Public Displays of Caring/Empathy

[Anonymous]

I read this comment on MySpace:

You know you've been at HLA too long when your friend is sad but you would NEVER pass them a tissue.

Can someone explain?
Was all crying interpreted as manipulation?
Were you discouraged from showing any empathy for another's suffering?
I once read about WWASP that a girl was harshly punished for hugging a friend who was crying because it was Christmas and she was homesick. Is it something like that?

[Anonymous]

I read this comment on MySpace:

You know you've been at HLA too long when your friend is sad but you would NEVER pass them a tissue.

Can someone explain?
Was all crying interpreted as manipulation?
Were you discouraged from showing any empathy for another's suffering?
I once read about WWASP that a girl was harshly punished for hugging a friend who was crying because it was Christmas and she was homesick. Is it something like that?

There was a kid who kept telling staff he was suicidal (oh and yes, he did have serious depression), but they wouldn't believe him. He kept begging them to take him to the hospital - instead they put him on restrictions because they said he was manipulating.

Don't show sympathy towards anyone else or you'll be accused of helping them manipulate.

[Anonymous]

I read this comment on MySpace:

You know you've been at HLA too long when your friend is sad but you would NEVER pass them a tissue.

Can someone explain?
Was all crying interpreted as manipulation?
Were you discouraged from showing any empathy for another's suffering?
I once read about WWASP that a girl was harshly punished for hugging a friend who was crying because it was Christmas and she was homesick. Is it something like that?

Again, this is where common sense and good training come into play.  There are times when it is best not to hand someone a tissue.  If they are working on an issue that has been difficult for them and they are finally able to tap into some emotions that they have been holding back for a long time, then it would be best just to let the person cry or to set the tissue box beside them in case they choose to take it.  There are times when you have to let people get there feelings out.  What is the first thing someone typically does when they are handed a tissue?  They start pulling themselves together and try to stop crying.  In a therapy group some people are enevitably less comfortable with crying than others.  If you hand someone a tissue it may be more that YOU want them to stop crying rather than them needing to be comforted at that time.

A good therapist will manage the group in such a way that he/she lets the group members know when it is time to comfort the person crying and when to just let them cry because that is what they need.  Of course this further points out the need for licensed counselors in a TBS setting.

[Anonymous]

I read this comment on MySpace:

You know you've been at HLA too long when your friend is sad but you would NEVER pass them a tissue.

Can someone explain?
Was all crying interpreted as manipulation?
Were you discouraged from showing any empathy for another's suffering?
I once read about WWASP that a girl was harshly punished for hugging a friend who was crying because it was Christmas and she was homesick. Is it something like that?

Again, this is where common sense and good training come into play.  There are times when it is best not to hand someone a tissue.  If they are working on an issue that has been difficult for them and they are finally able to tap into some emotions that they have been holding back for a long time, then it would be best just to let the person cry or to set the tissue box beside them in case they choose to take it.  There are times when you have to let people get there feelings out.  What is the first thing someone typically does when they are handed a tissue?  They start pulling themselves together and try to stop crying.  In a therapy group some people are enevitably less comfortable with crying than others.  If you hand someone a tissue it may be more that YOU want them to stop crying rather than them needing to be comforted at that time.

A good therapist will manage the group in such a way that he/she lets the group members know when it is time to comfort the person crying and when to just let them cry because that is what they need.  Of course this further points out the need for licensed counselors in a TBS setting.

Good points, but what happens when crying (for example) occurs outside of group and you're trying to comfort someone and that's discouraged?

[RobertBruce]

Anything to create division among the inmates, this is no differnt than forcing them to rat each other out all the time.

[Anonymous]

Outside of group... it really depends on the situation.  

When I was a counselor there I typically encouraged my students to comfort each other and be there for each other when they were going through a difficult time.  There were times, however, that when someone was in the moment of crying that I would prefer their friend to wait for a bit to comfort them.  If I didn't allow them to comfort their friend in that moment I would always try to go back to the friend and let them know why I made that decision and let them know that their friend could still use comforting.  Of course, there are other times when the counselor just needs to let the friends be there for each other and take a back seat in the situation.  It really all depends on what is going on at the time.

Again, it takes someone with knowledge, skill, and sensitivity to handle these situations appropriately.  That is why it is so important to have qualified counselors.  Otherwise you just have people who go by the book all the time and don't know how to manage a situation in the correct manner.

[RobertBruce]

Qualified counselors? You mean the kind who done went to skool and stuff?

I'm sorry those aren't the type of people wanted at hla, seek employment elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Outside of group... it really depends on the situation.  

When I was a counselor there I typically encouraged my students to comfort each other and be there for each other when they were going through a difficult time.  There were times, however, that when someone was in the moment of crying that I would prefer their friend to wait for a bit to comfort them.  If I didn't allow them to comfort their friend in that moment I would always try to go back to the friend and let them know why I made that decision and let them know that their friend could still use comforting.  Of course, there are other times when the counselor just needs to let the friends be there for each other and take a back seat in the situation.  It really all depends on what is going on at the time.

Again, it takes someone with knowledge, skill, and sensitivity to handle these situations appropriately.  That is why it is so important to have qualified counselors.  Otherwise you just have people who go by the book all the time and don't know how to manage a situation in the correct manner.

I agree with what you've stated. I take issue with kids being put on restrictions or threatened with restrictions for showing sympathy towards other kids. Perhaps that a strong indicator of a lack of qualified training on the counselor's behalf or a power play by staff?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, that it shows a lack of qualified staff and you are right that it is sometimes a power play by the staff.

I also agree that it is wrong to threaten restrictions in this situation.  I believe that most kids just want to help their friend.  It should be used as a teaching moment, not as a punishment.

[RobertBruce]

Former counselor would mind picking a username? It doesnt have to connect to you at all just something to make communication easier.

[Deborah]

Again, this is where common sense and good training come into play.  There are times when it is best not to hand someone a tissue.  If they are working on an issue that has been difficult for them and they are finally able to tap into some emotions that they have been holding back for a long time, then it would be best just to let the person cry or to set the tissue box beside them in case they choose to take it.  There are times when you have to let people get there feelings out.  What is the first thing someone typically does when they are handed a tissue?  They start pulling themselves together and try to stop crying.  In a therapy group some people are enevitably less comfortable with crying than others.  If you hand someone a tissue it may be more that YOU want them to stop crying rather than them needing to be comforted at that time.
A good therapist will manage the group in such a way that he/she lets the group members know when it is time to comfort the person crying and when to just let them cry because that is what they need.  Of course this further points out the need for licensed counselors in a TBS setting.

I agree with you completely. So why isn't this explained to the kids? Why do they, years later, comment on this particular issue, and apparently not understand the thinking behind the policy?
I recall my son being punished for defending himself against a false allegation during group and being punished. With his counselor listening to the call, I asked if he understood the correct procedure. No, he didn't. So, after his punishment, he still didn't know the correct procedure. How is that helpful or useful at all? Is he just to sit quietly and take whatever thrown his way for fear of speaking 'inappropriately'?
In your experience are teens able to understand that it's not helpful to sooth someone who is crying, in and out of session?
There is strong cultural conditioning to sooth, that if you can get someone to stop crying, all is well. Even adults have no tolerance for crying, how could teens?
Could they not be taught, by example and explanation, that their role was to be an attentive listener until the person is done crying, then give hugs 'if wanted'?
How are staff trained to deal with (teach) in this situation? Or is it left up to the 'counselors'?
They have a captive audience, so many useful things could be taught if there wasn't so much emphasis on punishment instead of teaching.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you and this is where a good counselor will teach the group.  Yes, I believe teens can be taught when to sooth and when not to sooth.  Before that happens they have to have a qualified counselor to teach them.  The counselor also has to build trust with the group.  The counselor that just seeks to punish does so because they are neither creative nor knowledgable enough to read the situation for what it is. I don't know how that can be taught.  Either you have it or you don't.

[RobertBruce]

good counselor will teach the group

Not at hla they wont. Most good counselors ( at least from a professional viewpoint) are fired.

a qualified counselor to teach them.

Again not at HLA, most are unqualified.

The counselor also has to build trust with the group.

This is close to impossible, a point I tried to illustrate to my counselors time and time again. Most of them truly dont care about establishing trust, the few that do come up against a brick wall. How can inmates come to trust these counselors when their primary function is solely discipline?

The counselor that just seeks to punish does so because they are neither creative nor knowledgable enough to read the situation for what it is.

Or because they are sick degenerate sadist. This is more likely the correct answer.

[Deborah]

I agree with you and this is where a good counselor will teach the group.  Yes, I believe teens can be taught when to sooth and when not to sooth.  Before that happens they have to have a qualified counselor to teach them.  The counselor also has to build trust with the group.  The counselor that just seeks to punish does so because they are neither creative nor knowledgable enough to read the situation for what it is. I don't know how that can be taught.  Either you have it or you don't.

Very simple. When someone attempts to sooth, you say "not yet" or "later", then later explain 'why'. Seems like it wouldn't take but a few times for all to get it, and possibly even appreciate it.
If someone was at HLA for any length of time, and is still complaining about being punished for it, that seems to indicate that there isn't much teaching and too much punishment.

My question was, what is the policy?
How are staff trained to deal with (teach) in this situation?
Is it one of those things they look up in the counselor manual, because they may not even understand the philosophy behind the 'rule' themselves.

[Anonymous]

My question was, what is the policy?
How are staff trained to deal with (teach) in this situation?
Is it one of those things they look up in the counselor manual, because they may not even understand the philosophy behind the 'rule' themselves.

How staff are trained to deal with this is kind of screwy.  When staff go through their original orientation they are taught the rules of the school and a lot of emphasis is placed on having the kids follow the rules and not getting manipulated.  The training does not take into account every conceivable situation with a "how-to" description attached to it.  The ideal situation is for staff to be at the school for a couple of months to get a feel for when you have to be stickler for the rules and when you can be more relaxed, or to be paired with a more seasoned counselor who can mentor you.  Too often, counselors are thrown right into the job and many times do not have an experienced staff to learn from.  They do get more direction in their weekly supervision, but that is only one hour and there is hardly enough time talk about all of the kids in the group, much less talk about philosophy of the school.

That is another problem.  The counselors are so busy, there is literally not enough time in the day to schedule extra meaningful trainings that are neccessary.