Long post approaching...if ADD (as I am), I understand....I wouldnt read it either...Oh PPP
3xsaSeedling-Ya said,
“It amazes me what the mind hangs on to and what it can
'dismiss' as useless (not sure that's the right word there). When I talk about the Seed, which is not often, I had to search for the right thing to call it. I've referred to it as
'rehab' for all these years.”
Yeah, that’s part in parcel of the whole mind fuck. “It”, being Straight Inc, for myself had to be “referred to”…It was not entity that could be addressed directly; a shovel could not be called a shovel…it had to be sugarcoated. For if it were not for the sugarcoating…it would have been seen for what it was, abuse…in whole scale quantities. Agreed, many things do seem to simply surface. Like a fart bubble appears a hot tub. But seriously, as with most things that arise from shit there is an organic value. I am hard pressed to think of much of anything that that even closely resembles anything of value. In sitting quiet and closely examining the barrier of White Noise “W/N”… I, at first, also thought it some sort of warning to, as you say….”leave it alone” type of sensation. However, if there is anything worthy of investigation, I believe it to be that which rests tween my own two ears! That which holds captive part of my heart and soul compels my attention. Yet, that W/N persists, like some unseen force field. The military, secret service and other agencies have used noise in many psy ops, with tremendous effect/affect. We are not discussing something that does not exist! These are not fragments of our imagination. Yes, anguish…some experience it silently, some are more vocal…yet, I think with most of us it is a pretty even combination of both.
Seamus-ya said
“ At times I’ve felt like I’m fucked for life and it’s a real easy thing to wind up in a really dark place. I used to blame all this shit on straight, then I blamed me, now I kinda think ok, so this shit happened, so it sucked, so it hurt, and I start asking myself what can I change now? How can I be in the here, in the now? Since I can’t truly erase this shit, how can I rise above it, don’t I deserve better? Haven’t I paid enough?
This is what I am asking! Anyone, or at least I would hope “anyone” with a thinking mind has got to sooner or later come to this discovery. Call it age…call it “mellowing”…. call it “letting go”…. shit, call it “Getting Over It”! Yet we all go thru these stages and I call them ‘stages’ because it seems to me that they are cyclic in nature, the reoccurrences seem as if they were from the Dept. of the Obvious and it would appear that one would expect a sudden surge of inexplicable rage from time to time… yet each time I am caught off guard… Yeah, absolutely, “how can I rise above it?”! I also am of the school of thought that Straight Inc. and it’s legacy, mentally, psychologically, emotionally and societal-y (sp) that I am worthy, and have always been worthy of this phoenix yet to rise from the shit pit. And as I mentioned to 3xsaSeedling…I believe it’s this W/N that keeps us from fully witnessing this phoenix flinging off the shit from it’s wings and soaring! I won’t ever forget you for encouraging me to go with the kayaking. I don’t go as often as I want….but when I do….it’s almost medicinal.
3xsaSeedling –ya said
So here I sit, floating along w/these memories, and suddenly...
WHITE NOISE!!
So the point here was, why can I remember this stupid, senseless
WASTE OF BRAIN SPACE??, and not other stuff (like details from
whole years?)aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh
Exactly! Clearly the “WASTE OF BRAIN SPACE” exists… our memories are peppered with detailed events that had taken place 2, 3, 4, perhaps even 5 decades ago. But try and peer deeper…. what do ya find? I found futility, desperation, worthlessness, and hopelessness…as I have said before…I was like fresh cement and Straight Inc. scrawled the word “FUCKED” … not unlike ‘The Scarlet Letter”…branded somehow. A tragedy…truly.
RTP2k3- I appreciate the clarification. No, I understand you don’t know about the ("failed" vs. "successful" brainwashing attacking each other) concept. When we met before, it wasn’t a concept you understood at the time…however, when I introduced the ‘concept’ to ya, you quizzed me in depth…I was never ever really capable of finding the adequate words and I am sad to report, my vocabulary has not grown or changed much since then. Yet I felt that at the time you instinctively followed my idea, the concept haunted you. There was a moment of lucidity when you were in the hospital, and you said to me…”It battled inside for to long”, the word “It” referring to the concept of “the unsuccessful brainwash and the successful brainwash” tween your own ears. The emotion was conveyed…. but words never really struck the target. Perhaps the skilful will put the words to the emotion.
85DJ- That movie theater was always a trip. I never went there with eyes shut! Certainly wasn’t a glamorous event…but I wasn’t a glamorous kinda guy. But I do recall desperately wanting to be a part of “something”. Neither of the two movie types really appealed to me…but it’s what we all did on a Fri/Sat nite…with stupid shit to follow…of course.
Kpickel39 ya said- I’m just so tired…………
I hear ya….no doubt! It is as if the incline on a treadmill has been adjusted, along with the tempo. And you’re expected to maintain!
Keep Up! Do you part! Step up to the plate! Man Up!
What a crock of shit….no pun towards dave crock (which is to me, another piece of shit) I digress…My friend, you are not alone! Besides W/N, I have also found “fatigue”, “hunger” and frankly a lot of other somatic symptom issues…but its all before I am capable of going any further…Intuitively I know there is more…its one of those things I can not “prove” and are far from a scientific…I just kinda know…better said…I sense it.
Yet as before, my words fall way short…and oddly way too long, my apologies. I'll get off my soap box now ::deadhorse::
Namaste
woof