Really? You're a dom? Interesting...
I can't credit CEDU for making me a pervert. Perversion is hard-wired, IMO. I started to realize I was into masochism before I went to that place, I just didn't know how to deal with it.
Although, for me, S&M was never about sex. I think I had sex during only a couple of scenes, and they were simply one small part of it, as opposed to it being one of those "spank me three times then fuck me" things. It's been a while since I played, though. It was one of those things that we took as far as we could go, and then had kind of the ultimate scene, and we realized "Well, anything after that would be pretty anticlimactic." So we stopped. Doesn't mean I'm not open to it again, but I'm very particular about my tops. The beauty about being a submissive is that you are in control at all times. You just pretend not to be. wheeee!
I can't say for sure whether I dissociated during scenes. Normally, you are so loopy on endorphines that it's hard to tell. I don't think I did, because it wasn't about sex. I think I did start to drift off those couple of moments when sex was involved, though. But I came right back to the present again after that part was through.
You know, with the BDSM thing, when the endorphins kick in it can kind of pull you away from yourself---you feel great, but it does pull you out of yourself if you get a really good scene.
That's a form of dissociation and somewhat may set you up. I'm not saying it's the cause.
I would suspect the cause is control. When you're giving head, you are in complete control of the actions--which is a little counter-intuitive, since you're a sub, but there it is.
You lost so much healthy control during your time at CEDU that you have to get back in touch with it.
Trusting your partner during sex enough for
you to have a good time takes a certain degree of healthy boundaries.
Put another way, there's only so far your sense of boundaries (in the psychological jargon sense) can be effed up before it sabotages your ability to emotionally participate.
You're gun shy of voluntary intimacy because of the forced intimacy--such as intimate self-disclosure, lack of privacy--that was inflicted on you by CEDU.
To be able to be "all there" during sex, you're going to have to get your boundaries back on an instinctive level instead of just an intellectual level.
That's really hard to do without a good therapist.
I know Program survivors are also gun shy about therapists. Again, this goes to boundaries and control. You are used to lack of control about therapy in the exact same way as you are used to lack of control about intimacy.
Just taking the affirmative step of going to a good, ethical therapist and starting therapy---recognizing that you are in control of which therapist, finding one that meets
your ethical criteria, finding one who respects you, and leaving if you decide that particular therapist isn't for you--that's good for you recovering a healthy sense of boundaries.
See, you will be accepting control of a therapeutic relationship. Control of that relationship is entirely within your own personal boundaries. Accepting that control and making that choice yourself faces your fear of forced, bad therapy and reinforces reclaiming your healthy boundaries.
That, in itself, is a step towards recovering your good boundaries enough to enjoy sexual intimacy.
Yes, you can control whether or not you see a therapist. But if you don't see one just because you're afraid, then you're not facing that fear. You sound like you're strong enough to face that one down. Exercising your
choice of therapists and choosing to face that fear is a step forward all on its own.
You dissociate because your control is threatened, you don't know where your boundaries are, you now see control in black and white--which is why you can do scenes, too. In scenes, the control is black and white.
Julie
