New to Forum- Looking to hear from old staff and students.

[Son Of Serbia]

I can't think of any other John who was at Cedu from 1987-1991,
but if I did mistake your identity, then please accept my apologies.
My advice still stands though, and I'm sure that we knew each other.
Again, good luck to you.

Alot of people are thinking I was John Brogan.
He was there for like 3 years I think. I would be curious as to know how he is. He was fucked with so bad....

John was actually one of the guys I could relate to.
Unlike John, I always fought back and it would always come to bite me in the ass.

I try and tell people when I am talking about a rap, how HORRIBLE it was when a room of 15 people were literally fighting to get across the room so they could yell at you.

The think that made me SICK was tat I was an easy target and they were dirty as fuck. So by coming down on me, they could "look good" and protect themselves. They would get all the credit and all the priviledges and I would go do their fucking dishes that night.

I get sooo pissed just thinking about it. Going through my Vison and Discovery journals. I had a section/tab called raps. It hurt reading through that shit.

Mon rap - yelled at
wed rap - yelled at first
Fri rap - was told I am not liked and people don't like hanging out with me.

 

It's been well over a year since I posted here last.  For those of you who know me, I'm no lover of Cedu, that's for sure.   I stopped posting at this site after we won the good fight and saw Cedu shut down permanently.  I still come back to this site from time to time to check my messages.  I came here yesterday, looked at a few threads, and it seems that this site is buzzing with activity as of late. The new posters coming here all seem to be from my era at Cedu RS.  After reading your post Johnny, I just had to write again.

Johnny Propheet, I was at Cedu with you and I know exactly who you are.  I know what those criminal bastards did to you, and they fucked with you like no other.  You spent sooo many years at that shithole, and for the life of me, I can't figure out how you got through it and managed to hold onto your sanity, but god bless you for doing so.

I wasn't at Cedu anywhere near as long as you were, and I didn't wait around to graduate, that's for sure, but I was certainly traumatized by the experience.  Like you, I did my best to forget about the Cedu Cult, and it worked for 12 years.  About three years ago I was bored and fucking around on google.  I typed the words "Cedu hurts kids" and did a search.  Fornits was the first site that popped up, and after reading through a few threads all the bad memories of abuse and the anger I had at those monsters came flooding back to me.  I couldn't stop thinking about it, much like you can't now.

My advice to you is this: now that the cork is off of the bottle, there's no going back.  Whatever you're feeling about the Cedu Cult and the criminals who hurt you there, you have to come here and say it, and you have to keep coming back here and saying it, until you've said everything. Don't hold anything back.  In my experience, that's how you're going to beat those demons that are plaguing you, trust me I know. It took me over 360 posts to feel better, and a year plus after I stopped posting, here I am again with more to say.  That's how you're going to beat those abusive fuckers who hurt you like Rudy & Jill Bentz , Guy Bonnano, Russ Decker, Carl Janowitz, Patrick Stambuski and the rest of them, by calling them out for what they are.

Johnny if you want to talk, PM me anytime.  I'll tell you exactly who I am, and I'm sure that you will remember me.  Good luck to you.

Sabro...I remember you but I doubt you will remember me. I was on my way out and you had just been there for a few months at the time.

I just found this site and it's Friday evening. I need to go and get ready to take my wonderfull fiancee out tonight or she will kill me. I have been glued to this site all week and do not have the time to say everything I want to.

I respect your words and what you did. I spent years and years supressing what happened to me. It is crazy to think it has resurfaced 15 years later. I was made to be an example and was fucked with and mentally tortured at that institution for 2 years. I tried SOOO hard to get out. I hated Carl Janowitz and knew he was a sick fuck. He made his goal to fuck with me back and called me his "little project'" I was condemned to raps with him all the time.

I was never the same after I left Cedu. People who knew me before I went in have often told me that when I came out I was almost seemingly "damaged." I struggled with my  confidence after Cedu and still do sometimes. Cedu ingrained in me that I could never be a leader. They would never give me leadership opportunitites or allow me to be on committees. It has proved to follow me in life. I manage employees now and still question my leadership. I worry that I am not a good manager and ALL of that stems back to not even be allowed to run Saturday chores.  I have a picture of Tyler Mars and your little son. Perhaps I will post it on my flickr site.

Have you seen? http://www.flickr.com/photos/cedu/

You are actually on there already.

I really don't know what to do at this point...this past week has stirred up more demons then I have ever known.

When the guy who believes in ghosts finally makes contact with a ghost - where does he go from there? Do you go on making contact with ghosts or do you say "See I knew there were ghosts."

I knew Cedu had fucked me up on many levels and I always wondered if there was some sort of support group. I found it and have spent lots of time on here. I could spend years trying to fight these demons. For now...I must hope that time continues to heal this and be like "see I knew that place was fucked up."

[Anonymous]

Son of Serbia...

Email me at somethingshore@yahoo.com

I am thinking we knew each other as well.

Johnny Propheet is just my Cedu Handle...

I can't think of any other John who was at Cedu from 1987-1991,
but if I did mistake your identity, then please accept my apologies.
My advice still stands though, and I'm sure that we knew each other.
Again, good luck to you.

[blownawaytheidahoway]

I know what you mean

Also, i find reading about this stuff unbeleivabley painful. But as a survivor when you discuss what happened you are engaging in an act of heroism. It s  a duty to discuss what happened. As painful as it may be to engage over what you experienced there needs to be an "archive" of  truth about this torture-cult. So many children were destroyed there and when you speak for them you bring them some small measure of justice to their ruined souls.

The truth needs to be available. You dont know, what you say might be the catalyst for another survivor to file criminal or cival charges and then the "justice" wont only be abstract.

Lets put child torturers behing bars.....
thanks for posting

Thank you for posting this. I have to say the last few years reliving my experience from Idaho (btw the CEDU school looks much more comfortable and furnished. I viewed the photos and saw one familiar face and with great interest the same EXACT kind of pictures that people took at RMA)

I think it is important to keep tabs and an archive and a timeline for ALL of the CEDU schools AND their clones, and the rotating staff. Follow the money, as well. Because it is important and obvious that business started BOOMING by 1990 and the demand for the kind of "services" that CEDU and SUWS offered became undeniable. Decisions were made and titles doled out and undegreed, unlicensed non- therapists held down their restrictive forts while other schools were forged and revenue wringing plans put into reality. The upkeeping of the "market" and the changing nature of therapy and labeling in the US fostered the kind of growth and atmosphere for experimentation for "therapeutic boarding schools". Presto: You've got schools operating horrifically outside of the borders of the fucking COUNTRY?  

Clearly, without some kind of regulation we are up shits creek without the proverbial paddle when it comes to saving adolescents nightmare programs that advertise themselves as club- meds .

[Tonkatsu]

Cool seeing ya'll back around here. Not so sure I'm comfortable w/ the idea of Fornits as therapy. But, if you find it helpful to vent, why then by all means do so.

If anybody wants to keep on the the blow by blow or 'where are they now' check out the HLA and Cascade forums. That's where Rudy Bentz and that dude Saner landed up. I understand HLA is about to shut down too now, but the rats who jump ship always just find another ship.

Nope.  Rudy Bentz is a Principal at a Native American School outside of Santa Fe.  Appears he left the Waldorf School rather abrubtly.  Jill Bentz owns an art gallery in Santa Fe.

[Rugby Punk]

Wow! I know that Jill and Rudy had a thing for Native American art, but that's still a bit of a surprising career choice for him. Here's the website:
http://www.sanjuaned.org/ohkay_owingeh.html

No picture, so no way to really confirm it's the same Rudolph Bentz, but...

[Anonymous]

Here's Jill's Gallery website. She just goes by Jill Shwaiko and dropped Bentz - I don't know if that's professionally or a split with Rudy. Anyone know?
http://www.indigoartgallery.com

[Tonkatsu]

Anyone care?

[Anonymous]

Anyone care?

Seriously, any Non-troll Ceduites out there know?

[Anonymous]

I'd rather see her own an art gallery then fuck with kids...

[Anonymous]

It was a whole lot easier to believe that the extremes were warranted at Cedu because you kids needed it. The fact that it failed so misserably renders this hogwash. I never, ever thought it was that bad. I thought there were problems that needed to be fixed and some staff that were off the wall. We were always trying to figure out how to make the program better and more effective. But the core was rotten.



I kinda believe that most of the staff- even the most abusive, came there for the right reasons and tried to do good for kids- but for most, they had no experience, education, or training, and under the Mel system- they accepted what was going on as therapy. (I have no background in therapy either- so a lot of time i just sat there incredulously thinking "what is this?") They must have started out as decent caring humans. But I guess if they tried to maintain that they would have been forced to quit or have been fired. But a fewm they stayed on thinking they might help a kid through this...



Power, control, and manipulation became the goals of any employee who aspired to succeed at Cedu. They were rank amatuers- with no business dispensing this funky brand of "healing." If you didn't toe the line as staff, you were subjected to many of the same kind of games the kids faced- along with punitive employer practices like messing with your work duties, hours and even pay. Like the kids we were often told who we could talk to and what we should say. You had to go through whomever was running a kid's "table" or work assignment. (Tim was great at smiling and acting shocked.)



I took a paycut to work there and was strung along with promise after promise. I enjoyed working with the kids- got no problem with the physical labor thing, or the cleanliness thing, not with the classes, the outdoor ed program, or sports- all that was fun. (And I got out of most raps when we were working on the accreditation and all raps and propheets during my last few months.)



I remember my first rap with Jill. Afterwards she tried to debrief it in some gentle manner: "Do you have a problem yelling?" I told her, no- if I have something to yell about. "what about cussing?" I told her in general I don't cuss. "You really can't work here if you don't cuss." Okay, I said. "Well..." she looked at me. Long pause- "Okay, Fuck you."I told her. She smiled and gave me a hug.



Early on, I came in early and found a chair and a book to read. Rudy pulled me into his office and hit the roof. Screaming, red-faced...and I'm thinking I might need to use some martial arts on him... and then he calms and acts loving and caring.



Luke had it much worse than I did. Originally, Rudy had challenge and then Bill- both were a lot easier to work with than Guy. He made Luke's life hell for not being a "believer." I think the day after I gave notice, they fired him. No warning, no probation, no reason. (You're not a team player.)



These schools prey upon the desperation of parents that are at the end of whatever rope they have. Although Cedu is gone- the nightmare lives on in dozens of copycats because the market is there.

[Anonymous]

I was at Cedu from April 1993 until 1995 I was in both middle and high school
I graduated from BCA in 96 and I had a hard time after leaving but not in the same way as others...I was pretty young though

[Anonymous]

well go on then, tell us more.

[try another castle]

You bring up some key points.

1. Staff mentality was compromised.

Might  I add.. they all had to go through the program, too. And experienced the same trauma.

However, they are adults. And as such, have adult responsibilities. One of which is to be accountable for your actions. Your decision making skills as an adult are far different than that of a teenager.

I am not saying that they were capable of making rational choices in the heat of the moment. (Although some did, mainly two of my favorite teachers there.) However, there are staff who have reformed, such as yourself, and there are staff who have chosen not to be, and to cling to their CEDU-based belief system. That is their choice. They are responsible for that.

Having said that, there are staff who are just so fucking damaged, you can't do anything but pity them. Or at least I do, mainly because I tend to wax on the generous side. Everyone talks about how horrible Caroline was, and she was. She was truly sadistic, and probably one of the most hated staff members to ever grace CEDU, with the exception of Rudy. However, I've heard parts of her "story", especially regarding what was done to her when she went to CEDU as a teen. Let's just say that it is no accident that most of her jibes and taunts towards students were based off of shame around sex. And later, she had sex with both male and female students. Seriously, she is the quintessential poster child for how CEDU can completely and wholly fuck up a person's psyche. She had absolutely no understanding of sexual appropriateness and boundaries. Granted, there are also parts of her story that I refuse to believe, because it totally sounds like forced confession material. My point is, people hate her, and rightfully so. I despised her when I was there. There is absolutely no excuse for how many people she has hurt, but at the same time, she is pathetically broken. Big time.

For me, I must take that into consideration before casting judgment.

It will be interesting to find out how the scales weigh for her in the end.

[Psianide]

To Sabro---no question that a lot of people hate CEDU--but what about all the other people who attended and describe a completely different experience---who don't even post here or relate to the stories here



Do you believe they are all sheep and brainwashed-- cuz if that's the case some of them are doing an awfully good job of acting like they're pretty normal people



Isn't it just possible that these programs worked well for some people and not for others---I'm not saying I know the answer but just that it's worth asking



Since you had a lot of hands-on time in one of the CEDU school: what do you think---why do many grads even have fond memories of their time there

Like I said anyone who thought they had a good experience wouldn't post here.

I hear this arguement a lot to be honest, always from anonymous trolls on sites like this.

I keep looking, none of the people I was in with (who Ive communicated with since) fit this discription, and they don't seem to show up on discussion boards either. Its ok though, thier conspicuous absence doesn't actually prove that they don't exist.

Speaking in terms of probability though, if the picture I get from my interactions with other survivors is anywhere near representative of the whole picture there must be one of these "happily ever afters" for every hundred of the rest of us, and to follow your own logic you aren't even one of them.

Can you really make an arguement to support an efficacy that low?