I?ve been hanging around this board for a little over a year now. While I?ve been posting here I?ve had an outlet. A place to say what I felt, no matter what it was, at any given time. I found who I wanted to find, I bitched about the things I needed to ventilate, and for about a good six month period, I dwelled, sinking into a short lived depression. Having found this enormous re-acquaintance with a terrible part of my past, that I?d never actually had the knowledge of being a victim of. I certainly had never thought of myself as a POW before! I had been a victim of Straight, Inc. What a traumatizing discovery this board was to find.
I immediately thought I had found a wonderful thing. This camaraderie of lost souls. However, that quickly changed, when I realized that flame wars were as common as trolls around here. I have witnessed many in the past year. Quite a few more than the ?regular message boards,? that have moderators that police the board. I?m not saying this is the only ?open forum? out there, but it certainly isn?t known for keeping people under any kind of control, which I know is a big part of the freedom here. However, because of this, this place can be a big boost of negative energy, and a very unhealthy outlet. Venom and hate truly do rule this board, which is understandable given the subject matter, ei, Miller Newton and Co. Love takes a back seat, but still exists in some small cracks and crevices.
This place can become a crutch, and an addiction, as well as a helpful tool. Just like anger becomes an umbrella emotion for pain, as well as a release. I have a huge apology to make to an anonymous poster who?s opinion I didn?t understand in my first few days. They were saying, ? Pace yourself and be careful.? ?People here have been known to fight dirty.? And ?There is negativity here,? Explaining how harsh this place could be, and how I shouldn?t look here for healing. I now see exactly where that person was coming from, and am sorry I misunderstood their intentions in the beginning.
I've used this board, and my experience as a child with two different ?treatments,? and a lot of abuse from my family, as an excuse to remain dysfunctional. Habitually focusing on the sorrow and regret, and not looking at the beauty the world had to offer me today. As a result, I have wasted a lot of time. I became ashamed at the way I saw myself taking life for granted, and decided to start changing everything about myself I didn?t like. After I stopped dwelling on how terrible straight had made my life, and what a victim I?d been for so long, I began to recover from it.
This place can be harsh and cruel, and has been an emotional trigger for me on occasion. It?s really played no role in the renovating of my inner being. Leaving behind a painful memory is a good thing. Dwelling in the past, and continually revisiting the past, can have negative consequences, and is an unhealthy practice. Anonymous was right. Hating is self-eradication.
Though this place may be a source of comfort and affirmation at first, it?s not a place to find inner peace, or healing for our broken hearts. Only love can do this. You truly do just have to "take responsibility" for your own happiness. I know how hard that is. They trained us to question ourselves constantly, and believe we were nothing without program. Hence, self loathing became our second skin, and anger, sadness and pain being our primary emotions. I loved the new guy?s take on the 7th step:
?I shall become so focused on the needs of others, especially others who treat me poorly that I become co dependent. I will seek to help people who continue to annihilate my self worth because this is a way of life. This is normal. This is what I do. And I shall suppress my rage until I develop some sort of compulsive behavior be it, drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, food, shopping or all of the above. My compulsive behaviors shall continue to reinforce my negative self worth and feelings of shame, worthlessness and hopelessness.? ? Again, brilliant.
When all is said and done, all you really can do is get therapy, get faith, (whatever your concept of ?faith? may be) and get over it. Never once did I say that doing this was easy, but it?s a matter of misery or inner calm. We all make choices on a daily basis, and at any time can choose to change them.
Why bury ourselves in skeletons?
Hate steals.
Love heals.