Hello Everyone,
I have been watching and reading this site for the past week. As a parent of a teen who just recently returned from his stay at the Whitmore, I have so many mixed feelings and emotions. Perhaps it is time I express some of what I am feeling.
How can I put the past year's emotions into a few paragraphs? Even more how do I describe the past 18 years with my son? I can only try to relate the past year my son spent at The Whitmore.
There is a part of me that feels very committed to The Whitmore, the kids and the "program." There is also a part of me with lots of questions. I made several visits to the Whitmore during the year he was there. Each visit was filled with an array of emotion and experiences. Fear, sadness, desperation, relief, joy, sorrow, and unbelievable guilt among many others.
There is also a part of me looking for more answers to explain some behavior and emotion my son is experiencing after his return home. He won't elaborate on much. He just simply says "you have no idea what it was like, you will never understand." He won't really condemn the Whitmore or defend them either. Maybe in time he will open up. I admit I am not sure I am prepared for what he may tell me.
I can honestly say our first contact and visit to the Whitmore was extremely warm, loving and in a way a relief. As a desperate parent not knowing where else to turn, you just need to see some light at the end of the tunnel. The Whitmore seemed to offer that. Testimonials from the other kids and their support to "come and join" made it even easier to stomach. We were sold, the papers signed and off I went holding my breath and praying all the way home.
His first 3 months were a tough adjustment. He was a spoiled, only child now in a home full of 30-40 teens. Not to mention they were all just like him! Talk about looking in the mirror every day.
My first visit was for Christmas. Probably a mistake in retrospect. It was too soon. He had not adjusted yet and was still extremely manipulative. It was a huge learning experience for all needless to say.
The second visit was 5 months later. It was a success. We had the best time we had had in years. He seemed to be on his way back to the person he used to be. Full of plans for the future and ready to face the world.
In the months that followed he seemed to be back-sliding. No one really knew why. It simply became a countdown period for him until he came home. To this day we still don't understand what happened. Maybe he just became a great actor and knew how to play the game. Maybe not.
The last visit was parent's weekend and time to come home! A moment filled with great anticipation and expectations. Big mistake. He looked the worst he had in nearly a year. He was not the same kid I saw in May. No motivation or even expression. He blew his part in the parent's weekend celebration. We still don't know why. I don't think it was personal towards us, but more a reflection on how he was feeling about himself.
To put an even stranger twist on the weekend, he had completely turned on Cheryl. In the previous months they appeared to be extremely close. He was even called her "favorite" by the others. He showed intense hatred and anger towards her. He called her a liar and a thief among other things. We were all in shock. It continues to baffle us to this day.
Since his return home he has been doing great. He passed his GED with honors. Finishing school in Utah was quite the issue and remains a mystery. We still don't know exactly how many credits he "earned." We were told it was up to Cheryl and we would have to see what she decided. We just assumed credits were credits. We finally gave up on getting his credits and decided to go for the GED. Long story short, he is now enrolled in college and doing great!
In response to some questions that have been raised previously:
1) Someone asked why a parent would allow another kid in the program to share their time with their kid. I can give some insight on that. During all of my visits I became very close to several of the kids. Many had not seen their own parents for months. When a parent comes to visit it is a big deal. I knew my son had also grown very close to most of the others there. He in fact invited several to join us for breakfast or a shopping trip to Provo.
I think it was more a support system for my son. It was comforting to have his friends with him and he wanted them to get out and have fun away from the Whitmore. Each visit I grew fonder of the kids. They truly were an amazing group and I enjoyed any time I spent with them. Saying good bye was almost as difficult for me when my son came home as it was for him. You can't imagine the bond that develops between all of them.
2) Sleep deprevation? All I know is when my son returned home he slept 10-12 hours a day for weeks. He kept saying "you don't understand what it was like. We only got 3-5 hours of sleep a night for almost a year." I thought he was exaggerating until I found this site.
3) Group therapy? He has also commented on the marathon sessions until early morning hours. He denied getting to sleep in later the next morning.
4) Getting beat up? He says it happened, even to him. He won't say any more. In fact he rarely says much. It is not something he feels comfortable discussing yet. He has no reason to lie now, he is home and safe.
5) Therapy with the Therapist? There wasn't any family therapy for months until I demanded we get it. He says he only had a handfull of one on one sessions in the last couple of months of his stay. We paid a monthly fee for "treatment." His therapist is no longer there and won't return my emails.
6) Flushing toilets? He confirmed that they were not allowed to "flush" the tissue and were instructed to put it in the trash. The trash person got the lucky job of disposing it! The reason is due to the septic system and not wanting to clean it out is what they were told. Who knows....
I know there have been more questions, some I am sure I can shed light on. I have taken up way to much space, but somehow feel relieved. What do I really think about the past year? All I know is my son is home and doing great. He is responsible, loving and mature. Was it the Whitmore and the program or was it just a matter of waking up and deciding to make something of his life. I don't know for sure. All I know is he is finally on the right track.
Do I think some questionable things happened during his stay? Yes, I am certain they did. Am I willing to persue it and condemn Mark and Cheryl for abusing my child? I doubt it. I think I will choose to thank God everyday for the son I have and the life we now share together. Do I believe Mark and Cheryl care about the kids in their program? Yes I do. It takes special people to live the lives they lead no matter what amount of money they might make. I saw what their lives were like and the hell one child can put them through-mine did! I also shared hugs, tears, laughter and joy. We may never know the whole truth. The bottom line is my child was saved and I am truly at peace for the first time in 18 years. Can I put a price on that? No.
Thank you for the opportunity to express myself.
A Whitmore Alumni Mom
Ps...Hi to any Whitmore kids that may read this, we love and miss you! (Rob and Eddie especially)
