I attended an open meeting this month

[ClayL]

On 2003-07-04 03:49:00, Anonymous wrote:

Poor Claydog's sponsor was probably one of the one's banging his girlfriend.

To New Beginnings ::cheers:: "

How did you know?

CL

[Anonymous]

Poor Claydog's sponsor was probably one of the one's banging his girlfriend.

To New Beginnings  "
 


Clay wrote:
How did you know?


Either I am a prophet or I have seen my share of AA flunkies. It doesn't surprise me one bit. The AA rhetoric I heard was that they are "winners" if they don't take a drink today, which is crazy. You gotta do a lot more than that to be a "winner" in my book. But when you're in these meetings day in and out, you tend to absorb the fibs and cliches. I couldn't agree that these seducers of many new and unstable women to the program were "winners", but "sinners", yea the very hounds of hell sporting 30 day chips. I better stop before I alienate the spies on the boards who are secretly seducing women with their 30 day AA chip wisdom and wit.

I have been sober for almost 28 months now and I refuse to go back to AA where the most sobriety I had was 5 1/2 months on the marijuana maintence program. I recently thought about going back just to visit, but I don't see any point in it. It's like deciding to downgrade everything on your home computer so that it's slower and more time consuming.

[SurvivorEMSR]

We used to get in trouble if we didn't have smiles on our faces while we sang those stupid songs during open meeting, "and when I bee-came a Pathing, all my feelings were understood." God, I hated that song. EMSR

[ehm]

"a pathing?" not pathling huh?

hmh.

[Antigen]

On 2003-07-06 14:50:00, SurvivorEMSR wrote:

"We used to get in trouble if we didn't have smiles on our faces while we sang those stupid songs during open meeting, "and when I bee-came a Pathing, all my feelings were understood." God, I hated that song. EMSR"

Oh? A new song on the play list? Well then! Everything's changed. I feel better now. I hated all the forced elation, hugging, touching. The worst, though, was when someone was getting 'restrained' and crying out and we'd have to sing Zipity-do-dah at high decibles so as to drown out the unpleasantness happening on the floor just off to the side of group.

The internet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
--John Gilmour

[pepper53190]

When I am round people I know I am the same way. My issue here was the straight definition of honesty. I found myself talking about things that are really no one elses business. Learning when to stop was key to continued growth.

I haven't read responses to this topic in a while.  I recently lost a job for the very reason Clay from above said.  I could never learn when to shut my mouth.  I always feel it nessecar to talk about how I feel about something.  I don't know how to fake not being upset about something.  I am starting to get very helpless about not controlling emotions. I started new meds even (lithium) and they aren't even helping.  My god the things I say to people, and it is NONE of their business. They probably wonder what the hell is my problem.  And shit, since I stopped going to AA, I have NO social life whatso ever, I don't know what to talk about to regular normal people. fuck what a failure I feel I am.

[sammiegirl]

I hope that you have gone back and read your past writtings on this...... I too felt a certain belonging in the OM as I sat there and could relate and feel a sence of normalcy... Unfortunatly it was the programing I recieved as a child rearing its ugly head telling me that I would be nothing w/out straight..
After many years of deprogramming I finaly came to understand why I went back in the first place "Morbid recollection" Please do some reading on Patty hearst and also the Stockholm Syndrome. It will help you to realise why you still needed to find goodness in a heinous action brought on by Evil people. I have meet Brian Seeber and I will tell you that he is just as EVIL as the rest and inspite of the numerous reports by professionals Brian insists that coersion and abuse is the way to conform the thoughts of children. That it is OK to kidnapp a child in the night, that it is ok to break the spirit of a child removing all individuality and in turn replace the thoughts and spiritual beliefs with his own docterin the docterin of SEED STRAIGHT now known as SAFE. I was at the newest Bldg recently and the CHILDREN are still prisioners. The windows were covered. The doors guarded. The children still being punished for seeking their own individuality. I hope that you have come to some sense of independance, and now realise the grave mistake it was to return. Just as it would be harmful for and alcoholic to go to a bar and believe that the bar was GOOD and Kind. So is it try try and justify to yourself that "Maybe it wasn't that bad" "They have changed" Reminds me of the battered spouse syndrome. "They said their sorry They said they've changed. Maybe they have.. So I'll put myself in harms way again." As we all know this is a farce.. As is the supposed changes at SAFE.
Please don't take this as a put down as I know that the first post was over a year ago. I hope and pray that you now see the light.

[ehm]

I'm glad you're seeing the light, but I'm sorry how painful your discoveries are becoming Jen. What you're going through is why I tried to self medicate (alcohol&drugs) myself through my pain and frustration for almost a decade. For the past three years is was just alcohol and now just cigarettes. I've tried every drug that my doctor would prescribe for everything from anxiety attacks, depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, to insomnia, or lack of motivation. I have found that unless there really is some chemical imbalance that is fixed by the use of any of these anti-depressants or psycho- stimulants, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers or benzodiazapans (such as valium), I have yet to find any that are "just for me." I played the hopscotch game with meds from my doctor/psychiatrist for about one solid year. Then I picked one that stabilized me and helped me function in everyday life, and used it until I realized I didn't need it to be *me anymore. I would not have come as far as I feel I have with out him as my doctor and counselor. I needed years of real therapy. Now it's just me and I see him around once a month. Medication is a temporary solution. It can be very frustrating. Unless you are schizophrenic, bipolar, diabetic, or anything else that requires long term medication, you won't need them forever. You'll be better soon with not needing anything but your own mind to help you decide things. What it takes is training. You have to re-train yourself and your mind on, "How to think and live in the real world." Saying what you are reeeeeally thinking is rarely acceptable.

It takes time, and you may need counseling, but you'll find that, your emotions will no longer control your impulses. You will be free from all of the guilt and fear they fed us for vitamins. You will be YOU again. I only wish the very best of luck and hope to you along your path. You'll be all right.

[ehm]

"Saying what you are reeeeeally thinking is rarely acceptable."

In no way am I trying to say that saying what you mean is not a good thing in most cases. What I am talking about is when you want to "go off on"  someone or "give them a piece of your mind" However, saying anything at all a lot of times is just a bad idea, hence, "you have the right to remain silent" and so forth.

Anyway...  :smile:

Real criminals walk free every day to rape, rob, and murder again because the courts are so busy finding consensual criminals guilty of hurting no one but themselves.... To free cells for consensual criminals, real criminals are put on the street every day.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0931580587/circlofmiamithem' target='_new'>Peter McWilliams

[Antigen]

Hey there, Jen. Welcome back to reality. I mean that in the warmest and most sincere way. I know it's a cold shock.

Even though I fought to get out and you've worked pretty hard at staying in, I think I have an idea how you feel now. See, it wasn't just the two years at Straight for me. That was preceded by about 10 years of being the little sister in a Seed family. I remember sitting on the rocks at a Sarasota beach at sunset thinking "careful what you wish for". I'd gotten out, sure. And, true to my word and hopes, I had no problem mastering a job and a place to stay. So, now what?

Nothing. I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted to do or anyone I wanted to see or anything. It was frightening. As a little kid, I used to play at some wild daydreams. One favorite of mine was wondering what if I'm the only real person and everything else is an illusion or the other way around. What if I don't exist. Well that thought hit me only it was not fun or interesting, it was absolutely terrifying!

Back then, I decided to go back to Pompano where I'd spent my first 15 years or so and see if anything looked familiar. I was trying, litterally, to remember who I was. I suppose if I were in your shoes right now, I'd try something like that. Can you think of any old friends, teachers, neighbors, anyone from before the Program who you might want to look up? I know it's been a very long time. But it's not un-normal for people to get curious and just drop someone a line out of the blue and see how they're doing. Or try and think of something along the lines of a hobby or area of study that you've always thought about doing or a place you've wanted to visit and just throw yourself into it. That's pretty much how I became a programer.

You'll get another job, don't worry about that. And you'll get back on stride. I wish I could tell you that the whole impact of the Program will just go away. But I don't think it ever really does. I count myself lucky to have my husband's oldest and best friends as my own. But I also envy them. It's not exactly the same as having my own history and my own old friends.

But I do have all the good and all the bad that I've made for myself over the past 20 years. That untethered feeling does pass afther awhile.

As to drugs, when I get a real bad attack of it, I swear to you, St. John's Wort works for me. It has to be either fresh or tinctured, though. The dried herb capsules are practically worthless. But it doesn't go with other psyche drugs. You might read up on it and see if your shrinker is willing to help you give it a go. The nice thing about it is that you really don't have to take it all the time, every day or anything. I just use a few teaspoons full in a cup of water when I want it, which is only once in a week or two anymore.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be OK in the long run. If nothing else, watch some international news on tv and consider that it could be far worse and be thankful.

To go to Journal of Applied Polymer Science go to http://www3.interscience.wiley.com and then journal search and put the journal number and year
-- Journal of Applied Polymer Science  Vol. 47, 1984

[Anonymous]

I unfortuneatly don't remember much before the program.  I went back to Coral Springs once to see some old friends, but they were no help because I really never belonged with them either.  I used to say that I never knew where I belonged until I went into Straight.  I felt in someway they gave me the only definition of me that made any sense.  Now I am beginning to question the 14 year old theroy I have based my life on.  But my question is......Do the issues (ie..lack of ability to function emotionally mature) I have in my life REALLY stem from being in Straight?  Because I sit here still in support of most of what the place does.  Don't be angry at me. Ya all's post were very helpful and I hope to hear from you again

[Antigen]

I remember all the talk from other Straightlings about how lonely and different they all felt before the program. You know the riot act, "all my old friends were mean and awful and none of them liked me" blah, blah, blah.

I understand now that, to some degree, that's a normal part of growing up. But I didn't really buy it coming from most of these kids. I was lonely and different! At school, I was teachers' pet and the punch line of every joke. I saw other kids laughing, playing, talking about the fun things they did on the weekend or over the summer. I knew the difference.

I don't know what emotionally normal really means. I'm different than I would have been if my life had been different, obviously. But I really can't complain. Them that know me know me well, all the rest can go to hell. My close friends are as weird and wonderful (or awful, depending on your point of view) as I am. I think that's an imutable law of nature. You just start from wherever you find yourself and go from there.

Your milage may vary.

The disrespect for the possession laws fosters a disrespect for laws and the system in general... On top of this is the distinct impression among the youth that some police may use the marihuana laws to arrest people they don't like for other reasons, whether it be their politics, their hair style or their ethnic background.
                                                                     
http://www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/library/studies/nc/ncmenu.htm' target='_new'>Marihuana: A Signal of Misunderstanding

[kaydeejaded]

You know that sucked so bad. Trying to get out for so damn long and then when I finally came back to NY I really did not fit in.

Straight changed me alright, not exactly what my parents had in mind but I was different.

I could not find any pleasure in anything from my old life it was as if someone had stripped it all away, everything seemed meaningless petty empty, I missed it so much and then I had it back and I still had nothing.

What a rip off.
I see why so many x-straighlings commited suicide there was no easy transition back into the "real world" life with Striaght was hell life without was strange.

Scoundrels are predictable, but you're a man of honor and that frightens me.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671877046/' target='_new'> Robert Heinlein, Glory Road.

[sammiegirl]

On 2003-10-27 14:38:00, Anonymous wrote:

 Now I am beginning to question the 14 year old theroy I have based my life on.  But my question is......Do the issues (ie..lack of ability to function emotionally mature) I have in my life REALLY stem from being in Straight?  Because I sit here still in support of most of what the place does.

Well from my experience and from being w/other straightlings and nonstraightlings I can say that WE all share the same charicteristics. I also remember thinking "well if they didn't do this" or "It wasn't realy that bad" "Maybe some people need that place" Then I realised that it was the thinking of "STRAIGHT"
No child and I repeat NO CHILD should ever have to go through 1% of what we endured and it is wrong to coerce or intimidate or refuse HUMAN DIGNITY in the name of anything!!! Wether it is SAFE STRAIGHT ELAN PARADISE OR ANY OTHER PLACE. It is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
No matter the situation everyone is entitled to DUE PROCESS everyone is entitled to an EDUCATION. Everyone is entitled to DIGNITY. and any place that takes a young mind and TWISTS IT TO THEIR DOCTRIN is EVIL. Then to PROFIT off of it and to continue the ABUSE for MONEY./ Well forgive me but it is unforgiveable to support even a mineut portion of it. To say well they used to abuse kids but now their better? GIVE ME A BREAK!! If it were any other situation ie DAY CARE, A HOSPITLE, The CHURCH, The BASTARDS would have been convicted and sitting their asses in jail.
Because it was done under the false pretenses of "THE WAR ON DRUGS" It has been ignored.  I for one will not be ignored and I will not stand idely by and let them continue the ABUSE no matter how SMALL you might think it is. It is still life altering damage that could have been prevented had it not been for MEL and his CROONIES paying off the Gov. Putting the money from our parents into the pockets of the buearocratic [sp] cold hearted MONSTERS that KNEW the ABUSE was occuring and turned their back on us.
Just like the GERMANS that lived outside of AUSCHWITZ, While millions of JEWS were slaughtered and ABUSED. These monsters DID and ARE STILL DOING THE SAME THING. TURNING THEIR BACKS ON OUR CHILDREN. I say our because it is the responsibility of each and everyone of us to help those that can not help themselves.
God Bless and Protect you and our CHILDREN
Sammie

[GregFL]

Pepper, I read thru this entire thread again and find myself a bit disturbed by the whole thing. As an outsider looking in I can see how you lived a lie for so long,the lie that you were defined and found yourself in thought reform. It never happened and quite possibly this may be where you lost your way.

The problem, my friend, is you can never find yourself in a place where individuality is punished, where thought is coined "getting in your head" and deeply discouraged, and where you must adopt a group mentality. You will only find yourself doing what you are doing here...questioning yourself. It is a process and a life long one at that. Take the time to answer those questions critically but looking back at yourself with forgiveness and you will endure and prosper.  

Take those months or years spent in thought reform off the shelf, look at what happened critically. forgive yourself and others and then put it away, and move forward from there. If you define yourself from that point, that very negative and hurtfull childhood experience when you were told you were worthless and only could receive love from the group, you lose. If you overcome, understand and learn from it, you win.

You can do it...

 

A government resting on the minority is an aristocracy, not a Republic, and could not be safe with a numerical and physical force against it, without a standing army, an enslaved press and a disarmed populace.
http://memory.loc.gov/const/fed/fed_46.html' target='_new'>James Madison, The Federalist No. 46