I haven't posted for several weeks, but I think it would be appropriate since I have been hearing the name JU from the time I was 17 years old, but never had the pleasure of meeting the person. This way I can read his posts and at least get a better idea of what he was/is like through his own words versus the second hand memories that I heard about him for over 20 years. I still remember hearing his name sprinkled in raps, often his name would emerge as part of some oldtimer's nostalgic picture of the "old days." I never heard anything negative about him, perhaps certan inner circle members knew about the confrontation between L. and JU, but it was never public group knowledge from 1980-2000+.
As I have posted in previous posts, I walked into that group in 1980. I was associated with that group much longer than JU or many others as I stayed for over 20 years, until the day it closed and beyond. . .up to the final days that ended in the "great dramatic divide," where followers were pulled between AB's army or LK's army. Of course, the "apocalyptic event" exploded a la White House Inner Circle style,(like everything else in that group), where first the privileged (JU would have probably been one of them had he "stuck it out" as some of us more ignorant idiots did for so many years) were informed of issues the group was having and then later the lower ranks would get the handmedown version of the great tragedy. The lower ranks were kept as outsiders, actually staff hoped they would not find out what was coming down. The lower ranks got to find out bits and pieces as the story mounted to a volcano. I personally was told, "there are problems at the s--d," but never was I told "the truth about some of these problems is that we caused them because we should have been honest a long time ago and now we have to cover our asses."
Bottom line the key persons on both sides (and there were several key players) forgot the first and most important rule" or "never learned it". . .you know the one about HONESTY, so they also forgot to have the decency to fill-in all the lower rank people, such as myself, about the problems at the s--d. To this day, not one of them has ever apologized for a truly hurting situation that they created out of selfishness and greed.
I was a graduate but never on staff, though many times close to the inner circle, not a part of it. . my story goes on for over 20 years, not just 6 of my post-adolescent years. In my opinion, JU to his credit, got out when he realized that L. was on her way up (she did, after, all reign unquestionably to the end). I must say I do respect JU for at least he recognized the inevitable truth that all were not created equal witin the walls of st. rd. 84. . . especially cause that was only the beginning. Basically, many of us, if not about 90+% of the people that stuck around through the 80's, 90's, and beginning 2000, lived in complete obedience not only to AB, but to L. There was no questioning L. about anything at any time. If she said jump, we definately jumped, for many, many, many years, not just 6.
It would have been interesting, however, to see how long JU would have stayed had he gone along and allowed L. to truly dominate as she did for over 20 years. Would he have still not lost sight of the so-called dream, which by the way any virtues that I was exposed to in that group certainly exist, and more so, in major religions and smaller groups of people that promote brotherhood, courage, friendship, and love. Unfortunately, many there had there eye on much more than these virtues.
JU is right. He knew better and did not stick around for the era of where one or two were destined and blessed to become lawyers and doctors, but not others, several were destined and blessed to be married, but not others, some were destined and blessed to be business people, but not others. . .Others should keep a very low profile becuase you are pretty much invisible to those in power, so stay out of the way, and someone will let you know when things are different.
I personally remember feeling trapped within people who did not understand me . . .I remember many of them laughed at being gay, when I and a few others (some stayed tightly in the closet)were coming to terms with who we were. . i remember being told at 17 "Oh, don't worry about being gay, we can all relate to being gay before we came in. . .it's no big deal. . .it will go away, concentrate on the important stuff. . .what's being said in the group." And then 20 years went by and I had repressed everything so deep that it has been in the last several years of my life that I feel free to be who I really am inside--true to me. Also. the constant anxiety and paranoia has stopped, the cramps in my stomach from years of living in fear of when would I be told off for being so full of shit, for fantasizing, daydreaming, wanting so much more and so many different goals than the boring, unmotivating options staff offered anytime I had to listen to their advise on what to do with my life. Thank God I stopped listening. Ultimately, I did do my own thing in terms of career and ignored staff's blatant disapproval (or was it jealousy) of how how high and how far I could shine for me. The funny part about it is that I always made sure to thank them every step of the way. . but that was not enough for them.
Sadly, I guess I was one of the weaker ones (back then), unlike JU who had the courage to stand up to them way back when he was only there for six years. I COULD NOT FIND THE STRENGTH AT 17 AND BEYOND TO STAND UP TO THEM BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID THAT IF I WENT AGAINST THEM I WOULD SHATTER MY PARENTS' HEARTS WHO HAD PAID IN 1980 WHATEVER THEY COULD TO MAKE ME STARIGHT -- BOTH SEXUALLY AND DRUG WISE. JU did not invest 2 decades of his life into a group that really did not, at least, post 80's know what true love really was. Snitching, humiliating, discriminating, and certainly very good at trying to "read people like a book" for the purpose of power playing and conquering. Yes, there were some good things about the 20 plus years I was there. If I did not reconcile the good with the bad, I would be totally empty inside because I cannot erase all those years and the emotional and psychological impression they had on me. I do recognize, however, that the perspectives of soemone who was on staff for 6 years are very different than someone who really did grow up at The Seed. Unfortuantely, I was also sheltered way beyond JU and only started to gain real independence after it all fell apart. I do not resent JU or any other person who worked at that place simply because I do beleive that they thought what they were involved in was right. I still wonder how my life might have been different if I had had the courage that JU describes. . .instead i really just waited whether it was in the warehouse or back on Andrew's house for the last and final round.
