"Sometimes when we get to talking, he's seeing her behavior as worse than it is because there's something developmental he's missing from not being around her all day. Sometimes, when we get to talking, he's seeing her wrap me around her finger and I didn't see it---because I'm around all day and he's got that perspective of a little distance. Sometimes it's a little bit of both."
"Get on the same team. Improvements in your daughter's behavior will follow."
I'm new to this forum and actually came here for advice, but first let me share a few things here because I think I'm a little ahead.
Kezzy, your post here is a cry for help. You may not find it here (all these opinions are very diverse and confusing), but simply by posting here, you are acknowledging that you do need support. That's a big thing to admit and your daughter is lucky to have such a caring Dad. Now, where to find the "right" support?
I know nothing about wilderness/ therapeutic schools but what I do know is that if you go through a few therapists (it took us 3), eventually you will find one who can help you as a family to sort things out. That has to be the first port of call. A good therapist (and by that I mean a qualified Child Psychologist, not a Social Worker who is barely out of her teens herself), can help you as a family agree ground rules that work for all of you. Our therapist first explored our particular parenting style. Some parents are strict she said, some are lenient. She told us that I was lenient (Mom) and he was strict (Stepdad), but that between us we were fairly middle ground. She also told us this in front of our teen, so we all were then able to sit down and discuss what we each thought the ground rulkes ought to be. Surprisingly, our teen cooperated with this exercise and before we knew it, we had a set of rules that started with NO PHYSICAL CONTACT - ie. once it gets to the retsraining stage, your in trouble. The solution is called "TIME OUT". Each has their own space. Sound familiar?
That sorted out the phyisical stuff and to get that perspective was very useful. It gave us ground rules as parents on which to build.
MOST IMPORTANT, we developed ground rules to which our TROUBLED TEEN AGREED and she even suggested a few! WOW!
Here's Rule 1: No punishment lasts for more than 24 hours. Some punishments only laST 10 MINUTES. If the bad behavior is repeated, so is the punishment, so in the theory, your teen can lose her privileges (TV/phone/compueter/rides home etc.) on an indefinite basis, but at the same time, she has the opportunity to win things back easily within a day.
The problem with giving out punishments that last a week, is that by the time that week is over, several more things will have happened, so the teen never gets a chance of winning her privileges back and the incentive to behave well is not there, hence there is no improvement. That's just Rule 1, but it's still working for us 2 years later.
Remember, family therapy is not an overnight fix, and whoever you select to help you, make sure they see your teen alone, as well as together as a family. If your wife will not go, go without her. There are various tests they can run on the teen to assess where the problems lie.
Whatever you decide, don't do nothing. There is a reason why your teen is acting out and you probably already know what that is, so don't brush it off or ignore it.
Deal with it.
Good luck!
