Author Topic: I want to understand  (Read 2145 times)

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Offline Scarstruck

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« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2004, 10:09:00 AM »
Tell you what ...lay off the psycho analytical aspect..
 Be understanding...let her come to you if she wants to talk about it.
 Dont treat her like ..like the way you treat a handicapped person or someone thats dying..
 Im sure we all feel like nutty wierdos as is...Iknow I dont need any help with that.

 Wait ...Me? giving relationship advice? thats funny.
 Haha I can barely leagve my bedroom as is...cant even get a bag of weed or carton of smokes without having anxiety attacks..
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Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2004, 10:13:00 AM »
Quote
On 2004-08-12 07:09:00, Scarstruck wrote:

"Tell you what ...lay off the psycho analytical aspect..

 Be understanding...let her come to you if she wants to talk about it..cant even get a bag of weed or carton of smokes without having anxiety attacks..
"


That's a very good point...(the analytical stuff)...  Consider it dropped...

I've heard the term "anxiety attacks"....  Not to sound dumb, but what are they?
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Offline future.air

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« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2004, 11:46:00 AM »
Hi.
I wrote the coping mechanisms post.  

I am a survivor and my boyfriend is struggling to understand.   I don't consider it to be psychobabble.

For so long the trauma was reacting instead of me.  I am attempting to understand PTSD and all of its specific ramifications.  With each person, I'm sure the pain is expressed differently.

My boyfriend gets scared of my anger too and he, at times, has left with no explanation.  Leaving, with no exchange of safe affection, COMPLETELY triggers the feeling of abandonment I felt when my parents dropped me off in that abusive hellhole.  

Saying,  "I love you I will be back in an hour or I will call you tomorrow at 10am I want to talk to you when we are both calm enough to not be abusive, usually works".

If you can hug her when she's freaking out that is like heaven for me.  In Straight, we were unable to express anger or fear. Usually only shame, regret and remorse for the wrongs we did in the past.  Raps were focused on the past and hopes of the future.

I KNOW, this requires a hell of a lot of strength when the other person is having an irrational and INTENSE reaction that goes way beyond the present and initial trigger.  It is important to remember it is not about you.  My boyfriend has a tendency to take it personally.  It triggers his feelings of inadequacy and then we get trapped in a vicious circle.

In my experience, identifying the issues is helping!  Differentiating the past from the present is key to my personal recovery as well as the potential success of my relationship.
I support you for working so hard to know the woman you love.  That is admirable.   Please continue posting.  It helps me to hear the other side.  

All the best,
Elizabeth
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Offline phoenix

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« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2004, 12:18:00 PM »
Erased...[ This Message was edited by: phoenix on 2004-08-16 19:55 ]
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Offline ehm

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« Reply #19 on: August 12, 2004, 01:33:00 PM »
Quote
On 2004-08-12 07:13:00, Anonymous wrote:

I've heard the term "anxiety attacks"....  Not to sound dumb, but what are they?"


http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/panic.html

http://www.anxietypanic.com/

Seemingly uncontrollable bouts of panic and fear that effect you both physically and emotionally.

Is she in therapy?

To the extent that a society limits its government to policing functions which curb the individuals who engage in aggressive and criminal actions, and conducts its economic affairs on the basis of free and willing exchange, to that extent domestic peace prevails. When a society departs from this norm, its governing class begins, in effect, to make war upon the rest of the nation. A situation is created in which everyone is victimized by everyone else under the fiction of each living at the expense of all.

--Edmund A. Opitz

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Offline webcrawler

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« Reply #20 on: August 12, 2004, 02:19:00 PM »
Quote
On 2004-08-12 09:18:00, phoenix wrote:

"
Quote

On 2004-08-12 08:46:00, future.air wrote:



If you can hug her when she's freaking out that is like heaven for me.  In Straight, we were unable to express anger or fear. Usually only shame, regret and remorse for the wrongs we did in the past.  Raps were focused on the past and hopes of the future.





I KNOW, this requires a hell of a lot of strength when the other person is having an irrational and INTENSE reaction that goes way beyond the present and initial trigger.  It is important to remember it is not about you.  My boyfriend has a tendency to take it personally.  It triggers his feelings of inadequacy and then we get trapped in a vicious circle.









Thanks Elizabeth!



On my MSN right now, my line is "Sometimes doing nothing is harder than doing something difficult"...   I'm finding it really difficult to not try and "ride in like the white knight".. But its occured to me that just as I am having to wrestle that feeling internally right now, survivors must have similar battles ALL THE TIME.



Now that I know "whats going on" when she gets upset, I think I will be much better able to cope.  I wish I had the presence of mind to tell her those words you mentioned when I would leave..  But I wouldnt..  Instead I would, like your man, leave without a word, or worse, actually say something like "Forget this.. I dont want this"... Its amazing in retrospect that she doesnt hate me.... and no wonder its difficult for her to "come back"...



You right too, it brings up feelings of inadequacy in the partner.. I certainly felt it...  It goes through your head "I guess I'm not the one she wants...  I mean look, I cant make her happy.. it must be me.. she must want to move on but doesnt know how to tell me..  I'll make it easy and start a fight"....  



You want to know the really ironic thing? When we would fight, I wanted reassurance too.. I would have loved to have been able to walk up to her, past the raised voices and the anger, and just hugged her...



I pray every night for her happiness.. and I pray that she can feel she can trust me..



She may decide that we can only ever be friends from now on. That will really hurt.. She'll be "the one that got away".. I truly believe we are soul mates.  But if friendship is all she can share with me, I will be the best friend she has.  Everything all of you are sharing is invaluable.



Its kind of like having digital cable and a normal TV... plug the two into each other, and despite both the cable co. and the TV doing their best - the picture remains static. A digital descrambler is needed..  I could be wrong here, but I think I really needed to know all this so I could properly understand what she was trying SO HARD to say to me.  It pains me to think of the effort she put into trying to make me understand, only to be left feeling abandoned and rejected (her worst fear no doubt).  



Do any of you have any questions for me? (It just occured to me that I'm the one asking all the questions here)...



"







I think you should just hug her. A lot of times I'm pretty mean myself to people I care about and a hug can change things. Sounds corny I know. You sound like a good guy. Hell, if she doesn't marry you there are a whole lot of other good women that can use a good man by their side.
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am looking for people who survived Straight in Plymouth, Michigan. I miss a lot of people there and wonder what happened and would like to stay in touch.

Offline future.air

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« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2004, 02:24:00 PM »
hi.
No, I don't have any questions right now.  But I'll let you know if I do.

I enjoyed the cable analogy. There has been static in my life for a long time.  I didn't want to subscribe to the channels that brought back pictures of the years in lock-up.
I'm not sure if she knows about this site.  But a couple months ago when I found this site it was a big shock.
It took me another couple months to have the courage to start posting.

Thanks for saying during a fight you need reassurance too.  The few times during heated moments I've attempted to understand his fears  it  really helps.  
I need to get better about assuring him that it's not his fault and keeping the focus on the initial anger -usually rooted in the past.

You obviously love her very much.   Everything you are doing will most certainly let her know you are dedicated.
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Offline future.air

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« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2004, 02:31:00 PM »
Quote

I think you should just hug her. A lot of times I'm pretty mean myself to people I care about and a hug can change things.



 From this ::argue::  to this    ::kiss::

Very true.  I believe body language and energy sometimes expresses more than words.
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Offline phoenix

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« Reply #23 on: August 12, 2004, 02:51:00 PM »
Erased...[ This Message was edited by: phoenix on 2004-08-16 19:55 ]
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Offline phoenix

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« Reply #24 on: August 13, 2004, 11:10:00 PM »
Someone (who's handle I forget) made a good point...  So I'm clearing all my comments out...

I leave this site for her support..
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Offline webcrawler

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« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2004, 06:13:00 AM »
Sounds like it's just time to move on from each other once and for all. You can't make anyone have feelings they don't have. Yeah, you came here, but we don't know her name. I think you respected her enough to not put her name out there.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »
am looking for people who survived Straight in Plymouth, Michigan. I miss a lot of people there and wonder what happened and would like to stay in touch.

Offline ehm

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« Reply #26 on: August 15, 2004, 12:28:00 AM »
Getting this personal about a person who is a survivor, who knows about this site, but is too shy/fearful to post here would be a big warning flag to tread softly. You seemed to have jumped into this site head first, but where does that leave her comfort zone with ever coming here to post on her own? I mean, you've already revealed so much, I can understand how she would feel like her privacy has been invaded. My advice to you would be to edit all your posts about her and apologize to her for unintentionally breaking her trust.

Then, since she's not your girlfriend anymore, stop posting here. Let this be her turf, not your relationship advice chat network. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but have some consideration for how deep the waters of this situation goes. That's the main reason I tried to direct you to survivors of spouses. This is for her, that is for you. She hasn't even had a chance to post, and it's already been tainted for her.

I really think it would be best to take a big step back.

When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence.
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Offline phoenix

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« Reply #27 on: August 16, 2004, 10:56:00 PM »
Thanks Lezli,

Its done...
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Offline Anonymous

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« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2005, 11:29:00 AM »
I guess they broke up and now somebody is bitter? :roll:

http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?to ... t=20#93877
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Offline seamus

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« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2005, 01:34:00 PM »
[ This Message was edited by: seamus on 2005-04-08 10:37 ]
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