For me, it was, If I'm doing bad, or something goes wrong then, ?I'm a piece of shit." ? ?My failures are my fault? -- ?Everything?s my fault? and the ever so popular -- ?I?ll never be happy.? I mean, how many years in a row can you hear the words, ?You got yourself where you are right now,? before it just becomes you? Or, ?YOU?RE A FUCK-UP?? chiming through your head. You forget what love feels like, if you ever felt it at all, and never get a chance to learn anything about ?you? yourself. Everything's just programmed in. Your life is run by the conveyer belt of time, and sleep isn?t even peaceful anymore. Life is now "program." There?s no escaping your own mind, or lack there of. All I wanted was to get out, and when I got out I was lost, and didn?t know myself, but I knew what they told me I was.
Ever seen the movie Bladerunner? In one scene Daryl Hannah, (a replicant) finds out her memory didn?t really exist, even her pictures were fake, and her mind was just a memory card? That part of the movie has always gotten to me. That?s how I?ve always felt. Like a ghost in a shell. What?s less attractive than someone with no concept of self, and a shame based past, pre adult years? Who would want to talk about their highschool memories, when they were spent in a child drug war prison, a child prison camp, and a psyche ward? Half a decade of my young life stolen from me, and then two decades to heal from them. It?s taken a long time to come to terms with all that stuff. To realize that my lack of opportunity, freedom, protection and love, were not things that would forever hold be back from achieving all of them, perhaps for the first time, some day.
Hope springs eternal.
