Struggling Teens or Struggling Parents???

[Anonymous]

Thanks for responding Atomic Ant. (interesting name by the way!!).  His Father actually was glad that I finally did something and took the action to send our son to wilderness and the TBS as well.  No, he did not give a reason why he is not going to attend the graduation.  My son told me he didn't care (even though I think he does), and yes the step Mom prob. had something to do with this.  I really don't know.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the son is genuinely fearful of an adult he doesn't know barging into his life.  He's been surrounded by strangers who've shoved themselves down his throat, imposed their will upon him, and doled out consequences liberally that could prevent him from going home for several months or years.  I didn't really trust adults, and even once I was 18 it took awhile for my generalized paranoia to tame itself.  In my head I knew I was untouchable, but the fear I felt was still very real.

Leslie needs to realize that this is the type of trauma all program graduates deal with.  Parents all have a fantasy and get upset that $40K or whatever didn't buy the dream.  She wants her son and boyfriend to eat dinner with her peacefully, go fishing, or whatever, and now she's bummed that her son doesn't want an instant daddy.  I think she will find many more traumas lurking beneath the surface in the years to come as he returns home and tries to reintegrate into the real world.

[Anonymous]

He ought to stab her new boyfriend repeatedly right in front of her, just for the pure ownaj.

[Anonymous]

I will tell you for the last time. My son and my new boyfriend will never meet.  My son tells me that he cannot come home because of what he did before he left.  There must be a lot of angry people here who are out to get him, as my son has told me.

[Anonymous]

On 2006-06-05 10:59:00, Anonymous wrote:

"I will tell you for the last time. My son and my new boyfriend will never meet.  My son tells me that he cannot come home because of what he did before he left.  There must be a lot of angry people here who are out to get him, as my son has told me. "

Then what are your intentions for the long term?  How will you handle holidays?  How will you handle daily life?  Can your son ever come home?  Obviously one person in your life will have your time and commitment, while the other will get the boot.  Based on the fact that you're looking for a program, it seems you're choosing the boyfriend.

[Badpuppy]

On 2006-06-05 10:59:00, Anonymous wrote:

"I will tell you for the last time. My son and my new boyfriend will never meet.  My son tells me that he cannot come home because of what he did before he left.  There must be a lot of angry people here who are out to get him, as my son has told me. "

You will be a parent until the day you die, and in death you can teach your son something important about life. You screwed up the first eighteen years, but you still probably have another 30 left. Life is a long time. Set an example for him by working on your problems. If you become a better person, it will help him become a bettter person. Take a long term view. I strongly suspect your son is not done with royally screwing up. But if you take a long term view the odds are pretty good that it will come out fine in the end.  But be prepared to wait 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I will be a parent to my son till the day I die!  Holidays and breaks from school, I hope he will come home (I will pay of course for him to come home), but he has already told me that he can't live here due to the people he owes money to and the "drug friends" that he doesn't want to take a chance that they might see him.  It is up to my son as to what he does.

[Badpuppy]

He is better off not living with you. Dorms are cool places. Don't get too nosey. Work on your tendency to hysteria. Ask questions in his comfort zone. Grades, who he's seeing, what professional aspirations he has, etc. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. His personal habits are no longer in front of you. Lots of things happen on college campuses you don't need to know about. Get therapy and learn how to give him help, what to help him with, and what I want you to deny him. If your current relationship lasts, the odds are that your son will meet him sooner or later assuming he is not abusing you. This period requires a different set of parenting skills than when he was living with you. You both need to let go.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree, I need to learn to let go! I am going to treat him as an 18 year old.  I am totally serious here, if you know of any good books for parents to read on letting go, please let me know.  I haven't seen him since Thanksgiving, and will see him in 2 days, for his High school graduation.  Yes, sooner or later he will meet my boyfriend, prob. later, and that is fine.  Right now I am going to do what is best for my son, what he wants to do.  In fact, you all will love this, after I pick him up from the TBS on Thursday, he wants to go to a Casino, so I am getting money from his own account and will take he and a friend from the TBS as well.  His decision, and his money, just as long as he knows when to stop, (since he had a bad problem with gambling), and hopefully his friend will help him with stopping.  See I am not a bad parent.  I do need to learn to let go, and now that he is 18, he needs to make decisions and take responsibility for his actions, however, I will always be there for him, if he needs me, he knows that he can always ask me.   :smile:

[Anonymous]

By the way, just so you know, he is a diabetic as of 2 years now.  His Father will continue to pay for his diabetic supplies as long as he is in school.

[Anonymous]

Leslie, the LEGAL age for gambling is 21. So, you are taking this kid to a casino, and being a part of helping this boy not only feed into what you call his "gambling addiction" but will also help him BREAK THE LAW?
You do need help lady.

[Troll Control]

On 2006-06-07 07:50:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Leslie, the LEGAL age for gambling is 21. So, you are taking this kid to a casino, and being a part of helping this boy not only feed into what you call his "gambling addiction" but will also help him BREAK THE LAW?

You do need help lady."

Really.  Damn, lady.  You don't see any problem with this?  What about taking the "TBS friend" on an illegal gambling junket?  If you don't see a problem with your own behavior, you should get a check-up from the neck-up.

[Anonymous]

Leslie: you have been WHINING about how you can't pay some little bitty community college fee for this boy; YET you can take out his funds for an ILLEGAL gambling junket?
Where the hell is a bit of common sense in this equation you call MOTHERHOOD and responsibility?
I'm beginning to think this boy's father is about the only SANE person in this boy's family.

[Anonymous]

I know he can't go to a casino, but he seems to think he can at age 18, and his friend at age 19, so we will go, and they will find out the hard way that they won't be able to get in, so then we will go see a movie instead.  No I do not want to take him to a casino, no, I know he won't get in, and yes, I am not stupid, or brain dead. and yes, I know he has had in the past and probably still does, a gambling problem.  He is 18, and wants to go, make his own decisions, so he will make this decision, and find out he can't go there.  I am not as stupid as you may think.

[Anonymous]

Also, I have never "whinned" about having to pay for his community college, I just don't have the money, and my son tell's me that his Father has lots of money but he won't help out because of his Russian wife.  His Father needs to step up to her and remind her that this is his son.  He will have some "free" federal money, and the rest his grandmother will help with some, and he will have to get a student loan like most other kids have to.  Also, he will work this summer and hopefully earn and save some money, but not much.  He wants me to treat him as an 18 year old, an adult according to him, so I will, and he will find out that it is a hard world out there.