Uncomfortably numb

[Anonymous]

there isn't a single "Animals" post on this thread, nimwit.

[Anonymous]

give her a break, animals...she's new here. :lol:

[Nonconformistlaw]

Thanks for the link Ginger...I'll check it out...seems that my new reading list from this forum is getting longer than my law school reading assignments!

Ok I really have no idea what that Animals tangent was all about that anon brought up...but who knows maybe I missed something somewhere.

Yeah, Ginger, I definitly see things differently, not in the sense that my beliefs or values have changed...that part of me is the same...but more in the sense I understand better where my values and beliefs really came from, in alot of ways...as a strong reaction against Straight's methods.

And, what is really different, aside from starting to get a grip on how Straight damaged me, is the confirmation/validation aspect...kind of like "my god it really happened, I wasn't imagining things, I wasnt blowing it out of proportion in my mind at all. I was actually right about how fucked up Straight was." And worse..."this shit is still happening now??!!"

Anyway...its really difficult to explain...

I also I sense that my priorities have been completely changed. Yeah I was already hellbent on using my legal career as a tool to help kids now dealing with the same crap we once dealt with, and to push for reform/new ideas on how kids in the JJ system are treated for their so-called issues. But now there's whole new focus...Straight, Straight copycats, and other abusive programs, bringing the assholes down! Nothing will be more satisfying that focusing some attention on it as a lawyer, and maybe in other ways I havent really thought of yet. And at the same time, its going to be one hell of an emotional ordeal, all over again.

Time will tell. BTW, I REALLY appreciate all the feedback..since I know its old news to some of you.. ::rainbow::

[Dr Fucktard]

Thanks for the link Ginger...I'll check it out...seems that my new reading list from this forum is getting longer than my law school reading assignments!

You had better watch it! You seem to be headed down a slippery slope. You should stop thinking about all of this straight-related stuff now and get your nose back in the books. It's time to move on -- nothing more to see here, nothing more to think about.....BTW, if you need help with focusing on your work, we can help you with that!

Ok I really have no idea what that Animals tangent was all about that anon brought up...but who knows maybe I missed something somewhere.

"Animals" is Gary the Gorilla's newest companion! (check out our site)

And, what is really different, aside from starting to get a grip on how Straight damaged me, is the confirmation/validation aspect...kind of like "my god it really happened, I wasn't imagining things, I wasnt blowing it out of proportion in my mind at all. I was actually right about how fucked up Straight was." And worse..."this shit is still happening now??!!"

Straight's methods have been proven effective time and again...we have a very high success rate, or were you not aware of that? And you're damned RIGHT it's still happening now! SIBS is the Wave of the Future in Drug Treatment.?

_________________
http://fornits.com/SIBS

[Anonymous]

On 2005-08-15 18:30:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Another great post by Animals, animals all of us, he, she, we, them, us. Thanks Animals. You are not fooling anyone by telling your story again. Man, get a life you silly sad strange little man you."

Apparently he is fooling you, 'cause I made the post, and I'm certainly not him/her/it.

[Anonymous]

just hearing the name brings back fond memories, nevermind if it was a joke.

[Anonymous]

The truth hurts.

[Nonconformistlaw]

I called my mother (non-custodial parent) tonight to ask her to re-tell me about the time she flew across the country to see me while I was in Straight?.Only I found how screwed up my memory is?.my mom said she was interviewed by teenagers, which pissed her off, she threw a fit, told them how little she thought of the program?.basically she let them have it, really laid into them?

Here?s where my own memory gets really screwy.I recently said in another post that my mother was turned away w/o seeing me?..I apparently had the story wrong. Since she threw a fit and openly vented her disapproval of Straight to their face, she was told that she was a bad parent, not good for me, and was a bad parental role model, but miraculously, staff allowed a restricted one hour visit at my Dad and step monster?s home, in their presence.

Then I asked my mother what I was like, how did I act, etc??Quote ?you seemed really into the program and seemed to really believe in it.? Now this is freaky and upsetting me because??
   
I CANT REMEMBER?..I cant remember?.I have NO recollection of this at all! Yeah I can remember all the details about Straight?s rules, the coercion techniques, the humiliation, the restraints, being confronted in general, that I never did drugs before Straight, the kidnapping, etc, stuff like that?.but I have NO real specific concrete personal memories in there?. How could I possibly forget something that would have been extremely memorable like getting to see my mother?? Why is there a huge gap in my memories? Is it just that I repressed the memories that much? I mean I know how time diminishes memories to an extent but this is ridiculous?.Or is it a side effect of the brainwashing?

My mother?s comments about how I seemed to be really into the program and believe in it really hit me hard. All I could think about when she said that is?.MY GOD?..I was so brainwashed?.my mind was not my own, my mind belonged to Straight.

I feel like I have to ?admit that I was brainwashed??.admit they got to me?.how I don?t know?.saying that makes me feel like I did something wrong or that I wasn?t strong enough to resist them, guilt, my fault?.damn it I tried not to succumb to their warped thinking?..but it happened anyway?..the kids at school were right?.I was a STRAIGHT ROBOT :scared:  :scared:

I guess this is just a shock to me because I cant fathom being like that because I am so different now.

[starry-eyed pirate]

Yeah, cuz,i have a hard time livin'upto all the ideals like Christ and Buddha and Braveheart, and all the 1916 Irish revolutionaries who were executed by the British. Gandhi. i know i have to live my own life. :skull: [ This Message was edited by: starry-eyed pirate on 2005-08-27 20:23 ]

[Nonconformistlaw]

I finally got word from police today that the file regarding the kidnapping incident when I was 18 has long since been destroyed (I have explained the details in other posts). Apparently police in that particular jurisdiction are only required to keep files for 7 years, even if regarding Straight. And the offense of kidnapping only has a statute of limitations of seven years (criminal) anyway---so there was no need to keep it longer than that.

Even worse...it was discovered that the handwritten entry on the books originally said kidnapping, but white out  was used  to change that to instead indicate some type of drug treatment conflict. This set off my suspicions, but the officer explained about crime reporting (for statistical purposes) has to be accurate...and in my case (since I refused to cooperate I'm sure---I was a wreck to say the least) no evidence could substantiate the charges, so it was necessary to change the entry for general crime reporting purposes. This does make some possible sense to me since I learned enough about crime reporting in school, and it might be a legitimate reason to change the entry. (cant report crimes unless sure the crime occurred) Or this is just a seeming "legitimate excuse" to hide something, because I dont think the original records have to be turned in for uniform crime reporting----couldnt they just have made a notation to the effect of being an unsolved crime so that their reporting would be accurate? Why fucking change the allegations? Who knows...doesn?t really matter does it? The end result is the same...I'm screwed. Here?s an disturbing piece of irony?police used white out to "change" (in effect to lie) Straight's offense and Straight?s liquid paper lies to convince me I had a drug problem??

I never really expected the file to be out there after all these years...but its just so frustrating that there is little proof of Straight's crimes against me (and others). But, having the file would have given me some sense of vindication and validation...there's nothing but my word and my dad's against straight now....the information can now never be used for academic studies that may be of value either. I was also hoping to show my counselor...because I've already had a hard time getting across why straight was so bad. The file would have helped somewhat.

I hope this doesn?t sound stupid but it just hurts that I cant have information that is rightfully mine and because its as if it never happened. FUCK STRAIGHT!!! They'll never have to answer for their crimes will they??? I cant even have a little vindication in such a tiny way as just having the damn police file! God I wish I would have thought to try to get the file years ago...but then again, Straight was the furthest thing from my mind just so I could survive... :mad:

[dragonfly]

[Anonymous]

On 2005-09-13 11:52:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:

"I finally got word from police today that the file regarding the kidnapping incident when I was 18 has long since been destroyed (I have explained the details in other posts). Apparently police in that particular jurisdiction are only required to keep files for 7 years, even if regarding Straight. And the offense of kidnapping only has a statute of limitations of seven years (criminal) anyway---so there was no need to keep it longer than that.



Even worse...it was discovered that the handwritten entry on the books originally said kidnapping, but white out  was used  to change that to instead indicate some type of drug treatment conflict. This set off my suspicions, but the officer explained about crime reporting (for statistical purposes) has to be accurate...and in my case (since I refused to cooperate I'm sure---I was a wreck to say the least) no evidence could substantiate the charges, so it was necessary to change the entry for general crime reporting purposes. This does make some possible sense to me since I learned enough about crime reporting in school, and it might be a legitimate reason to change the entry. (cant report crimes unless sure the crime occurred) Or this is just a seeming "legitimate excuse" to hide something, because I dont think the original records have to be turned in for uniform crime reporting----couldnt they just have made a notation to the effect of being an unsolved crime so that their reporting would be accurate? Why fucking change the allegations? Who knows...doesn?t really matter does it? The end result is the same...I'm screwed. Here?s an disturbing piece of irony?police used white out to "change" (in effect to lie) Straight's offense and Straight?s liquid paper lies to convince me I had a drug problem??



I never really expected the file to be out there after all these years...but its just so frustrating that there is little proof of Straight's crimes against me (and others). But, having the file would have given me some sense of vindication and validation...there's nothing but my word and my dad's against straight now....the information can now never be used for academic studies that may be of value either. I was also hoping to show my counselor...because I've already had a hard time getting across why straight was so bad. The file would have helped somewhat.



I hope this doesn?t sound stupid but it just hurts that I cant have information that is rightfully mine and because its as if it never happened. FUCK STRAIGHT!!! They'll never have to answer for their crimes will they??? I cant even have a little vindication in such a tiny way as just having the damn police file! God I wish I would have thought to try to get the file years ago...but then again, Straight was the furthest thing from my mind just so I could survive... :mad: "

NCL after reading this I started feeling a lot of anxiety. I just called up the place I received mental health services while in straight and they are mailing me a form so I can request copies of my records.

Now I really want to know if the psychatrist and therapist documented what I told them about straight and the issues with suicide I had while in there. I hope they documented everything I said. If so that is at least some proof on my end that I suffered a mental breakdown in straight and had to get outside help while still in their so called treatment program.

I'm feeling too paranoid posting my name right now because I want those records in my hands first.

[Nonconformistlaw]

Anon-----I know why my post would be scary to those who want to track down old records. But dont take it as it will automatically be that way for you in your case. It may be the same, it may NOT be. I bet it depends on many things how long records are kept. But good thinking---getting the process of requesting those records started NOW.

The records I wanted concerned a crime/police records in the possession of a certain police department...maybe different police departments have different time frames for destruction of records, maybe they're the same, I just dont know...check anyway if you want those kind of records.

Maybe mental heath professionals have different time frames for how long they keep records. I dont know. I assume there will be variations in this among differing professions (police....vs. mental health providers). But anon...this is for you and anyone else wanting records...its worth a shot to try to get them, but the passage of time may very well be a big problem for many of us...

Hope you get them....

[Anonymous]

On 2005-09-13 12:55:00, Nonconformistlaw wrote:

"Anon-----I know why my post would be scary to those who want to track down old records. But dont take it as it will automatically be that way for you in your case. It may be the same, it may NOT be. I bet it depends on many things how long records are kept. But good thinking---getting the process of requesting those records started NOW.



The records I wanted concerned a crime/police records in the possession of a certain police department...maybe different police departments have different time frames for destruction of records, maybe they're the same, I just dont know...check anyway if you want those kind of records.



Maybe mental heath professionals have different time frames for how long they keep records. I dont know. I assume there will be variations in this among differing professions (police....vs. mental health providers). But anon...this is for you and anyone else wanting records...its worth a shot to try to get them, but the passage of time may very well be a big problem for many of us...



Hope you get them....



"

I asked if they had my records from 1987 and indeed they did. They told me they hang on to them for 10 years and then file them in storage after that. They still have them though and hopefully I will have some sort of written documented proof of my mind unraveling in that place.

[Nonconformistlaw]

hey anon---if you feel comfortable...you can pm me about this...if not I understand completely.  ::rainbow:: [ This Message was edited by: Nonconformistlaw on 2005-09-13 13:32 ]