Fornits

Fornits Home for Wayward Web Fora
An open discussion about the troubled parent industry

Yes, thank you.  Sage advice.  I'll do just that.  My son is now confirmed missing and was last seen with two brothers who had stolen a car and intend to head to Florida.  So, I'll just sit back and relax and know that my decision to not intervene to keep my son safe was the right decision.  Thank you and good night!

Screann and others -

Thank you for the kind words and the advice.  Most of it I have tried.  That is the kind of conversation that helps a parent who feels worried relax a little bit.  My son and I had a talk today and he did all the things I asked him to do to help make up for being out all night.  But then he turned around and did it again.  He sneaks out the minute I'm not looking.  

I don't know if it would make a difference if I tried not saying anything at all...maybe it would be such a break from convention that it would jog something.  The thing is, if he continues doing what he's doing, someone else is going to make the decision to send him somewhere.  I don't think anywhere away from home is the best place for a child.  Everyone should try to understand that I don't think it's possible that every parent who wants to send their kid to a behavior modification center is giving up.  I think they are intensely worried and hoping to keep their child out of harm's way and legal trouble.  I know that sounds crazy to some of you and I've heard all you've said.  I'm not saying at all this is what I'm doing with my own son, not now after I've visited this forum.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when parents do stumble in here, and they have bags under their eyes from sleepless nights, and they've heard from school officials and police and other parents, and even perfect strangers, that your child is headed down crack avenue and needs intervention NOW, and their hair is falling out, and they're on the verge of losing jobs and can't concentrate on them anyway...don't attack them!  Yes, some kids are messed up because their parents don't care or abuse them.  But some kids are just angry because they don't fit it, or can't learn the same, or they've been in trouble so they don't care anymore....who knows all the complex reasons why.  But once they're in that state, it's so very hard to reach them.  

So please, hear a parent out before you attack.  It is so hurtful.  I know my child is in pain.  I can see it.  And for those of you who are parents, surely you understand that whatever hurt your child feels, you feel 100 times.  When the doctor handles you your bundle of joy, he/she also hands you a bundle of worry and a bundle of guilt to go with it.  My heart is already breaking enough without people jumping to outrageous conclusions about my motivations.  

Take what you've learned and reach out to parents who come in here who are not total asses like Karen in Dallas (who ought to be held in restraints for the rest of her life and beaten by angry teenagers).

I know this forum is not really for parents.  But we end up here anyway.

And by the way, I'm NOT defending Karen in Dallas.  Is she for real?  I find it hard to believe anyone could talk like that and not have had her children taken away!!!  What is UP with that?

Just be forwarned...as a parent, saying you've tried everything seems to be an open invitation for every disgruntled person to attack you, and it will be among the four letter word variety.  I was accused of smoking crack while I was pregnant and that must be the root of my son's problems.  I have gotten some positive feedback as well, and yet, no one seems to have answers as to what to do about your teen when they are completely disregarding every rule.  As a parent, you are persona non grata to everyone.  The school, the system, other kids and even other parents.  Everyone thinks you must have done a shitty job.  Some folks here would even recommend juvenile detention over any program.  I don't get it.

I had had such a conversation with him and thought we had come to a mutual agreement.  It wasn't a few hours later when he took off and he is still missing.  There is a whole group of kids that are covering for this one kid.  He has now been gone (my son) since last night with no contact.  I've notified police, all other parents that I know of, and have toured the town, made visits to his friends houses, and went to the local mall and all other hangouts.  He was last seen this morning with the kid.  I have given him every choice to make decisions with me.  And I know he does feel empathy towards this kid who has run away, but he isn't going about it even remotely responsibly.  

And don't forget that we live in an age where parents are held responsible for their kids behavior.  Even on this forum!  So I could very well be looking at DSS invading our home because of his actions.  And because I think he might have an emotional disorder that has not yet been uncovered, I am extremely worried what he would do in a foster care or juvenile situation.  

When I started looking into RTC's, which is how I landed here, I was hoping to find something that would provide very tight structure with a therapeutic element.  He's refusing to see his therapist, who he LIKES, refusing to try medications, and refusing to enter into compromises with me.  He is rapidly removing all of our choices.  I could take the stance that he just needs to outgrow the phase...well that didn't happen with his father.  I could try more freedom....already done it.  I could try policing him...doesn't work.  He waits for the first moment he knows that I'm busy, i.e. HAVE to go to work or class eventually, and need to care for his sister as well.  Grounding doesn't work.  I've offered alternative schools of his choosing, including homeschooling, which he is clearly blowing off by taking off.

This is where parents get desparate.  And I am.

Antigen, I totally agree with you on many many levels.  In fact, and I may have mentioned this before, but my focus in my studies is evolutionary psychology and looking at how many things that are labeled as "disorders" are not disorders at all when looked at from another angle.  And I also feel that we are a culture of fear right now.  If our child doesn't make it into Harvard, we're bad parents.   And god forbid that they shoudl smoke a little pot or have a temper tantrum past the age of two.  We live in an age where elementary school children are sometimes taken out of the school in handcuffs.  We live post-Columbine and post 9/11.  It's a shame that the whole society can't just take a step back and look at what we are doing to kids who just need a little more space or a little more encouragement (and I would definitely err on the side of encouragement).  

That said, while homeschooling offers a temporary respite from my child's stress and being suspended every other week, it is not a long term solution for multiple reasons.  One, I am a single mother and once I graduate in the spring, I will have much less flexibility because I will have to work full time.  Ideally I would like to find something flexible or that I can do from home, but realistically that may not happen.  Another reason is that my gut has been telling me for a long time there is something going wrong with this kid that is beyond the norm.  That is based on a long history of anxiety, OCD behavior, night terrors, trouble sleeping since he was very small.  He has certainly had events in his life that might cause this, but therapy has done little to help, and I've always been understanding.  Even as a baby, he was very different from other kids.  

Let me go off track for a sec.  When he was little I didn't mind one little bit that he wasn't like other boys.  Just so someone coming in without having my other posts doesn't jump to the conclusion that I'm trying to make a round peg out of a square one.  

The fact is, his differences make him suffer in many arenas.  But because he's bright, it is assumed by everyone it is just behavior problems.  I see now that most of the programs we are talking about here would do little to help with that.  But they DO prey on desparate parents.  I'm also trying to help him head off problems as an adult.  Many of the males on his father's side and my mother's side have had difficulty maintaining jobs and families due to their "behavior".  I think a lot of them were in need of earlier  intervention.  

Whew.

The largest problem with a longitudinal study on any of these programs is not that they are not regulated or wouldn't allow access or whatever.  Though regulation would, in fact, significantly speed the process.  Research happens when someone becomes interested in the topic and can pose a convincing argument that a valid study can be conducted to the funding source.   This requires a lot of steps, and for all we know, someone is conducting a study as we speak.  Valid research that will be respected by the scientific community and therefore the government, takes time.

Are people on this website rallying in any way for government regulation?  Is there any cohesiveness to the movement?  Someone, ideally one of you, needs to make contact with officials, get a petition started, and stage protests.  Launch a media campaign.  Start a non-profit.  

Essentially, be pro-active.  I think this website serves many purposes, even helping parents make decisions (except for those who simply enjoy slinging insults).  And I commend you all for sharing your stories and thoughts with each other.

Top 3 reasons I think...

Well, part of the whole reason I'm posting here is because I'm in process of trying to figure that out.   But if I had to make my own guesses I would say that he is upset that his father isn't around or involved and has essentially ruined his own life.  Another part is that he was a smaller boy and more sensitive so got picked on a lot and then adopted a tough guy attitude to make up for it.  Another part is probably genetic.  I have since uncovered a long history of male anger on my mother's side and his father's father's sides of the family.  Part of it may be a learning disability that hasn't been  uncovered yet that has made him feel unsuccessful and got him labeled as a behavior problem that he is now living up to.  

I think a very very large part of his anger toward school has to do with his 5th grade teacher who singled him out despite my multiple visits and complaints.  

Also, for my own part, I think I didn't react soon enough!!  I'm not an overreactive parent so when he started having trouble I figured he was just going through a difficult time and I got him therapy and listened to him and talked with him, thinking with support he would outgrow it.