Yes, let us bow our heads and pray to Oprah for healin'.
[In Unison]
Dear Oprah,
Verily we pray to thee for thine guidance, for thine retraction of statements publicly made and influential in the nineteen-eightees in spite of thy wretched hair style problem in that one thousand nine hundred and eightieth decade since that other god, good ole what's his name.
We beseech thee, that the hour of 4pm may deliver us from the mundanity of the big box stores wherein we have so tirelessly sought to seek out all products endorsed and made covetous by you, and thy recommended cheap versions of expensive shit.
Oh Oprah, hear today our special prayer to thee, that thou mightst be led to speak especially unto us for the healing and the growing and the self-improvement. Expose our insanities, come into our homes, oh Oprah, seek out the fascinating decor of those on the government dole, the homes of the ascetics and the closet opiate injectors, check out our paranoias and our borderline personalities, Oprah, expose our insanity quite full on to the fascinated audience for their entertainment.
Oh Oprah, we beseech to thee to find the special knowledge which in our searchings of Spiral Hawked Shit, our poorly imitated and b.s. repros of other cultures' rituals, our Eye Reprogrammings, whatever it is that the pathetic seekers of the mystical Thang have been looking for lo these many years in all the wrong places, find this for us, oh Oprah, and present it to us, on National Television, that the finishifying of our search be made into a burpable television repast for all to partake in.
For we wish very much to be Nakedified before the country, to speak of our medical issues, our brainwash issues, to purge ourselves of emotion in front of other people because that is, as our cult instructed us, the Way to Deal With Our Feelings. And we look forward even to the day when you make that show where you just read letters people sent to you and then you can read some letters sent by some people who cried for us and made a video tape of them crying for us to show on the air while you pretend to read their letter up until their voice takes over the reading of the letter they wrote, which you have in your hand, but they also sent you a video recording with them reading their own letter to you voiced-over on it.
Ennyhoo, Oprah, we would like to join the Nation in an hour minus commercial breaks set aside for the healing and reconstructing of our tortured souls.
Amen.
