Author Topic: Borderline Personality Disorder (Read 10050 times)

Anonymous · « **on:** October 06, 2006, 06:47:54 PM »

My ex husband has borderline pd--or at least that is what therapist and family and I think. He's one of those people who can make a good impression, but is crazy making--even the therapist can't work with him, and absolutely denies he has it. HIs family, mine, and me have had to deal with the repercussions and also the frustration of dealing with someone who is crazy making, doesn't know it, and drives everyone else to insanity. I never even knew about BPD until after I married him... Incidentally, he caught me with the book, and has diagnosed me and others while still proclaimimg himself normal. To make matters worse, he has become "born again" which means he uses God to justify his loopy perspectives. In spite of the severe amount of pain and cost to all of us, he still thinks of me as his best friend (even though I do my best to steer clear) and love of his life, and idealizes me to the status of an angel---or I'm a no good dirty whore--never in between. His family is spent; I'm spent and why do I give a fuck? Because he is my children's father, is obsessed with them, and is actually a caring, loving Dad if wacky in the head. (He can't differentiate between him and them. He ha sa headache--he is convinced they are etc. This is one of my more mild comparisons.)I am stuck a state away from family , feeling like I'm basically living at the whim of the Emperor with no clothes. Instead of everyone saying "hey look! ya got no clothes on!" the strategy of the family is to walk on eggshells with him. No one is direct about the extreme amount of inconvenience and loss we have experienced with him. (And he really doesn't get it.) I could tell him I was raped yesterday and if I cried about it, he would seriously ask me "hey what's wrong? why are you crying?"

I'm tired. I never know what crazy thing he will come up with next.

Has anyone here had BPD, know about it, treated it, or know how I can deal with it? I'm great with people having bipolar or depression--this one eludes me.

Anonymous · « **Reply #1 on:** October 06, 2006, 08:51:50 PM »

///and love of his life, and idealizes me to the status of an angel---or I'm a no good dirty whore--never in between. ///

Ahh yes - the Black and White thinking - classic BPD.

Get a copy of: Stop Walking on Eggshells. Its very helpful for family members and friends.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, is another must read classic on this disorder.

Don't expect his therapist to know anything true about this disorder. Therapist are often very ignorant of the new findings and effective treatments. They will often say nothing can be done - and they will often abandon therapy - even tho this is about the worst thing they can do to a BPD.

DBT - a kind of behavior therapy has been *Proven* effective - so much so that many patients find they no longer meet the criteria for diagnosis - meaning they are "cured".

Finding a therapist who knows this - or who is willing to learn about it can be a challenge - but its worth the effort.

Your EX may not ever be willing to face his being so ill - but if he ever does - having answers handy for him could be a life savor.

But you must primarily learn to how to set boundaries and respect yourself enough to maintain them. Stop Walking on Eggshells can be very helpful in this.

Good Luck - and God Bless.

Antigen · « **Reply #2 on:** October 06, 2006, 09:41:12 PM »

Back home, we just call that a certified asshole.

Anonymous · « **Reply #3 on:** October 06, 2006, 10:58:02 PM »

Can you get certified for that?! ::trophy::

Anonymous · « **Reply #4 on:** October 06, 2006, 11:05:49 PM »

Its a lot worse than being an ass hole. At least some of the time. BPD can varrie a great deal from person to person - and still be diagnosable. Its about how they think and feel that makes them so difficult - weather or not it is disabling to their lives otherwise - that makes a person identifiable as BPD.

There can be an intensity to the rage and despair that can not be described.

There are a couple analogies that come to mind.

One of the best, IMO, is that of a burn victim. The slightest touch is horribly painful for a burn victim. What would be a very slight sensation - or even normally pleasant - is painful in the extreme.

A BPD feels their emotions in a very similar way - and just as a burn victim can't help but scream out at the slightest touch, a BPD patient can not help but feel extremes of emotions - oftentimes wildly out of proportion to what occurred - and to react accordingly.

This is why validation is so important in dealing with a BPD patents complaints. You needent agree with them, to validate what they Feel. Its important not to minimalize their pain or hurt or anger - or joy. They feel it - it is as real as any and all emotions are - and if you can validate how they feel, and show some sympathy - you will find they will feel a lot better a lot sooner, than if you tell them they are nuts - or stupid - or what ever you might be tempted to say, in the face of their oftentimes wildly imaginative accusations.

As to the Lying they so often do. I once heard it explained in a way that helped me have far more compassion. Back to their raw and extreme emotions - what they feel is often far worse than what the event that prompted it can account for. This creates a problem with their perceptions of people and events. Its like their brain adjust what it remembers, to fit what they feel; and so, they often remember things that would better explain what they felt. It isn't a lie in the strictest sense, even tho it may in no way resemble the truth, b/c its the way they remember the event or words said.

It can be useful - (once a rage is over) - to point out - gently - (not in a your a crazy mFer sort of way) - that there would be evidence left if it happened that way. For example - you could point out: If I had actually beaten you with a base ball bat - wouldn't you have some cuts and bruises? Also, if you can get them in a group setting - again of a friendly nature - and discuss an event - that they remember differently from everyone else - you can gently use that to point out they don't always remember things rightly - and its b/c of an illness that can be helped - if they ever decide they want help.

Trying to reason with a BPD raging is pointless. They can not reason at that point. They are oftentimes just a hair short of psychotic - and may at times slip for a bit over that boundary. This is why a low does of an anti-psychotic is sometimes very helpful. It helps them maintain the ability to reason. It helps keep them more grounded in reality. But of corse - the side effects are serious - and so for that reason I wouldn't recommend their use except in serious situations, and for a short time; Maybe while they begin to learn their DBT skills.

Another analogy a BPD friend of mine once came up, with that I like a lot: Imagine a room with numerous poles in it, running from floor to ceiling. Most are yellow - and harmless. But a few scattered through out the room are grey - and they have a painful electric shock if you touch them.

Now, as normal healthy people maneuver across the room, they soon learn to avoid the grey poles. But a color blind person - who can not tell the difference in the two colors, would be always getting shocked, and never understanding why. Consequently - they would soon become very upset and frustrated and likely to react badly to any kind of extra stress - no matter how minor.

This is what everyday life is like for a BPD. They are constantly getting zapped - and they do not understand why. They don't pick up on social signals the way others do. They don't realize how inappropriate they are at times. They don't understand that their anger is all out of proportion to events.

What they feel is always being invalidated by others - and this enrages them.

Why don't you stay away from the grey poles? does no good if they can't see the colors.

An on top of all this - they have a persistent feeling of boredom and emptiness. They can feel as if they will cease to exist if they are alone and not engaged with others in some way. It is a terrifying sensation that I don't pretend to understand - I only know what they report feeling. The hallmark fear of abandonment comes from this painful symptom of emptiness. They live their lives in terror of being abandoned - and b/c of the way they push people away when feeling fear or anger they often are. Thus: I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!!

Anonymous · « **Reply #5 on:** October 06, 2006, 11:37:55 PM »

The only thing worse than having BPD is asking Fornits what to do when your spouse has it.

Anonymous · « **Reply #6 on:** October 06, 2006, 11:41:52 PM »

http://toddlertime.com/

http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/index.htm

Join Information List for Mental Health! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bpd_support

Anonymous · « **Reply #7 on:** October 06, 2006, 11:43:52 PM »

> Back home, we just call that a certified asshole.

Nice contribution to the topic.

Anonymous · « **Reply #8 on:** October 07, 2006, 12:53:44 AM »

You just described my ex to a T. Thank you for the examples.

Antigen · « **Reply #9 on:** October 07, 2006, 02:29:09 AM »

Well, have you ruled out SPD in family members and diagnosticians? Sometimes, when you're the only one to keep their calm in times of crisis, it's because you don't know what's going on.

Anonymous · « **Reply #10 on:** October 07, 2006, 01:07:34 PM »

SPD = Stupid Person Disorder??

Well this I know, living with a BPD patient can make anyone feel both stupid and insane; no matter how sane and intelligent they actually are.

http://www.bpd411.org/index.html > good site for friends and family members

Speaking of crazy making - BPD and the OZ metaphor:

http://www.bpd411.org/glossary.html

http://www.bpd411.org/oz.html.

http://www.bpd411.org/leavingoz.html

http://www.bpd411.org/brainwashletter.html

Anonymous · « **Reply #11 on:** October 08, 2006, 10:38:48 AM »

Thanks for the site--it looks helpful. I think what I am most resentful of is even as an ex, feeling controlled in some way. I can't leave the state I am in. (Share kids) It would help if he knew he was but he doesn't know. I think the hardest part is that most people have no idea what it is. Do they know what causes it?

How do the BPs who have it eventually get diagnosed because it is so tricky and they have that particular trait of being utterly un self aware.

Anonymous · « **Reply #12 on:** October 08, 2006, 10:38:48 AM »

Thanks for the site--it looks helpful. I think what I am most resentful of is even as an ex, feeling controlled in some way. I can't leave the state I am in. (Share kids) It would help if he knew he was but he doesn't know. I think the hardest part is that most people have no idea what it is. Do they know what causes it?

How do the BPs who have it eventually get diagnosed because it is so tricky and they have that particular trait of being utterly un self aware.

Anonymous · « **Reply #13 on:** October 08, 2006, 03:45:12 PM »

SPD - Staff Personality Disorder.

She called it spot on.

Anonymous · « **Reply #14 on:** October 10, 2006, 12:16:47 PM »

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/cause.htm

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/artindex.htm

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