Is everyone here as f*cked up as I am?

[Mamma Bird]

I am freaking out all night (it's almost 1 am where I live), I have been thinking nonstop about straight since yesterday and I just almost hyperventilated trying to explain it to my husband. He didn't get it, at all. I've never told him the whole story.
 I was so lost and angry for so long after I got out and then slowly I started feeling human and as if I might even have valuable contributions to make to the world and my friends might actually like me and maybe I could be with someone who wasn't verbally abusive (to this day I am so uncomfortable with people who don't scream angrily at me to show how much they care- I'm only half joking :cry: ) And lately my husband is oh so obliging.
 I really was ok for a while, then I had a really horrible loss 18 months ago and in grieving I have totally backslid. I am not seeing how I am gonna come out of this one. It was so hard and took so long to be "ok" after straight and now almost everything I worked so hard to overcome is back.
 So my question is...are all of you in horrible relationships, with low self esteem, constant anger, frequently fearful that something really scary is going to happen, etc? And when something bad happens do you just cave, are our "defenses" weaker?
 God this a novel. Thanks for listening.

 To quote an old misbehaver who used to make up her own lyrics to those STUPID f*cking songs, "Straight is shit"

Peace to you all.

[JDavid]

Is this lyrical genius misbehavor on this site somewhere?

I hope it is just temporary that "it is back".  I think of it as working myself out of a maze, but it's always the same maze.  The more I work through the maze the more I memorize it, and the quicker I conquer setbacks.


[ This Message was edited by: JDavid on 2003-06-27 16:19 ]

[gduncan]

Mamma Bird- I'm curious, how long were you in the program?  How long ago were you in the program? I got out in 1982 and I was angry for awhile (for reasons I won't go into right now) and there came a point where I told myself to get over it and move on because I was dwelling in the past.  Without knowing more about you and what you went through, all I can say is I hope you find support from this forum and I hope you can find some inner peace.  Remember, you're not alone, we're all here for you!

[ This Message was edited by: gduncan on 2003-06-27 17:36 ]

[ehm]

I'm sure I am.

[ehm]

http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?topic=1790&forum=7

[Anonymous]

"I have been thinking nonstop about straight since yesterday"

This is a normal reaction to remembering the past. Most people advise newbie posters to "take it easy and slowly" because we recognize that we cannot alter the past, and we also have plenty of time to learn to cope with it, so there is a need for patience on our part.

Did you just now realize you were damaged goods, since you started reliving Straight? OR have you been aware you were all along screwed up in the head prior to the memories? If the former is more the case, you should probably just take it slow. If the latter, don't worry, people here can help out. If necessary, you may need counseling to process things. If things get too heavy for you, watch a corny movie and just laugh yourself silly. This does wonders for me. I love the movie THE STUPIDS with Tom Arnold, you should rent it i a pinch.

[85 Day Jerk]

I think alot of this can boil down to what they call "The American Way."  Straight was the American Nightmare.  It was a way for parents to justify a lifestyle that owed more to the corporate bosses and industries than family.  Straight was run like a giant AmWay meeting.  They had complete control of their "product line" which happened to be all of us.  You are just going through realization shock is all.  Since you are an adult running a household now, you cannot understand how you could have been placed in such an environment.  Well Mamma Bird, you are not alone.  The thoughts and dreams went away after about 2 weeks for me, but I still post regularly and am going to attend the conference.  I first joined the board shortly after the one in 2002 and had a nightmare that made me wake up screaming.  Several folks from the board remembered me and invited me to a meeting a few cities away.  I dreamed I went to the meeting and afterward my car would not start.  I was offered a ride and next thing I know we are driving on the Sunshine Skyway.  Everyone was smiling and suddenly we were all young again.  Then the dream got weird.  It was the old Southbound Span we were driving on that was hit by a freighter in 1980 and came crashing into the bay.  The guy and girl in the front seat that had'nt seen me in over 22 years said, "Don't worry Bob, we found a way to make it all go away," and with that we drove off the broken end and plunged to the water 171 feet below.  I had slid off the bed onto the floor, and what I thought was seaweed choking me was the top sheet, the scream still locked in my throat as I staggered across the room and felt for the light switch.  Dispite all of this, I still went the the meeting 2 days later.  There, feel better now?

[JDavid]

I should add: Yes, I think we are as fucked up as you are.  But, I think revelling in our angst and bashing the founders and executives is the greatest thing for us.  Plus, it's fun.  Just doing stuff like that with other people coming along backing it up makes me feel awesome.  We get our kicks out of doing it, but we realize we are correct in the process.

[METALGOD8]

It took me about 3 days of nonstop being awake and another couple months of "I just remembered" to maintain an even keel so to speak with regards to the straight inc experience. I knew something was wrong when I realized that I had been in that place 20 years PRIOR, and was remembering things as clear as day. Dreams didnt kick in till a few months ago though. I have had a couple, but they are of me as a 40 year old newcomer just sitting there watching the bullshit going on and waiting for someone to "confront" me so I can laugh at them. I think it's a good idea to take it easy on the memory stuff, but once you start, it is like a snowball going down a mountain. The snowball eventually will come to a stop so it's not hopeless. If you have made it this far, you should be OK. Just keep in contact here and anytime you have a situation to talk about, go right ahead. There are a number of sites dedicated to survivors of straight, like the group one at Yahoo. There may be some help there if you go. Lots of stories that refer to now and how the program affected us in all sorts of ways. Most of the people get along most of the time. We have yelling and berating from time to time, but hey, we were trained to be that way by the program so what do people expect?
Good luck.

MG8 :smokin:

[Mamma Bird]

I was in the program for 19 months, I got out 13 years ago. I thought I WAS "over" the anger etc, that it didn't have me anymore...but I'm just in a pit for the past year and a half.

[ehm]

Particular disorders, due to trauma or abuse sometimes don't start to manifest themselves until the middle to late 20s.

I think hormones play a role in this too, but that's my opinion. What you are experiencing unfortunately is the norm. We were all taken and shaken. I've been in therapy for three years. I discoverd these boards and info on Straight almost five months ago. I'm still dealing with it. The shock for me has subsided, but the wound that finding all this opened again is deep. I'm only starting to learn to cope. It's a tragic truth we all have in common. We were all POWs. It takes years to work through something like this. I don't think I'll ever completely forget the torment, fear and aloneness I felt during that time in my life.. ::alieneyesa::You're not alone.
Take care of yourself.

[Froderik]

It's funny how we bury it all...and how looking back we see how it probably screwed us up in many different ways, (emotionally, etc.) These boards can help to bring about these sort of realizations, so that we can make some sense of it all...  :cool:

[Antigen]

On 2003-06-27 15:57:00, Mamma Bird wrote:

To quote an old misbehaver who used to make up her own lyrics to those STUPID f*cking songs, "Straight is shit"

Aw hell! I used to say that when I was on 5th phase. Either no one ever noticed, no one ever wanted to risk my turning a confrontation around on them or no one ever objected. I'm really not sure which.

Yeah, we all have problems. But look around. Lots of other people have the same kinds of problems with nowhere near as good an excuse as we have.

20 years ago, I was not a happy camper. I remember many nights spent pacing the floor, crying inconsolably, shouting matches and endless interrogations with various lovers, no friends. I'm convinced that my husband is either a saint or he was a wicked SOB in his past life and was sent to me to pay penance. It took some time, but I'm alright now.

So, what next? My daughter tells me to be patient with her boyfriend, to whom we refer affectionately (or not) as Psycho Boy, because he's been diagnosed with 'borderline personality disorder'. "So then, he's a certified asshole? What's your point?", I ask. Sometimes she laughs, sometimes she gets very angry.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it really doesn't. You do get better at it, though.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make  some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

[Mamma Bird]

Thanks, everyone. It is so strange and yet such a relief to find people who speak in the same patterns I think, if that makes sense? I really appreciate everyones' responses.
 I guess I always thought I was "damaged goods" as someone put it, but I also thought I had accepted a lot of things about myself and learned to live reasonably happily with who I am. I had a baby girl about 20 months ago, and was so so happy and looking into her eyes right after she was born I felt a million hurts heal and suddenly I knew I had a "right" to be here and that I'd contributed something really wonderful to the world. But she got really sick when she was 2 weeks old and died from complications of her illness after 5 weeks of fighting for her life in the PICU.
 I have felt like this has been a punishment to me for trying to be happy and live a normal life when I'm so obviously a fuck-up and not someone who has beauty and perfection or anything as wonderful as my daughter was. I feel like it's my fault. Everything I put back together after Straight has shattered again and I try but I just don't feel ok or useful or like I have a right to be here.
 I have a six month old son now (I was pregnant again 2 months after my daughter's death) who I love more than anything on earth (as I love his sister more than anything in the stars) and lately I feel a breakdown coming on in the back of my head and I am so terrified. I am terrified all the shit I managed to forget is going to come back and get me and I'm going to get put in a psych hospital and he will be taken away from me. Last night I could not sleep for anything, I was freezing cold even though it was hot in my room and I drifted in and out of a state of near panic all night.
 Yeah, I need counseling. I will look when I am home (I live overseas now but am going back to MI july-oct). I am gonna check out ISAC site I guess.
 Thanks just for listening.

[gduncan]

MB- First of all let me say that you are not damaged goods.  I am appalled that someone, especially an Anonymous poster, would say such a thing.  He or she obviously has issues and has not taken responsibility for their own life and they blame everyone but themselves for their position in life.   I will say to that  person to GET A LIFE!  If you think about it everyone in this world is  fucked up to some degree.  How a person deals with it is what makes the difference.  

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your infant daughter.  I can not begin to imagine what it has been like for you, and I am happy to hear that you have a son.  I have 2 sons, 4 & 6, and I will tell you that time goes by quickly so cherish every moment with him.

You were not being punished for anything and don?t blame yourself.  Perhaps this breakdown you are feeling is a combination of the grief of losing a child and Postpartum Depression.  Also, maybe trying to forget the past is part of the equation.  Regardless of what you?ve been through you deserve to be happy and don?t let what happened at Straight 13 years ago hold you back  or make you think differently.  Break those chains that have enslaved you!!  

Don?t be afraid to remember.  My advice is to start with the first page of this forum and read some of the old posts and reply to those that  stir something inside you.  I believe that as you respond and get feedback from others you will begin to get some closure.