means No, back up your consequence threats with real consequences, and make sure your kid knows the boundaries and what happens when they cross them. Make sure they show others respect, and make sure you set a good example. Make sure you dont give them every single material thing they want just because you can afford it, And above all, make sure they know you love them no matter what. Parenting is no walk in the park, but its rewards are enormous. I am proud of the fact that I was strict with my son from an early age. He got compliments on how he behaved, how polite he was (please and thank you), and at the age of 10 now all I need to do when he starts doing something unacceptable is change my tone of voice and thats all it takes to get him to settle down and do what has been asked of him. He and I have a wonderful close relationship. He is a bright, funny, sweet, loving child. Being tough in the beginning makes it far easier when they get older. "

--- End quote ---


Given the style of tough love you endorsed and supported I doubt your child is as balanced as you think. When are you going to answer those questions?

Anonymous:
Heres my soution, its called Talk to your fucking kids and work on your own interpersonal issues along with you child therapy.  Its really difficult because it requires being open minded and admitting that you arent right all the time and that your lifestyle choices that you try to enforce may not be  working for your kids.  It also involves actually finding out wy your kids do what they do and not just blaming the scapegoat of the month.  It may also involve going to joint therapy sessions with your kid administered by a therapist that you both agree on.

Anonymous:
Between SSH amd Atomic Ant I bet my money on the Antster.  SSH you say your kid is 10...going to be interesting to see how "good" he is when he hits the teen years and starts to think for himself.  I am a parent too with but grown kids so I have seen what works even though each child is different.  What works best 1) Treat your children with respect so that they respect themselves and others, not just "behave" so their parents get pats on the back from the neighbors. That means respecting their boundaries.  You teach your children how to say no by allowing them to say no as well and respecting that.  For instance, if you want to hug your child and he says no, respect that, don't force it. 2) be reasonable about forced "consequences" because you could back yourself into a corner and it becomes a power struggle, which you will always win until your child becomes a teenager.  It is good to have dialogs about natural consequences to awaken their awareness about natural cause and effect. 3.) Your child needs to feel that you are on his/her side, right or wrong.  That even if he behaves against the grain you are still on his side.  This does not mean you will tell him wrong is right or condone what is truly wrong but that you will be there for him. If you accomplish this then you can build a relaitionship of trust in which your child will confide in you if there is a problem and that should be the gold standard for all parenting. 4) If you are in conflict iwth the other parent do not, under any circumstances EVER put your child in the middle.  No matter how much of a jerk, bitch etc. you think the other parent is, your child is part of each of you and anytime you attack or put down the other parent you are doing the same to your child.  Your issues
with your spouse are not his issues with his parent. 5)If you ever feel like a failure as a parent (and you will) don't EVER articulate it to your child because it means if you failed as a parent then you have raised a failure as a kid.  Of course it is always ok to admit mistakes.  Mr. Ant and others are right: listen to your child; ask questions; don't lecture and preach.  Finally if you have done it right your relationship will segue from parent to parent and friend.  Oh I know the popular psychobabble says be a parent, not a friend but that is bullshit.  I am not talking being a peer but a friend.  In this world that is unpredictible, often violent, always random and somewhat scary we need all the friends we can get and who better than one who has proven  himself to love you unconditionally, to be always there for you and always on your side.  By being that you show your child what a true friend is and what to look for in one.  I speak from experience.

Anonymous:
That was my post.  Sorry, I make it sound like parenting is a competition and it never should be.  I do agree kids should not be given every material thing; that makes them  weak pawns for
predatory commericalism.  Also parents should be involved and aware from infancy, not ignore their kids until they are teens and then ship them off to be "fixed".

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