I remember a time when I consistantly wished I were dead after leaving Kids. I remember feeling completely alone. I also felt that no matter what therapist or person I spoke with could fully understand my experience or the effects that it had on me.
It took me years to escape the darkness. To get some relief from the constant panic and anxiety I felt. It changed slowly and after many years I can say that I feel good most of the time.
I still get triggered by the strangest things. Lately I have had bad dreams about Kids.
But now my reactions to triggers are short lived and few.
I know that at my worst it wasn't too helpful to hear how happy someone else was because I thought they just didn't understand. I thought I was different.
In reality we are all different, and though we may have all suffered the same experiences, people seem to have different reactions and effects. Just remember though that you are not alone in what you are feeling now, or what you experienced then. Some of us have more difficulties than others and some people seem more prone to depression. I'm sure many factors play a part in that.
I've found personally that though people don't really understand what I've been through, they are willing to listen. I never feel this is something I have to hide about myself, and after talking and talking about it I learned that the people who think I'm a freak because of it aren't people I want to be friends with anyway. Those people who accepted my story or had their own warped experiences in life don't seem to have any problem with my story. It's part of my life and part of who I am.
Hiding it in the beginning for me was more damaging. It only made my panic and anxiety worse.
Posting here is a good place to start, and I hope you will realize that people here for the most part will relate to things you feel.
I don't have any words of wisdom, I wonder if your therapist isn't helping and you barely eat or leave the house, would you consider seeing a different one? Maybe someone who can help you figure out if it might be something chemical that medication could relieve or at least help? or someone who specializes in PTSD. I had a great deal of panic in any social situation and even leaving the house at one time. I still am an anxious person, but now it is something I can bare, and making connections as to why this is happening is helpful. I suspect before thinking of something like college (though I'm not sure how that fit in) leaving the house would be a good start, but I wanted to mention that when I got out, I went to the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation in Hackensack, NJ and they gave me transportation money, money toward tuition, and then some. They also offered counselling. I don't want to make the assumption that you have not gone to college or that you have, but it may be a resource for anyone considering going.
I hope that every time you wish you were dead, or you feel it's all just too much and you feel alone, you will post again, and remember there are people here thinking of you who have been through the same thing as you.
Let us know how you're doing. I'll be checking back.
