Does WWASP carry on the "The first and most impotant rule" cunard? In Seed, Straight and follow-on programs, the austensible "First and most important rule" is Honesty. But honesty, in cult parlance, is redefined to mean something completely different.
An honest parent knows that, no matter how disturbing your kids' behavior may be to you; no matter how mysterious and distant they may get, you could always be dead wrong in your assumptions about what they really think, what they'll do next or how it will all turn out.
Worried because your kid suddenly thinks neo-nazi skinheads are the coolest thing since Elvis? You're just dead certain he'll do something to mess up the rest of his life if you don't do
something to intervene? Bull puckey! As an adult with life experience and having had time to reflect on youthful indiscretion, all you really know is that he
might make mistakes that he'll regret forever. How do you know that? Well, you did, didn't you? And you learned from them and you managed to pull your shit together and become a responsible adult, just like most everyone else does.
When a kid reaches a certain level of maturity, they do not want and (brace yourself! this is a bitter pill to swollow) they do not NEED your help. In fact, the more you interfere without invitation, the easier it is for them to blame you for bad results and push you further away in an effort to prove it was all your fault things went bad.
There's a subtle difference in tone and tennor between "Aw Mom, but I don't
want to brush my teeth!" and "It's none of your damned business who my friends are! All you do is condemn them!"
In the first case you know, really, they hate getting cavities more than you hate paying for them and they really do want you to take responsibility because they know the facts and they know you're right. In the second case they really don't know the outcome and, if you're completely honest with yourself about it, you don't either.
What I wouldn't give to have figured that out a few years ago! By the time I figured out that my kid had to figure out her new bestest friends for herself, our relationship was such a shipwreck that she barely spoke to me. I earned back the priviledge of being included in her life by not commenting or speculating on any aspect of her life without her invitation. She'd call me for family recipies, medical advice or just to hear a friendly voice. One day, she looked around and realized that all these people who'd she thought were better than family were turning into a bunch of coke-heads and junkies. Her tuition/car money was gone on this and then the next "emergency" and there wasn't a damned one of them who she could count on to really help when Mr. Wonderful got rough with her.
Without a word to us about her troubles, she got on a bus for home when she was good and damned well ready to do it. As no one can know the mind of another, I don't
know what would have happened if I'd played it differently early on. But it seems obvious to me that she would have seen these idiots for what they are a whole lot sooner if I hadn't drawn that line in the sand as I did. I don't mean I should have encouraged her involvement w/ these people. Just that I should have been a little more tactful, less insulting and less combative about it. I should have had more faith in my kid.
When I quit trying to control my daughter and shove advice on her that she hadn't asked for, she started asking me for advice again. Now that she's home again, that has not changed. I'm extremely proud of her for having the backbone to take charge of her own situation and for having learned from her mistakes like an adult.
People don't just wake up one day and decide it's a wonderful idea to call in a couple of Marines (no such thing as an exMarine, just ask one) to come in with shackles and drugs to take their kid by force to a place where you will not be allowed to see or speak to them and about which there are constant allagations of cruelty, fraud and brainwashing. It takes some conditioning to get to that point.
Take everything the Partnership for a Drug Free America and all the TOUGHLOVE hategroups tell you turn it upside down and play it backward.
Don't invade your kids' privacy. They need it. Don't fall for the false notion that this is some kind of battle and that you and your kids are destined to be on opposing sides. You're not. You want them to grow up to be responsible, capable and happy adults. That's what they want. They
will make mistakes. How else does anyone ever learn anything? But they'll make some calls better than yours, too. That katty girl I disliked very much as I watched her manipulate and hurt my daughter years ago also grew out of her teen angst and turned out to be the most decent, understanding and true friend a kid could ever have. Thank GOD my kid knew better than to always do what Mommy says wrt choosing her friends!
Your kid doesn't owe you anything yet. Wait till you're old and senile and, if you've earned it, they'll be plenty busy taking care of your needs. Right now, it's not apropriate to be
angry with our kids when they make mistakes that primarily effect themselves? Are you embarrassed of your kids? Just take a moment and reflect on all the times and circumstances when you've embarrassed them; intentionally or not.
It's apropriate to be angry when your kid does a real harm to you, like stealing from you or something. It's not a good idea to make all out war against your own kin or to exact revenge. What you really want is for the kid to realize their mistake, learn from it and go on to make new and more interesting mistakes. That's what they want too.
It's also inapropriate and just plain foolish to expect an immiture kid to behave as an adult. Remember that, most of the time, they don't think they need you at all for any reason. Sure, deep down they know the truth. But that's just not on their primary agenda right now.
You always hurt the ones you love because, deep down, you know they'll always be there for you. When you turn your "problem" over to people who will force your will on your kid in ways that would be felonies if you did the same things, you betray that sacred trust. You will never fully regain it, ever, don't kid yourself. The best you can hope for is to patch things up somewhat at some future date.
As adults, we know that that angry kid who doesn't want anything to do with us right now will want and need safe harbour and affection and help later. You're the one who has to use all the experience, intelligence and wisdom you can muster to not let any momentary battle come between you in such a profound way as to compromise that relationship because you're the one who understands in real terms how important it really is.
Talk to your kids when they want to talk to you about what they want to talk about. Come up with ideas. If they hate school, whether you agree or even understand the reasons they give you for hating it, don't just but your foot down (on their neck) and insist that they suck it up like you did. Look into duel enrolement, homeschooling, peace core, a move to a different school district, see if they want to go live with relatives, find out every decent option for solving the problem they want solved.
Don't ever quit reminding them, in ways both subtle and gross, that you really are on their side. It's so damned easy for them to forget sometimes and so hard to regain that trust once lost.
Save our planet; it's the only one with chocolate!
--Andi, domestic goddess
